1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio talk-show host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq (a reason we went to war there).
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
5. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Hillary Clinton, and other Democrats. You certainly must believe Jesus to be a Republican.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. Group sex and drug usage are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents will stop having sex.
9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation, money, and full support.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in all schools.
13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
14. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die, including many hundreds of American soldiers - is solid defense policy.
15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George W. Bush's driving record and trying to get an accurate count on the actual number of DWIs he received (and Cheney received), or trying to find out if he actually served in the Alabama reserves - is none of our business.
17. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt and which ones they can't.
18. What Bill Clinton and John Kerry did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what W. Bush did in the '80s (the cocaine, whiskey and women years for "W") is irrelevant.
19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because that country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
20. In spite of the massive rise in unemployment (and outsourced jobs overseas), the increased threat for future generations of terrorists created by occupying Iraq, record deficit government spending and all time record gasoline prices - you are better off now than you were under the previous Democratic administration.
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