-Caveat Lector-
All:
This is an interesting little tidbit. Whether or not it is cute depends
entirely on one's perspective:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NORTH POLE STANDOFF
A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional task
force of
federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader of a militant
doomsday
cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a heavily fortified compound
at the
North Pole. According to witnesses, federal agents hid in livestock
trailers as
they drove up to the compound.
The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles. Several agents
were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a snow bank. The agents
were unable to use dog teams and sleds because the ATF agents shot all the
dogs during training at a nearby recreational facility where agents had
practiced
for weeks on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for the raid.
As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers stormed
the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure, throwing
concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!" Cult members and law
officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident began.
For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the premises.
The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns were posted in
the roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from the main battle area.
In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The North Pole Tribune-Herald said
that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of high-powered weapons,
probably produced in a workshop disguised as a "toy factory." This toy
factory
is also believed to be the sight of a methamphetamine laboratory, according
to
sources inside the ATF.
The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader, who uses
several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas," and "Saint
Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to have at least 15
wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse and said he has had
only one wife, Mrs. Santa Claus.
Authorities had a warrant to search the North Pole compound for guns and
explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader, Santa Claus, said
Mess
Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in Washington, D.C.
Mr. Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to get a copy of this
warrant,
however, because it had been sealed, "for national security reasons."
The assault came one day after the North Pole Tribune-Herald began publishing
a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the deranged cult
leader, Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15 wives.
ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had been
planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the newspaper's
investigation set up heightened tension."
The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a tower with
lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly patrol the
77-acre
grounds at night.
Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members refused to
surrender documents relating to national security. A source inside the
Justice
Department said that the documents were lists of cabinet members and highly
placed government officials who were naughty or nice. Despite preliminary,
secret negotiations to obtain the list, the Elves refused to surrender the
document to the Justice Department.
The raid was scheduled early, because December 25 is believed to be a
traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves would be engaged in
cult rituals
in preparation for the event.
At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said, "These
militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching them to expect
charity. They have even distributed free, working replicas of 'assault
weapons'
and 'handguns.' It is a matter of dire importance to our future and the
future of
all our children, that this peril be ended by every means at our disposal."
She
went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and shoot
everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this child
abuse from
occurring again, but that appears to be our only alternative."
According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and conditions
inside were horrendous. The Department of Justice is also looking into
allegations of animal cruelty. Former members of the cult have claimed that
Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at least eight reindeer,
housed in sordid conditions on the compound.
Witnesses reported seeing a reindeer with a protruding red nose, which Janet
Reno said was further indication of the abusive conditions inside the
compound.
Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been carrying
automatic weapons. However, independent sources dispute this, claiming that
the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes.
ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as
hundreds
of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the North Pole in
military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles.
"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were waiting..."
Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.
A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents appeared to
be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes, as well as
frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing forest-green camouflage in the
wintry
terrain.
Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.
Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn,
chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy of the
naughty/nice list.
One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park. His name
and the cause of death are unknown at this time; however, the White House
immediately issued a statement claiming the official had committed suicide
after learning his name was not on the nice list.
Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on whether
she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list from a safe in
the
White House.
A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that Santa Claus
had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson to anyone who
tries
to give to everyone without permission from the welfare department, and that
gathering sensitive data without a permit from official sources will be
stopped by
any means.
FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child of 1944,
relayed that "We are dealing with a madman. We have cut off all electricity,
water, and communications to the compound. Santa Claus has demanded that
we relay a message to the world. It reads, 'Merry Christmas to all and to
all a
good night.' FBI psychological experts are presently analyzing the message,
however, preliminary reports indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade
the
neighboring towns near the North Pole. It may also be a doomsday message
that the cult intends to commit mass suicide, like Jonestown."
Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the pile of
rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She claimed that she
was
going to confiscate any that she found as "evidence" and that they were for a
personal investigation that she was conducting.
Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans to raid Mr.
E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to the FBI's report on Mr.
Bunny, he has been hoarding food all year. This is in direct violation of a
secret
Presidential Directive. "This ingratitude for everything that we have done
will
stop, even if it means raiding every house in the USA to enforce these new
laws
that were made to insure your freedom..." Reno said.
This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit better
tonight. The
government will protect us from overindulging in freedom. If they didn't
step in
and take control of that "naughty/nice" list, just think what shape we
might be
in.....
--Marv Boetcher
For those who understand, NO explanation is needed, for those who
DON'T understand NO explanation will be given.
[]===================================================[]
"Go for goats, Bill. They don't talk." Yasser Arafat
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/5285/connector1.html
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