In an amazing, three (1) year investigation full of intrigue, corporate
shuffling and clown beatings - five (7) new ColdFusion scopes were found
written on the inside of a Martian asteroid found in the Arctic tundra of
Wisconsin. Lead investigator and main scientist, Patty O'Doar, released this
statement today at a press conference held outside the Center for Outer Space
Training and Cool Objects (COSTCO).
"It's pretty cool."
Pretty cool, indeed. After finding these secret scopes, the scientists used
the latest DNA testing, carbon dating and mood ring technology known to
mankind to identify, and categorize these Earth-shattering discoveries.
While these naming conventions may look vaguely familiar, like those of
subatomic quarks, their names were carefully chosen to describe their purpose
in emerging Third World countries.
Scope Purpose
-------------------------------------------------------------
PERA This scope contains information about the
server environment that is usually beyond
what a developer can normally access. For
example, you can determine what the temperature
in the room is, what type of soda the DBA
is drinking or who farted.
TELA Ever spent hours trying to figure out where
that elusive bug is when reviewing the code
of some moron who can't use a basic methodology?
Assigning variables to this scope will allow
you zoom right into the source of the problem.
STETHA Variables in this scope will provide info on
the status of your system. Since the hardware
of servers is the heartbeat of any organization,
being able to tell at a glance how everything
is performing can be critical.
JYRA Perhaps the most amazing new scope to be discovered,
Jyra variables, when used correctly, will prevent
your site from ever toppling due to hacker attacks,
service outages, or hardware failures.
COLADA The most destructive of the new scopes. To use a
physics analogy, it's the anti-Jyra scope. Any
attempted use of variables in this scope has
rendered the server inoperable due to catastrophic
fragmenting of the hard drive sectors. Any attempts
to defragment causes irreversible failure.
Disclaimer
----------------------------------
I know this belongs on any other list than CF-Talk but it's the only one I
subscribe to and since I was too lazy to go ahead and sign up for it, I
release it here and await the flames. It's been a long week - can't you
tell?
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