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> >CHILI COOK-OFFS > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to >the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those >of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually > have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes >up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely >want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you >will >be >howling out loud. > >INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting > Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a > judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the > last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table >asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by >the >other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that >spicy, >and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I > accepted." > Here are the scorecards from the event: > _________________________________________________________ > > >CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. > JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried >paint >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope >that's >the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > _________________________________________________________ > > >CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI > JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer >when >they saw the look on my face. > __________________________________________________________ > > >CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like >I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me >more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my >backbone >is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the >beer. > ____________________________________________________________ > > >CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or >other mild foods, not much of a chili. > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to > taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, >was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting >to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an >aphrodisiac? > _______________________________________________________ > > > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very Impressive. > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can > no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her >chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by >pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my >lips >off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop >screaming. >Screw those rednecks! > ________________________________________________________ > > >CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice >and peppers. > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. >Superb. > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except >that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips >anymore. >I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! > > _____________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried >about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is >cursing >uncontrollably. > > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I >wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world >sounds >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which >slid > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to >match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed >me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not >getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through >the >4-inch hole in my stomach. > ____________________________________________________ > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not >too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence. > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not >sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to >a >really hot chili? > > >(Embedded image moved to file: pic16042.pcx) ==^================================================================ This email was sent to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?aVxiLm.aVzvvT Or send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] T O P I C A -- Register now to manage your mail! http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register ==^================================================================
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