love the Humungus!!! will
----- Original Message ----- From: "Haggerty, Mike" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: "CF-Community" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 7:26 AM Subject: The Humungus > Got this off somethingawful.com today, a stirring tribute to the Humungus. > If you don't know who he is, read below. > > An ingenious understanding of the character of an otherwise 2-dimensional > movie villain. > > The whole thing with pictures is at http://www.somethingawful.com/. > > M > > ---------------- > GAZE ABOUT HE WHO IS MIGHTY!! > We've been treated to a whole honking busload of movie villains over the > last gazillion years or so of cinema, and most of them aren't worth their > weight in decorative Christmas ornaments of popular corporate mascots. Most > villains, as you know, are only slightly more intimidating than a soiled > diaper. And while soiled diapers sure are scary, they typically aren't > things that haunt bones and inject fear into fear-deprived hearts. Unless of > course it's a diaper soiled by a ghost, but then what are the odds of that > happening? If I were a betting man - the kind of betting man that bets on > the likelihood of a ghost that wears diapers shitting itself - I'd probably > also be a very poor man, so enough of that nonsense. I'm not sure what > possessed me (all pun intended, har har har!) to talk so much about ghost > defecation, because it really has nothing to do with my plagiarized update > for this week. No, I'm here to talk about a man who means a great deal to > me: The Humungus. For those of you disgusting simpletons ignorant of The > Humungus, he is and always will be the amazing antagonist of the epic > Australian historical drama "The Road Warrior," which was the sequel to the > influential Australian historical drama "Mad Max." A lot of people would > dismiss my claim as pure hootenanny of the most charlatan variety, but > that's because a lot of you people are dumb, filthy savages. I'm sorry, but > it's true. I read so on the Al-Qaida forums when I was researching possible > lifestyle changes and employment opportunities. > > Before I prove to you, factually, that The Humungus is the best thing to > happen to villaindom ever, allow me to first belittle the near-do-wells of > popular cinema: > > The Darth Family, Star Wars > Darth Vader was a big influence on me in my younger days, but as I grew > older I began to see him for what he was: somebody's dad trying way too hard > to be cool. Couple that with the fact he turned into a total pussy in > "Return of the Jedi" and looked like the human equivalent of an egg > underneath his giant and awkward nerd armor and things don't get much > better. Then there is the unpleasant reality that thanks to the prequels, > he's now the living embodiment of every Linkin Park song ever. I would > mention Darth Maul, kind of like how I'm doing in this very confusing > sentence, but why should I? He got cut in half like a delicious submarine > sandwich, and went down just as easy. Then there was the old guy, Darth > Tyranus I guess, but you just know he's going to get killed. It sure doesn't > help that the guy who plays him has practically the exact same role in "Lord > of the Rings." > > The Agents, The Matrix > By playing on everybody's natural fear of being confronted by official > looking men in suits, and possibly having to fill out forms and paperwork as > a result, the Agents have soared to substantial popularity. I'm not that a > big fan of "The Matrix," because the underlying themes of becoming a slave > to technology remind me of the all the time and money I wasted playing > "EverQuest." I think the average shut-in "EverQuest" player would prove more > vexing a villain than somebody who looks like a kung-fu fighting IRS > employee. And those albino vampire twins they added to the mix? The only > thing they could threaten is a sailor's sexuality. > > The Big Red Eye Thing, Lord of the Rings > I'm not the most well versed "Lord of the Rings" fan, mainly because I'm not > a fan and I make it a point to not learn any more about it than I already > have from watching the movies. Sure, they make for an entertaining and epic > spectacle, but you could easily say the same thing about "Riverdance" if all > the performers were set on fire and shot at while dancing. The main villain > of LOTR, if I recall correctly, was a giant inflamed eyeball mounted on top > of a large tower. I don't know, maybe if the eye belonged to a giant Cyclops > I'd be more impressed, but as is I just think, "wow, that's one peeved > eyeball!" Honestly, I lied about thinking that even, since I've never > thought about it until now. That's how lasting a villain Old Red Eye was to > me. > > > Wasteland Karaoke > Some tough competiton, I won't deny, but The Humungus towers over them all. > Why is he so damn special? To understand The Humungus, you must first > understand the world he lived in. Since he lived on Earth and so do all you, > you're pretty much up to speed. Just add a few atomic bombs and remove a few > amenities such as resources, food, and civilization and you pretty much have > the whole picture. Now onto the hidden bone and gristle of the issue. > > Fact: The Humungus was a natural leader. > When society fell to pieces like so many unsolved jigsaw puzzles, The > Humungus stepped up to the broken plate and put everything back together. In > times of great woe for man, The Humungus took charge through brute force and > created an army out of the marauders. As wily as these marauders were, The > Humungus demanded and received their obedience and loyalty all the way to > the bitter end. Some would say the prime function of a leader is to keep > hope alive, and The Humungus certainly did this. With scarce few resources > available to him and his men, he exercised patience and sound judgment. > There was no room for hysterics or panic, for survival is a game of focused > wits and careful deliberation. When so many men became wild beasts in a > circus of rape and pillage, he became a lion tamer and ringleader. That's > not to say he was a dictator, though. While far from a laissez-faire leader, > he understood the wildness of the times and allowed that spirit to > persevere. Away from the cradling walls of civilization man must nurture his > animal instincts to survive, The Humungus undoubtedly believed in his noble > heart. > > Be still my dog, be still. > > Fact: The Humungus was a father figure. > As I said, after that whole apocalypse thing took its toll, there wasn't > much left but shattered fragments. That goes for both the world and the > people in it. But as a dedicated father, he pieced them back together as > best he could, creating a fragile but hardened family. Like any good parent, > The Humungus was quick to give fatherly advice and use tough love and > discipline to shape his children into not just men, but future fathers. Take > for instance the time that Wez lost his male companion to the Feral Kid's > boomerang. Wez became mad with bloodlust and demanded violence against those > who wronged him. The Humungus calmed him down by whispering soothing words > of encouragement while gently choking him unconscious. Clearly, The Humungus > was a man capable of great compassion and love, but still strong enough to > punish his own flock when they made mistakes. > > The Humungus knows each bullet counts, and so there is no haste when loading > a fine firearm. > > Fact: The Humungus was physically fit. > The problem with most villains is that they rely on unnatural sources of > power. Be it magic or technology, so many of them lack the true human > strength and will to compete on a level playing field. Not true with The > Humungus. Here is a man who built his body into a tool of pure terror. And > he did this through exercise, through physical conditioning, and undoubtedly > through proper eating. Contrasted with the other survivors of the > apocalypse, he served as a shining example. Rather than let himself fall > apart physically and emotionally, he took the opportunity to better himself > over the broken spines of others. And it showed in every shiny muscle > wrapped tight around his massive facade. I'm not a gay man, at least not > according to my magic telescoping penis, so I'm not uncomfortable saying he > was a handsome man. If you take a step back and look at him next to other > villains, it's clear he was comfortable with his body as well. Most villains > hide themselves behind capes, armor, cloaks, and all manner of distractions. > The Humungus, however, stood open and proud, draped in only his underwear, > suspenders, and trademark hockey mask. If this doesn't set an example to > kids everywhere, then there is no hope for future generations. > > And that, my friends, is why The Humungus is the greatest villain ever. > Heck, he's such an inspiring guy he hardly qualifies even as a villain. > True, he was murdered by Mel Gibson, but I suppose there is no shame in > that. At the end of the day, there are a lot worse actors you could be > murdered by. I happen to see past his demise, for some men are too big to > fit into the cages of such mortal concepts as life and death. The Humungus > was too strong and bold to truly die, so while his body perished his will > lived on as the spirit of human achievement in times of strife, echoing in > the darkest corners of the world. Perhaps some day even you will hear his > voice still drifting with the wind, dividing the silence like a thousand > rumbling engines revving in thirst for just one more drop of precious > guzzoline. > > If the Humungus was a real person alive and kicking today, it is most > certain he would be a regular competitor in American politics. It's what I > believe he's best suited for. He has the look, the attitude, and the > determination to lead, and if he were running for office, he'd also have my > vote. And he would win, no doubt. Who wouldn't win with a campaign slogan > like, "Just walk away, I will give you safe passage through the wasteland." > That just screams confidence. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| Archives: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/index.cfm?forumid=5 Subscription: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/index.cfm?method=subscribe&forumid=5 Your ad could be here. 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