Im getting a new Job Rick
-----Original Message----- From: Sandy Clark [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]] Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2002 4:26 PM To: CF-Community Subject: New FAA Regulations announced regarding security screening WASHINGTON, D.C. The FAA is set to unleash a firestorm of criticism next week when it issues a directive calling for "close, hands-on inspection" of all women with large breasts travelling on commercial airlines. The agency had considered this step for some time, as large amounts of C-4 may easily be concealed inside a brassiere. Following last month's incident in which a terrorist concealed explosives inside his shoes, the FAA feels it has no choice but to proceed. Tests have shown that a 42D bra can easily contain sufficient explosives to fatally damage a 747. And many bras, especially the very popular Wonderbra, are manufactured with wire ribbing which can be easily altered to act as a detonation mechanism. "The problem is not the size of the mammaries, per se, but to determine if what is inside them is indeed, the real thing. Breasts have a certain feel, a certain consistency of texture, which is far different from C-4, and about the only way you can determine if they are the real thing, as it were, is to subject them to a vigorous pat-down and squeeze," an agency spokesman said. Critics, especially spokespersons for NOW, have been quick to voice their opposition. "It's profiling, it's sexist, and it's discriminatory," NOW's legal counsel reported. "And besides, it's not the chest measurement, it's the CUP size that counts. Everyone knows a 32D is far more dangerous than a 38AA." NOW is drafting a communciation to Attorney General Ashcroft to demand that he personally take a hands-on approach to developing standards for these inspections. "As women, NOW recognizes the need for enhanced security, but this is a dangerous jiggling of our Constitutional rights." NOW has stated that they will advise all their members to refuse to be patted down and squeezed, rather they will suggest that their members remove their blouses and bras at the appropriate time to prove that they are not concealing any contraband. When told of this, the FAA spokesman responded, "YEEECCCHHH! Have you ever seen those NOW ladies?" Aside from increased airline safety, another positive from this new directive is an expecting quintupling of the number of applicants for the position of security screeners at airports. Indeed, demand for applications is so high that the government is considering lowering the starting salary. Said Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta, "Obviously, if you have a popular job position, where people are beating down the door to apply, you don't have to pay a competitive wage. This could save the government, and ultimately the airlines, billions each year" In a related development, it is expected that Hollywood celebrities like Madonna, Pamela Anderson, and Jennifer Lopez, will soon abandon their private jets, in order to fly commercial. Paparazzi are already scoping out the best locations. The new security procedures will no doubt result in lengthy delays. "Before, when we had delays at airports, we would say that planes were 'stacked up,'" one FAA wag noted, though off the record. "This gives a whole new meaning to the term 'stacked,'" he snickered. When asked what was the FAA's policy on breast implants, the spokesman said that were well aware of the question and were studying it avidly, but "they needed more time to get their hands around the problem." Finally, the White House has announced that former President Bill Clinton has volunteered his services free of charge to train airport screeners in response to President Bush's request that all Americans volunteer 2000 hours of their time to good causes. ______________________________________________________________________ Get the mailserver that powers this list at http://www.coolfusion.com Archives: http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ Unsubscribe: http://www.houseoffusion.com/index.cfm?sidebar=lists
