-Caveat Lector-
WASHINGTON, DC--A grass-roots
coalition representing the highest socioeconomic
stratum of Americans marched on Washington
Tuesday to demand that the nation's wealthiest
one percent be granted official minority status.
Journeying to the nation's capital from
monied enclaves and gated communities across
the nation, the marchers gathered on the
National Mall in a unified call for "an end to the
discrimination we face daily as members of
America's least-recognized minority group."
"We have been invisible for far too long,"
said billionaire shipping heiress Mrs. Winston
O. Lathrop, of the Boston Lathrops, in an
impassioned speech at the steps of the Lincoln
Memorial. "Just because we are among the richest
persons on the planet does not mean we are not
human beings. Just because we have yachts, mansions
and vast corporate holdings in major
multinationals does not mean we deserve to be
treated as second-class citizens."
Calling the current system of federal support for
only certain minority groups "grossly unfair," the
marchers demanded that the nation's wealthiest one
percent be afforded the same benefits other
minorities enjoy.
"Public schools, from what my servants tell me,
now offer Hispanic and African-American
students special counselors who are sensitive to their
unique needs as minorities," said Manhattan
socialite Virginia Des Jardins, founder of One
Percent Nation, a newsletter dedicated to increasing
awareness of minority-elite issues and raising identity-
consciousness among one-percenters. "Where
are the counselors who can relate to our special needs?
Unless you were raised in an environment
with 17 maids, you cannot possibly understand what
it's like. And day after day, as the economic gap
between us and the masses widens, the situation only
worsens, and we become ever more
marginalized."
Exacerbating the problem, Dallas-based oil baron
H. Milton Endicott said, are affirmative-action
programs that give economically disadvantaged minorities
preference in hiring and college admissions
at the expense of the minority elite.
"Black students are becoming an all-too-familiar site
on Ivy League campuses and in the board
room," Endicott said. "It's getting harder and harder to get
accepted to Harvard solely on name
alone. All we're asking for is a level playing field."
Marchers, accompanied by their chauffeurs, manservants,
and thousands of paid employees,
were vocal in their demands for special programs that would
help members of the minority-elite live
in a society that, as one rallygoer said, "all too often views
us with fear and loathing, just because our
massive stockpiles of wealth somehow make us 'different.'"
"People on the street stare at us like we're not the
same as them--and why?" mining magnate
Herbert Lassiter IV said. "Because of the vast sums we have
hidden in Swiss banks? Because we
receive dinner invitations from Saudi royalty? Because our
ties cost more than their families earn in a
year? We must learn to embrace these differences and use them
to bring us closer together, not to
drive us further apart."
Lassiter also stressed the importance of intervention
for at-risk one-percenters, many of whom
are driven to low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior
by the outside world's great indifference
to their plight.
"Misunderstood by a world that sees them as outsiders
not to be trusted, more and more of the
wealthiest one percent are turning to white-collar crime,"
Lassiter said. "I've seen kids as young as 23
spending up to six months in minimum-security facilities for
tax evasion, wasting away in places that
offer only the most rudimentary of golf and dining
accommodations. That's a hell no young scion
should ever have to face."
One-percenters, Des Jardins said, need access to
"safe spaces" where they can nurture and
foster their own sense of socioeconomic pride and identity
with others of their own kind, free from
the disapproving glare of the non-wealthy majority.
Educating the masses about the special challenges
facing the wealthiest one percent, Des Jardins said,
is also vital. Such efforts, however, are only the
beginning.
"Until the majority learns to stop their terrible
othering of the wealthiest one-percent, there will
never be true equality," Des Jardins said. "For every
one of us, there are 99 plebeians who view us
with bigotry and anti-plutocratism."
Organizers called Tuesday's march a "major step
forward" but recognize that the road to
acceptance for the ultra-rich will be a long, hard one.
"I look forward to a glorious day when the
wealthiest one percent can walk down the street,
hand in hand with their lessers, as brothers," textile
heir Julius Worthington White said. "But, sadly,
that day is still a long way off."
"They look down on us, just because we're superior,"
White continued. "Well, our response is,
'We're here, we're fabulously well-off, get used to it.'
We shall overcome."
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