artin shots
They say 70 percent of major accidents occur in the home.
The rest occur in voting booths.
ON A CROSS-COUNTRY driving trip, a group of guys decided to
tour the brewery of their favorite beer. As they marveled at the
process, one of them slipped and fell into a huge vat of beer. While
the man�s friends waited outside, brewery workers tried to save him.
A half-hour later, one of the supervisors came out to tell the
guys their friend had drowned.
�Do you think he suffered much?� one of them asked.
�I don�t think so,� the supervisor said. �In fact, before he
drowned, he climbed out three times to go to the bathroom.�
A TEXAN, A RUSSIAN AND a New Yorker went to a restaurant
in London, and the waiter said, �Excuse me, but if you order the
steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage.�
The Texan asked, �What�s a shortage?�
The Russian asked, �What�s a steak?�
The New Yorker asked, �What�s excuse me?�
�A GOVERNMENT is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.�
� James Reston
A YOUNG COUPLE was driving down a moonlit country road
when the car engine coughed, and the car came to a halt.
�That�s funny,� the boy said. �I wonder what that knocking was.
�Well, I can tell you one thing for sure,� the girl responded
coolly. �It wasn�t opportunity.�
�HOW DOES that phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk and
hang up. I don�t pick it up and do a cartwheel and a somersault.�
� Larry Mi//er
THE BOSS joined a group of coworkers at the water-cooler
and told a series of jokes he�d heard recently. Everybody
laughed � everybody, that is, except John.
When the boss noticed he was getting no reaction from John,
he asked, �What�s the matter, John? No sense of humor?�
�I don�t have to laugh,� he replied. �I�m quitting tomorrow.�
WHEN HIS FATHER died, John told the funeral director to spare
no expense. So when a bill for $12,000 arrived after the funeral,
John paid it without hesitation. The next month, he received a
bill for $85. He paid it, figuring something had been left off the
original bill. But a month later, he received another bill
for $85. This time, John called the funeral director.
�You said you wanted the best funeral we could arrange,� the
director told him, �so I rented him a tuxedo.�
WHAT�S THE DEFINITION of perfect pitch? Throwing a ukulele
into a trash bin without it touching the sides.
�THE POOR FILM editor for the fishing shows. This guy has to
watch all the footage that just wasn�t exciting enough to make
it into the final product.�
� Brian Regafl
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