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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, Secretary of State Colin Powell
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement. He
is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al Gebra is a fearsome cult,", Powell said. "They desire average solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to
themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As
the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every
triangle," Powell declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, United Nations Secretary General Kofi
Annan said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified
that the American government has given us a sine that it is intent on
protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with
calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence," Mr. Annan said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we
must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
Secretary of State Colin Powell warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor in random facts of vertex." Mr. Powell added, "As our Great Leader
would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of
though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."
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--
Larry C. Lyons
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Life is Complex. It has both real and imaginary parts.
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Chaos, Panic and Disorder. My work here is done.
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