Thank you Suzieq for taking the time to respond and offering me a shoulder to lean on (so to speak). I'm a 2 years and 3 months survivor of CML and Gleevec. I've dealt with the CML pretty well as far as attitude and accepting it. The Gleevec and I just don't click. When I found this group, it was like God had answered my prayers. There was actually great numbers of people who I could communicate with that knew exactly what I'm experiencing...the fears, the questions, the pain and sickness. I checked my email 3 and 4 times a day just so anxious to learn all I could, to vent to others, to try to comfort a newcomer who was as terrified as I was when I was told I had CML. I've kinda shared more than my CML experience....my personal homelife and finaincial struggles I shared with the group to which some of the members didn't agree with, but it was my life political talk was a definite NO-NO but it's politics that determines if I will continue to be able to get the professional care I'm recieving now and will my life saving Gleevec be paid for?? Even though I didn't sit around and think about having CML or am I gonna die and leave my children and husband behind when I am the ROCK of this family, the one who keeps it all together(I did sit around & worry in the beginning) but I was letting the CML take over my life. As I said before, I was constantly checking my mail thru-out the day to see if any new messages had been posted, constantly searching on the net for ANY and ALL info I could find out about CML and Gleevec. The Gleevec had me so drained all I could do was lay in bed....get up a few minutes, run to the computer and search some more about leukemia....and drag myself back to bed. Most days when I woke up, the first thing I did was check my mail. Well, it's not that I don't need the people in this group anymore....it's just I had to take a break from it. There were a lot of things going in my peronal life, I was and still am struggling with the Gleevec. No appetite at all for whatever reason, I say it's the Gleevec because I've enjoyed eating and cooking all my life until I started the Gleevec. Losing weight every month, issues with my monthly cycle, mysterious pain out of nowhere...and now I'm having the headaches every day and waking up drenched in sweat again just like in the beginning. Sometimes, life just gets to be overwhelming. You say you have no appetite but you do force yourself to eat...but yet you've gained weight(fluid) but you have problems with dirrehea. I too force myself to eat, and take my meds on the biggest meal I can get down for that day. As soon as the food hits my stomach....I've got to make it to the bathroom. I wake up with dirrehea, I should say the dirrehea wakes me up. I'll go maybe 4 times right after waking up even with taking lomotil at bedtime and even through the day. I can't gain any weight because of the dirrehea. How can you retain fluid when you have dirrehea? There is so much I don't understand about this miracle pill. Some take it and lead perfectly normal lives, still work etc. And then some of us suffer daily. I've needed the people in this group to talk to over the past 2 years. Thank God you all were there but don't hold it against me now that I'm tryiing to get my mind off my CML, and plus I'm coping with sickness myself and my family members....and it just all gets to be too much. I love all of you and I pray for you all daily....and I will continue to do so long as I live. I still read the posts about twice a week, or at least once a week. I did have a spurt there when my hubby was sick that I went about 3 weeks without even getting on the computer. I'm hoping the spring time weather and planting time will keep me busy. I had looked forward to doing things with the kids but with gas prices steady on the rise, don't know if I will be able to afford backing out of my driveway. I will be in touch, and even though I'm crazy, I ask for your understanding. Love, Peace, Hope & Prayers, Pat
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