THE SCOOP for December 28, 1998 ___________________________ Liars, Thieves, And Whoremongers Yes, Yet Another Column About My Personal Life � 1998 Bob Harris [EMAIL PROTECTED] [] = italics I don't know what's more doomed to failure: the Senate trial of Clinton, or my love life. And let's start here with the important stuff that's really affecting our nation: my personal life. (Which, I might add, has roughly as much to do with the national interest as Clinton's.) I'm not complaining, but I'm probably the only guy in the world who went to see "Saving Private Ryan" to cheer myself up. I'm not saying there aren't people you can trust in L.A. I'm just saying there's only eleven of them, and they're all in that Hindu temple in Malibu. And I just don't have the wardrobe. So while my hopes for true love narrow faster than Ellen DeGeneres' career options, at least I can pick up a newspaper and see I have a kindred spirit in the world: the Republican Party. There has never been the slightest hope of removing Clinton from office at any point in this process. The GOP doesn't have the votes, never did, and never hoped to win that many in the last election. But that didn't stop this sad parade of sanctimonious adulterers and liars from trying. A man's gotta dream, y'know? You almost feel sorry for the poor guys. They finally get an impeachment and Clinton's approval ratings go [up], to a level eighteen points ahead of Reagan. It's like getting a girl to meet you at the movies, and she brings a [date]. Can't win for losing. The latest sad flail comes from GOP Majority Whip Tom DeLay, who says the Senate should consider the reams of uncorroborated evidence even Ken Starr wouldn't publish. Never mind due process. The guy thinks the reason the public likes Clinton is because they still haven't seen a sufficient amount of dirt. Which is a lot like when an obsessed stalker thinks the reason that cute weather girl won't go out with him is that he's not calling [enough]. Put the phone down, Tom. Stop with all the drawings of Paula Jones in red lipstick. Give it up. Most Americans know our politicians are liars, thieves, and whoremongers. We made our peace with that long ago. What Americans really can't stand is when the lying, thieving, and whoremongering turns [mean]. At least that's what most people think at the singles mixer under this giant statue of Ganesh. ___________________________ Here's some good news: you guys are a lot less likely to kill me this year. The Justice Department says the violent crime rate is now at its lowest level since they started the index twenty-five years ago. Now, they're really only talking about 1997's data, since the FBI takes longer to transfer files than AOL. But in 1997, there were only 39 violent crimes per thousand U.S. residents. And if you don't count the Jerry Springer show, the number is less than half that. When the survey was started in the 1970s, the number was 25% higher. And it proceeded to go up drastically throughout the '80s before turning down sharply at the beginning of the 1990s. Experts attribute this to everything from the economy to changing demographics. Personally, I think it has more to do with the band Journey, whose record sales track the national crime rate almost perfectly. (Look it up. I'm not kidding.) Coincidence? I think not. Look, Steve Perry's voice could make anybody a little nuts. So, for the good of the country, I hereby suggest we round up the members of Journey, Styx and REO Speedwagon, take away their instruments, and prohibit them from playing anything besides Klezmer. The statistics also show that you're far more likely to killed by someone you know than by a total stranger. Which means your best chance to reach retirement age is simply not to have any friends. In a related story, GE President Jack Welch is 62 this year. Finally, the bad news: other data shows that only 44 percent of violent crimes are ever reported to the police. Which means there's still more crime out there than the Justice Department can keep track of. Of course, Journey is reportedly planning a reunion tour. This blight on our nation must be stopped. ___________________________ So Richard Branson's big balloon came crashing down. Whoopty freaking do. Am I the only one who's tired of hearing about this story? Unless you're living in a cave or writing a sitcom for Fox, you've been hearing hour-by-hour updates of the ongoing travails of Richard Branson, the Virgin CEO. Not to be confused with Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen. Although I bet there are a lot of virgin CEOs out there, which would explain why they need to run the world so bad, but anyway. So Richard Branson, who has enough money that after dinner in a fancy restaurant he once left an NBA power forward as a tip, teamed up with a bazillionaire Chicago stock options broker and some Swedish guy (who is apparently the one doing most of the actual work) to try to fly all the way around the world on nothing but hot air, for which you usually have to be a member of the U.S. Senate. Somehow I just can't root for a bunch of guys who can afford to dodge the ionosphere when most people I know can barely afford a Dodge Stratosphere. They managed to make it from Morocco to the Pacific Ocean before gravity did its thing and they came plummeting back to Earth faster than Vanilla Ice. And everyone's reporting how this Branson guy lost a $300,000 bet which would have paid ten-to-one, and he would have given the three million to charity. Nobody's saying anything about how maybe if he really cared about his charities, he might not have wasted a fortune on the Icarus Express trying to buy himself two lines in the Guinness book, but simply given the oodles to charity in the first place. But what do I know? Branson's now tanning in the Caribbean, the options trader is skiing in the Rockies, and the Swedish guy is still back in the Pacific, cleaning up their mess. Him, I can root for. ___________________________ New Year's resolution number one: never fall in love with anyone whose bed has a rollbar. And here are a few more useful tips to get you through 1999, so next year at this time you can face the millennium and the end of all life as we know it in perfect health: Start the year with a complete physical exam. And give one to yourself, too, if there's no one else around. Men over 40 should have regular prostate, testicular, and driving examinations. Women over 40 should get a mammogram. If you paid eight bucks to see the Psycho remake, you should also have your head examined. Get thirty minutes of exercise at least five times a week. If it's hard to set aside half an hour, try three ten-minute sessions, which you'll need fifteen of. Or simply exercise for three seconds, three hundred times a week. One way to do this is to buy several dozen pieces of expensive glassware and a puppy. Quit smoking. If you're already a non-smoker, find someone who smokes and bug them to stop. You'll breathe cleaner air, and the resulting slapfight should provide you with your thirty seconds of exercise. Practice safer sex. Use a latex condom every time you have sex, even if it's with a member of the clergy. Talk to your children about alcohol. The average age at which kids begin drinking is 12 years and 8 months. The average age at which kids begin throwing up after drinking is 12 years, 8 months, and 20 minutes. And eat healthy. If you can't kill it with your bare hands, you probably weren't meant to eat it. Nature doesn't fry anything, although it boils, bakes, and freezes. And the only thing in the wild that comes in a little bag is a butterfly. ___________________________ Bob Harris is a radio commentator, political writer, and humorist who has spoken at almost 300 colleges nationwide. To receive a free email subscription to The Scoop, just send the word "subscribe" to mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]. ___________________________ Bob's Big Plug-O-Rama� (updated 12/28/98): National radio syndication begins Jan. 25th. We're guessing we'll have over 100 stations from the get-go, and who knows how many thereafter. Feel free to call your favorite station and ask for the feature. They actually pay attention to stuff like that. www.bobharris.com will be up then, including station and schedule data, an archive of past columns, live appearance info, etc. We'll record at the Museum of Television & Radio in Beverly Hills (http://www.mtr.org), which has kindly offered free use of their studios in exchange for gratuitous plugs, including this one. I'm allegedly supposed to finally appear on Politically Incorrect roughly around the same time. More info on that if and when it firms up. In L.A., you can already hear the stuff daily at 6:40 p.m. on KNX 1070 AM. The feature has recently received cool awards from the Press Club and the Associated Press. It's official: Mother Jones magazine's online edition will begin carrying The Scoop every week starting next month. Check out them out at http://www.motherjones.com/ because I like them a lot and they do great work. The current GQ profiles Alex Trebek, so naturally they interviewed [me] to find out what he's really like. I told the truth: he's a smart, friendly, and suave seven-foot-tall black woman from Mississippi. Check it out. You can read the whole story of my Jeopardy! travails in the current issue of Paul Krassner's extremely cool magazine, The Realist, which is available at most bookstore megachains or for $2 from Box 1230, Venice CA 90294. The current Scoop website at http://www.westsong.com/bobharris/ is in suspended animation. The Scoop's back archives are maintained by Patrick Combs and The Good Thinking Company at http://www.goodthink.com/harris.html The Scoop is also available online in RealAudio at http://www.webactive.com/webactive/soapbox/monday.html The Scoop is also often carried in the following monthlies, which I vigorously endorse for the great articles written by everybody else: �The Funny Times, http://www.funnytimes.com/ �The Humanist, http://humanist.net/publications/humanist.html �The Progressive Populist, http://www.eden.com/~reporter/current.html �Z Magazine http://www.lbbs.org/zmag/ I'm still working on the dang memory book for Common Courage Press. If people like it, more will follow. Common Courage publishes some marvelous stuff. Check out their list at http://www.commoncouragepress.com And finally, do you ever wish there was some way to cast a real protest vote? Check out the homepage of Damian Hooters, America's only pro-crime, anti-family candidate, at http://home.dmv.com/~damien/ and enjoy. If you can't vote your conscience, vote unconscionably.
