Thanks Sandy,
I am pretty done with relationships. I have to agree with Regina when she told me I can't do this to anyone else. I was married to who I thought was my soulmate when I was dxed, and she bailed, so I really cannot see anyone else dealing with it, not to mention my self esteem really can't get much lower. What do I have to offer a woman? I have a limited income, and I even though there is no one on the planet that can guarantee they will be around for a long time, in my case my future is so uncertain who would want to gamble on it? I can still hear the things my ex-wife said to me. She use to brag to people that we lived together for a year so she could make sure that what flaws I had she could live with, but after my dx, she then told me I was a horrible husband, and the entire three years we were together were terrible?? I was just like a broken toy to her I guess.
I was very supportive with Regina and her disease, but I am not bitter towards her at all. She is having to make arrangments to move allot of stuff back to her brothers, so I know that is no picnic. Everything I own will fit in my car, that is because Kerry took everything when she booted me. My parents tried to get me to fight Kerry over allot of stuff, but to be honest in the state of mind I was in, I just wanted to crawl into a dark room and hide. There are some things I will always begrudge my mom about. The day my sister came and got me from mine and Kerry's house I was a total mess. Well she took me right away to a hair salon, and talked me into cutting my hair. I was a walking zombie then so that day is still foggy. I know at almost 40(I will turn 40 Dec 1st) that having long hair might be seen as a bit much for a man my age, but part of it is that is how I chose to wear it, and part of it is because of part of my heritage, being half American Indian. Admittedly I am somewhat of a rebel so I am sure that plays a part to..hehe. I have nearly grown it back to it's orignal length, but the one thing that is going away is the goatee, it makes me look older, and frankly the one thing I like about my face is when I am clean shaven I do not look 39 at all.
I use to be so proud that I had worked my way up the corporate ladder despite not going to college, and having a very non corporate look. I was great at what I did, but now all that seems to be someone else's life and not mine. I now feel like nothing and have nothing, I just feel like a shell of the man I use to be.
All I can say to you Sandy is you are one hell of a woman, and I am glad Randy has you by his side. He is a very lucky man. Unfortunately, (I know this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but it is true)my luck changed the day I was dxed. Something inside me told me Kerry would not handle it well, and I knew after the side effects kicked in I was never going to be the same again. What gets tiresome is I feel like I am part of some sort of cosmic joke, and I am the punch line. It is like the old peanuts cartoons where Lucy holds the ball for Charlie Brown, and just as he is about to kick it, she pulls it away and he falls flat on his back. I just want the joke to stop.....Thanks for listening,
Terry
On 10/20/06, Sandy Johnson <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Hi Terry,I am so sorry about your problems you are having. Just try to take it one day at a time.All of this stress is not good for you.Please do not give up on love and relationships,the good lord makes someone for everyone,you just have not found that someone that is stable enough to handle all of this yet.As for living with your Mother,well that is a tough thing to do I know,but give it a chance.Do they have low income housing where she lives?Maybe that would be an option down the road.Terry if Regina can not handle your illness,than I feel sorry for her because,Randy and I have become closer than ever because of this.I so want to make this nightmare go away for him,I can't do anything for him except stand by him and make things as normal as poss able.My point is part of loving someone is loving them through sickness and health! It sounds like you were doing that for her,with her problems.I'm just sad that she could not do that for you.I'm not trying to be hard on her or judgmental of her,but she just may have lost the best man she will ever find.Terry you are only 40!! that is not old!Don't give up, get out there,keep you head up and maybe you will be lucky and find true love.You won't find it sitting at home.Wishing you the best,Sandy
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