Christine- this was hysterical. thanks. -Ben > I thought this was petty funny... > > <http://profiles.yahoo.com/total_credibility/?.src=prf&.done=http%3a//messag > es.yahoo.com/bbs%3f.mm=FN%26action=m%26board=1600429531%26tid=mso%26sid=1600 > 429531%26mid=4790&lg=us> (54/M/Oakland) 06/14/02 07:43 pm > Msg: 4790 of 5253 > REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT-- > Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border > > San Antonio, Texas(Rooters) Unwilling to wait for their eventual > indictments, the 10,000 > remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, > heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, > and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense. > > "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the > revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right > in front of my daughters." > > Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted > last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each > of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By > late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's > population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second > quarter. > > This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its > underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to > California for $4.5 billion. > > Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were > noticeably frustrated. > > "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind > their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean > Levitt. "And every > time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to > investor relations. I've been on the phone all > damn morning." > > "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!" > > The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a > common executive > weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our > female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson > Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame." > > Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan > the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just > hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but > occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on > that.'" > > Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer > Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph > Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global > Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and > Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have > already been indicted. > > So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha > Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a > barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. > > "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for > marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman > place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border > Patrol officer > Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really > adds > texture to the stucco walls." > > While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, > Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the > Alamo. > > "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're > rotating all > the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event. > ______________________________________________________________________ Structure your ColdFusion code with Fusebox. Get the official book at http://www.fusionauthority.com/bkinfo.cfm
Archives: http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ Unsubscribe: http://www.houseoffusion.com/index.cfm?sidebar=lists
