-Caveat Lector- This is GREAT! Be sure to read the last section: STAR TREK's FUTURE Hilary -----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Date: Sunday, January 03, 1999 1:05 AM Subject: [CAUS updates] - Non-UFO Sunday--New Year's Specials >Dear Friends, > >In going through my file cabinet, I found some stars that I hadn't shared with >you in 1998. So what better way to start the New Year than with something' >out-of-this world: > >1. BILL OF NO RIGHTS: The following was written by State Representative >Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA > >We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt >to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, >avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive >behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to >ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby >try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense >guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically >lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident: > >That a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and >are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. > >ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, >or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally >acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. > >ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. >This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom >for everyone - not just you! >You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different >opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably >always will be. > >ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. >If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. >Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your >relatives independently wealthy. > >ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. >Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will >gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of >subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch >potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another >generation of professional couch potatoes. > >ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That >would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not >interested in health care. > >ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other >people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, >don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the >electric chair. > >ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of >others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services >of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get >together and lock you away in a place where you still won't >have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. > >ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children >risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. >We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you >from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting >the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time >battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and >a funny hat. > >ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want >all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, >but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of >education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself >useful. > >ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an >American means that you have the right to pursue happiness. >Which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by >an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who >were confused by the Bill of Rights. > >2. SUNDAY SMILES by Larry Brennan RN PhD* (*Professor of humor Development) > >* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is > where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. > >* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? > >* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? > >* Does fuzzy logic tickle? > >* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge > it with battery? > >* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. > >* How come you never hear about gruntled employees? > >* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. > >* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then > what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of? > >* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool > came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? > >* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? > >* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door > is when I'm in the bathroom. > >* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? > >* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of > bald men? > >* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? > >* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to > be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? > >* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals > throw hamburgers? > >* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck > together? > >* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? > >* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they > are in charge of everything outdoors? > >* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe > you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. > >* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? > >* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? > >* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? > >* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior? > >3) STAR TREK's FUTURE (unfortunately I did not keep the author's name...but >thanks) > >There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool > yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision > of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the > stupidity, selfishness, and sexuality > of the average human being. Allow me to describe some > of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. > > Medical Technology > ------------------ > On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close > any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of > your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal > your **ahem** shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in > novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm >happy > that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. > > Transporter > ----------- > It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and > then reassemble them. The only problem is that > you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are > the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new > pot of coffee after taking the > last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter > coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, > and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having > inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies. > > 'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a > hutch yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another, > I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just > start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, > and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I > would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them > into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the > contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and > beam the rest into my neighbor's garage. > > > If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I > heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room > during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him > back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry > about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got > something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. > My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's > only after I had all the milk crates I would ever > need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep > me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the > holodeck. > > Holodeck > -------- > For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, > the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like > the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for > recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I > had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of > exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but > in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her > simulated twin sister. > > Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks > to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations > ahead of me and > beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's > exactly why I'd need a massage. > > I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention. > > > Sex with Aliens > --------------- > According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with > creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up > a lot of anatomical > possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex > with human beings, much less humanoids. > One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked > to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could > only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what > moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized > mistake. > > Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien > ----------------------------------- > > Me: May I touch that? > > Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a > separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six > hundred years. > > Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me > have sex with it. > > Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred > years ago. > > The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek > model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I > don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. > Realistically, the future won't be that convenient. > > > Phasers > ------- > I would love to have a device that would stun people into > unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. > If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If > somebody with big hair sat in front > of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for > stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. > All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. > Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek > future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' > defense is credible. > > Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and > I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity. > > Officer: Well, okay. Move along. > > I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand > under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for > hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he > believes it might be > another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there > looking at him barking only twenty feet away. > In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I > could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow > tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. > Then the unhappy little dog and I could > both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the > phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, > a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. > > And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated. > > > Cyborgs > ------- > Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent > human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As > a human, I am constantly running to > the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household > malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my > arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From > what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add > whatever tools you think you'd use most. > > I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked > at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd > like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a > little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked > On.' It would also be great to have my computer built > into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods > of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is > initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I > could > amuse myself in my head all day long. > > I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge > rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it > for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology > has something for everyone. So, unlike > Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. > > The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and > you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of > the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized > by saying you have an > important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service. > > > Shields > ------- > I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, > especially around people who spit when they talk or get > too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield > quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. > > I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect > the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I > could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever > crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in > the future. > On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun. > > Shopping with Shields Up > ------------------------ > Me: Ring this up for me, you > unpleasant cretin. > > Saleswoman: I oughta slug you! > > Me: Try it. My shields are up. > > Saleswoman: Damn! > > Me: There's nothing you can do to > harm me. > > Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like > to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable. > > Me: Nice try. > > > > Long-Range Sensors > ------------------ > If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan > for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You > could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport > yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in > his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered > him, and that means extra break time. > > > Vulcan Death Grip > ----------------- > Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such > thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. > That would have come in handy > many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like > an accident. > > 'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the > only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens > is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. > With the Vulcan Death Grip, > it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be > killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent > conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting > the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm > sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!' > > > And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek. > >Well, there you have it...now weren't they just out-of-this world? What! You >are disappointed? You wanted to cry? Shed at least one tear? OK...I promise >you that next week you will have use for that tissue box next to your >computer. One Sunday soon I think I will have an 'Emotional Sunday.' Four >stories...one each to elicit Anger, Sadness, Laughter & Spirituality. > >Have an exceptional Sunday...as exceptional as each of you are. > >Peter > > > > > >Be sure to visit the CAUS web site at http://caus.org >To join this mailing list, go to http://caus.org/feedback.htm > >To be REMOVED from this mailing list, go to... http://caus.org/remove/ > >Served by TheHostPros.com - http://TheHostPros.com ================================= Together We Create Heaven on Earth [EMAIL PROTECTED] ================================= Come join exploration - a discussion list dedicated to keeping up-to-date on new technologies, advancements in medicine, environmental concerns, 'conspiracy theories' and, of course, UFO stuff. Discussion is encouraged. Bashing and soapboxing will get you bounced off the list. 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