--
Bill Wheatley
Senior Database Developer
eDiets.com, Inc.
(OTCBB: EDET)
3801 W. Hillsboro Blvd.
Deerfield Beach, FL 33442
V: (954) 360-9022 ext. 159
F: (954) 360-9095
E: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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-----Original Message-----
From: Critter [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2004 11:28 PM
To: CF-Community
Subject: He sharted!!!
oi CF-Community,!!
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago
we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a
Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar,
indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the
Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to
those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat
hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as
possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started
my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were
consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the
pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.
Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all
day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four
overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.
There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble
breathing.
At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I
thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at
the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be.
After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive
diarrhoea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your
intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin
with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering,
I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the
right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall.
One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone
to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a
good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing
I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a
pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am
taking a dump.
I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped
stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost
in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the
circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the
pressure on my a$$ was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain
"The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And
when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological
events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a
move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet,
beginning the body turn to position ones a$$ toward said toilet, hooking
ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while
beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in a
flawless expulsion at the exact same second that ones a$$ is properly
placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad
is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that
the urine stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of
coordination rivalling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and
saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those
little bast*rds attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so
I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had
eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a
rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined
with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four
plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a
bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was
diverted from the goings-on at the other end.
To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the
toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my
oesophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over
sh*t no matter what is about to come slamming out of your a$$. It is
apparently an evolutionary thing since sh*tting will not kill you, but
vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not
aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death.
My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my a$$ exploded in what can only be described
as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of
"30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what
seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of
sh*t the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid
came flying out of my a$$. But remember, I was only half-way down on the
toilet at that moment. The sh*t wave was of such force and of just such
an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it
ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an
angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the
toilet seat.
Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting
anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always
considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get
beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may
be. Needless to say, the sh*t wave, though of considerable force, was
not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and
deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a
puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at
the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a
puddle. There was a significant amount of sh*t remaining on about
one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the sh*tting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up.
By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled
up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.
OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting?
One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet,
though.
Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now
slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also
directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just
midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was
wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three
Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my
pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my
feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of f*rts, a couple of
t*rds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants
full of vomit, my back covered in sh*t that had bounced off the toilet,
spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet,
and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my
shirt with droplets of liquid sh*t. All while thick sh*t was spread all
over my a$$ in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no f*cking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to
the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was
OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying
hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the
manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When
the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no
way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there
was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but
that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to
come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.
At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a
bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what
was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained
to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had
a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced
some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down
a small brick or something and just needed to being the car around so we
could bolt immediately.
Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go
across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a
new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the
elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.
And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She
began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised
her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage
control for the time being.
She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry
ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured
me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.
Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on
in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone
to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making
minimum wage of just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the
situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I
will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and
tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make
clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom.
He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began
cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife
got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon
I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came
from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself
off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since
I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get
redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some
little b*stard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I
had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the
entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the centre of
the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had
intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but
when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me
with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was
going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my
wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at
Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of
any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Steve Crisp
bahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaahaha
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