wow pretty good i'll have to read the other 3/4's tonight when i get home lol
"When I came back from Korea, I had no money, no skills. Sure, I was good with a bayonet, but you can't put that on a resume - it puts people off!" Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond" ----- Original Message ----- From: "Philip Arnold" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: "CF-Community" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Tuesday, June 03, 2003 2:03 PM Subject: English is suck a crazy language > Richard Lederer celebrated his 65th birthday last week. > Here is his most frequently quoted piece. > > Richard Lederer <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > > "English is a Crazy Language" > From: "Crazy English" > By Richard Lederer > > English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world's > languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one > of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race. > Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy > language -- the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues. > > In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a > driveway? > > In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play? > > Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall? > > Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a > shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo? > > Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hysterectomy? > > Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? > > Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the > private mess? > > Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we > put print on it, we call it a newspaper? > > Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who > ride bikes called cyclists? > > Why -- in our crazy language -- can your nose run and your feet smell? > > Language is like the air we breathe. It's invisible, inescapable, > indispensable, and we take it for granted. But, when we take the time to > step back and listen to the sounds that escape from the holes in > people's faces and to explore the paradoxes and vagaries of English, we > find that hot dogs can be cold, darkrooms can be lit, homework can be > done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while > morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are > girls and midwives can be men, hours -- especially happy hours and rush > hours -- often last longer than sixty minutes, quicksand works very > slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of > plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being > punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don't have any baths in them. > In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree -- no bath, no room; > it's still going to the bathroom. And doesn't it seem, a little bizarre > that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the bathroom? > > Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can't woman one, > that a man can father a movement but a woman can't mother one, and that > a king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn't rule a queendom? How did all > those Renaissance men reproduce when there don't seem to have been any > Renaissance women? > > Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be > committed to an asylum for the verbally insane: > > In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the > second hand? > > Why do they call them apartments when they're all together? > > Why do we call them buildings, when they're already built? > > Why it is called a TV set when you get only one? > > Why is phonetic not spelled phonetically? > > Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic? > > Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is? > > Why is the word abbreviation so long? > > Why is diminutive so undiminutive? > > Why does the word monosyllabic consist of five syllables? > > Why is there no synonym for synonym or thesaurus? > > And why, pray tell, does lisp have an s in it? > > English is crazy. > > If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil > is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a vegetarian > eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume? If pro and con are > opposites, is congress the opposite of progress? > > Why can you call a woman a mouse but not a rat -- a kitten but not a > cat? Why is it that a woman can be a vision, but not a sight -- unless > your eyes hurt? Then she can be "a sight for sore eyes." > > A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that > stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, hammers don't ham, > humdingers don't humding, ushers don't ush, and haberdashers do not > haberdash. > > If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be > beeth? One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese? One index, two > indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices? If people ring a bell today and > rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that they flang a ball? If they > wrote a letter, perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the teacher > taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it that > the sun shone yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water > and then trod on the beach, and that I flew out to see a World Series > game in which my favorite player flied out? > > If we conceive a conception and receive at a reception, why don't we > grieve a greption and believe a beleption? If a firefighter fights fire, > what does a freedom fighter fight? If a horsehair mat is made from the > hair of horses, from what is a mohair coat made? > > A slim chance and a fat chance are the same, as are a caregiver and > a caretaker, a bad licking and a good licking, and "What's going on?" > and "What's coming off?" But a wise man and a wise guy are opposites. > How can sharp speech and blunt speech be the same and quite a lot and > quite a few the same, while overlook and oversee are opposites? How can > the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next? > > If button and unbutton and tie and untie are opposites, why are > loosen and unloosen and ravel and unravel the same? If bad is the > opposite of good, hard the opposite of soft, and up the opposite of > down, why are badly and goodly, hardly and softly, and upright and > downright not opposing pairs? If harmless actions are the opposite of > harmful actions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the same and > pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones? If appropriate and > inappropriate remarks and passable and impassable mountain trails are > opposites, why are flammable and inflammable materials, heritable and > inheritable property, and passive and impassive people the same? How can > valuable objects be less valuable than invaluable ones? If uplift is the > same as lift up, why are upset and set up opposite in meaning? Why are > pertinent and impertinent, canny and uncanny, and famous and infamous > neither opposites nor the same? How can raise and raze and reckless and > wreckless be opposites when each pair contains the same sound? > > Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they > are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible; that when > I clip a coupon from a newspaper I separate it, but when I clip a coupon > to a newspaper, I fasten it; and that when I wind up my watch, I start > it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it? > > English is a crazy language. > > How can expressions like "I'm mad about my flat," "No football > coaches allowed," "I'll come by in the morning and knock you up," and > "Keep your pecker up" convey such different messages in two countries > that purport to speak the same English? > > How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder to ascend > than to descend? Why is it that a man with hair on his head has more > hair than a man with hairs on his head; that if you decide to be bad > forever, you choose to be bad for good; and that if you choose to wear > only your left shoe, then your left one is right and your right one is > left? Right? > > Small wonder that we English users are constantly standing meaning > on its head. Let's look at a number of familiar English words and > phrases that turn out to mean the opposite or something very different > from what we think they mean: > > A waiter. Why do they call those food servers waiters, when it's the > customers who do the waiting? > > I could care less. I couldn't care less is the clearer, more > accurate version. Why do so many people delete the negative from this > statement? Because they are afraid that the n't...less combination will > make a double negative, which is a no-no. > > I really miss not seeing you. Whenever people say this to me, I feel > like responding, "All right, I'll leave!" Here speakers throw in a > gratuitous negative, not, even though I really miss seeing you is what > they want to say. > > The movie kept me literally glued to my seat. The chances of our > buttocks being literally epoxied to a seat are about as small as the > chances of our literally rolling in the aisles while watching a funny > movie or literally drowning in tears while watching a sad one. We > actually mean The movie kept me figuratively glued to my seat -- but who > needs figuratively, anyway? > > A non-stop flight. Never get on one of these. You'll never get down. > > A near miss. A near miss is, in reality, a collision. A close call > is actually a near hit. > > My idea fell between the cracks. If something fell between the > cracks, didn't it land smack on the planks or the concrete? Shouldn't > that be my idea fell into the cracks (or between the boards)? > > A hot water heater. Who heats hot water? This is similar to garbage > disposal. Actually, the stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of > it. > > A hot cup of coffee. Here again the English language gets us in hot > water. Who cares if the cup is hot? Surely we mean a cup of hot coffee. > > Doughnut holes. Aren't those little treats really doughnut balls? > The holes are what's left in the original doughnut. (And if a candy cane > is shaped like a cane, why isn't a doughnut shaped like a nut?) > > I want to have my cake and eat it too. Shouldn't this timeworn > cliche be I want to eat my cake and have it too? Isn't the logical > sequence that one hopes to eat the cake and then still possess it? > > A one-night stand. So who's standing? Similarly, to sleep with > someone. Who's sleeping? > > I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. Let the word go out to the > four corners of the earth that ever since Columbus we have known that > the earth doesn't have any ends. > > It's neither here nor there. Then where is it? > > Extraordinary. If extra-fine means "even finer than fine" and > extra-large "even larger than large," why doesn't extraordinary mean > "even more ordinary than ordinary"? > > The first century B.C. These hundred years occurred much longer ago > than people imagined. What we call the first century B.C. was, in fact > the last century B.C. > > Daylight saving time. Not a single second of daylight is saved by > this ploy. > > The announcement was made by a nameless official. Just about > everyone has a name, even officials. Surely what is meant is "The > announcement was made by an unnamed official." > > Preplan, preboard, preheat, and prerecord. Aren't people who do this > simply planning, boarding, heating, and recording? Who needs the > pretentious prefix? I have even seen shows "prerecorded before a live > audience," certainly preferable to prerecording before a dead audience. > > Pull up a chair. We don't really pull a chair up; we pull it along > the ground. We don't pick up the phone; we pick up the receiver. And we > don't really throw up; we throw out. > > Put on your shoes and socks. This is an exceedingly difficult > maneuver. Most of us put on our socks first, then our shoes. > > A hit-and-run play. If you know your baseball, you know that the > sequence constitutes "a run-and-hit play." > > The bus goes back and forth between the terminal and the airport. > Again we find mass confusion about the order of events. You have to go > forth before you can go back. > > I got caught in one of the biggest traffic bottlenecks of the year. > The bigger the bottleneck, the more freely the contents of the bottle > flow through it. To be true to the metaphor, we should say, I got caught > in one of the smallest traffic bottlenecks of the year. > > Underwater and underground. Things that we claim are underwater and > underground are obviously surrounded by, not under the water and ground. > > I lucked out. To luck out sounds as if you're out of luck. Don't you > mean I lucked in? > > Because we speakers and writers of English seem to have our heads > screwed on backwards, we constantly misperceive our bodies, often saying > just the opposite of what we mean: > > Watch your head. I keep seeing this sign on low doorways, but I > haven't figured out how to follow the instructions. Trying to watch your > head is like trying to bite your teeth. > > They're head over heels in love. That's nice, but all of us do > almost everything head over heels. If we are trying to create an image > of people doing cartwheels and somersaults, why don't we say, They're > heels over head in love? > > Put your best foot forward. Now let's see.... We have a good foot > and a better foot -- but we don't have a third -- and best -- foot. It's > our better foot we want to put forward. This grammar atrocity is akin to > May the best team win. Usually there are only two teams in the contest. > Similarly, in any list of bestsellers. only the most popular book is > genuinely a bestseller. All the rest are bettersellers. > > Keep a stiff upper lip. When we are disappointed or afraid, which > lip do we try to control? The lower lip, of course, is the one we are > trying to keep from quivering. > > I'm speaking tongue in cheek. So how can anyone understand you? > > Skinny. If fatty means "full of fat," shouldn't skinny mean "full of > skin"? > > They do things behind my back. You want they should do things in > front of your back? > > They did it ass backwards. What's wrong with that? We do everything > ass backwards. > > English is weird. > > In the rigid expressions that wear tonal grooves in the record of > our language, beck can appear only with call, cranny with nook, hue with > cry, main with might, fettle only with fine, aback with taken, caboodle > with kit. and spick and span only with each other. Why must all shrifts > be short, all lucre filthy, all bystanders innocent, and all bedfellows > strange? I'm convinced that some shrifts are lengthy and that some lucre > is squeaky clean, and I've certainly met guilty bystanders and perfectly > normal bedfellows. > > Why is it that only swoops are fell? Sure, the verbivorous William > Shakespeare invented the expression "one fell swoop," but why can't > strokes, swings, acts, and the like also be fell? Why are we allowed to > vent our spleens but never our kidneys or livers? Why must it be only > our minds that are boggled and never our eyes or our hearts? Why can't > eyes and jars be ajar, as well as doors? Why must aspersions always be > cast and never hurled or lobbed? > > Doesn't it seem just a little wifty that we can make amends but > never just one amend; that no matter how carefully we comb through the > annals of history, we can never discover just one annal; that we can > never pull a shenanigan, be in a doldrum, eat an egg Benedict, or get > just one jitter, a willy, a delirium tremen, or a heebie-jeebie. Why, > sifting through the wreckage of a disaster, can we never find just one > smithereen? > > Indeed, this whole business of plurals that don't have matching > singulars reminds me to ask this burning question, one that has puzzled > scholars for decades: If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get > rid of or sell off all but one of them, what do you call that doohickey > with which you're left? > > What do you make of the fact that we can talk about certain things > and ideas only when they are absent? Once they appear, our blessed > English doesn't allow us to describe them. Have you ever seen a horseful > carriage or a strapful gown? Have you ever run into someone who was > combobulated, sheveled, gruntled, chalant, plussed, ruly, gainly, > maculate, pecunious, or peccable? Have you ever met a sung hero or > experienced requited love? I know people who are no spring chickens, but > where, pray tell, are the people who are spring chickens? Where are the > people who actually would hurt a fly? All the time I meet people who are > great shakes, who can cut the mustard, who can fight City Hall, who are > my cup of tea, who would lift a finger to help, who would give you the > time of day, and whom I would touch with a ten-foot pole, but I can't > talk about them in English -- and that is a laughing matter. > > If the truth be told, all languages are a little crazy. As Walt > Whitman might proclaim, they contradict themselves. That's because > language is invented, not discovered, by boys and girls and men and > women, not computers. As such, language reflects the creative and > fearful asymmetry of the human race, which, of course, isn't really a > race at all. > > That's why we wear a pair of pants but, except on very cold days, > not a pair of shirts. That's why men wear a bathing suit and bathing > trunks at the same time. That's why brassiere is singular but panties is > plural. That's why there's a team in Toronto called the Maple Leafs and > another in Minnesota called the Timberwolves. > > That's why six, seven, eight, and nine change to sixty, seventy, > eighty, and ninety, but two, three, four, and five do not become twoty, > threety, fourty, and fivety. That's why first-degree murder is more > serious than third-degree murder but a third-degree burn is more serious > than a first-degree burn. That's why we can open up the floor, climb the > walls, raise the roof, pick up the house, and bring down the house. > > In his essay "The Awful German Language," Mark Twain spoofs the > confusion engendered by German gender by translating literally from a > conversation in a German Sunday school book: "Gretchen. Wilhelm, where > is the turnip? Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen. Gretchen. Where is > the accomplished and beautiful English maiden? Wilhelm. It has gone to > the opera." Twain continues: "A tree is male, its buds are female, its > leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats are female -- > tomcats included." > > Still, you have to marvel at the unique lunacy of the English > language, in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off > and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in; in which > the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down -- a > gloriously wiggy tongue in which your house can simultaneously burn up > and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you fill > in a form by filling out a form, in which your alarm clock goes off by > going on, in which you are inoculated for measles by being inoculated > against measles, in which you add up a column of figures by adding them > down, and in which you first chop a tree down -- and then you chop it > up. > > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| Archives: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/index.cfm?forumid=5 Subscription: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/index.cfm?method=subscribe&forumid=5 This list and all House of Fusion resources hosted by CFHosting.com. 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