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Subject: Shocking Supreme Court Decision

 



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April 3, 2012


In Controversial Decision, Supreme Court Replaces Annual Physicals with Strip 
Searches


Major Expansion of Police Officers’ Role


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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report 
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 ) – In a stunning decision on the future of healthcare in America, the 
Supreme Court decided today that annual physicals were unconstitutional and 
should be replaced by random strip searches conducted by the nation’s police.

The decision, which appeared to expand the role of the police to include such 
duties as performing breast and prostate exams, took many in both the 
healthcare and law enforcement communities by surprise.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “While the 
Constitution makes no provisions for healthcare, it explicitly defends the 
people’s right to form militias; clearly, the Founders believed that if 
anyone should be looking up our asses it shouldn’t be a doctor, but someone 
with a gun.”

By replacing annual checkups with random strip searches, the Court raised 
worries in the healthcare community that patients would not get the care they 
need, but those concerns were brushed aside by Justice Samuel Alito.

“Ultimately, the responsibility to secure adequate medical attention falls to 
the citizen,” he said.  “When a policeman is searching his body cavities, 
for example, it’s up to the citizen to say, ‘There’s a mole I’d like 
you to look at.’”

Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that he was personally ready for a random strip 
search/exam at any moment, adding, “I’ve got nothing on under this robe.” 
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