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Subject: Shocking Supreme Court Decision
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Borowitz Report
April 3, 2012
In Controversial Decision, Supreme Court Replaces Annual Physicals with Strip
Searches
Major Expansion of Police Officersâ Role
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report
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) â In a stunning decision on the future of healthcare in America, the
Supreme Court decided today that annual physicals were unconstitutional and
should be replaced by random strip searches conducted by the nationâs police.
The decision, which appeared to expand the role of the police to include such
duties as performing breast and prostate exams, took many in both the
healthcare and law enforcement communities by surprise.
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, âWhile the
Constitution makes no provisions for healthcare, it explicitly defends the
peopleâs right to form militias; clearly, the Founders believed that if
anyone should be looking up our asses it shouldnât be a doctor, but someone
with a gun.â
By replacing annual checkups with random strip searches, the Court raised
worries in the healthcare community that patients would not get the care they
need, but those concerns were brushed aside by Justice Samuel Alito.
âUltimately, the responsibility to secure adequate medical attention falls to
the citizen,â he said. âWhen a policeman is searching his body cavities,
for example, itâs up to the citizen to say, âThereâs a mole Iâd like
you to look at.ââ
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that he was personally ready for a random strip
search/exam at any moment, adding, âIâve got nothing on under this robe.â
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