-Caveat Lector-
THE UNITED STATES SENATE IN DISGRACE …AND LOVING IT!
by Norman Liebmann
History is not famous for being kind, but it has shown its mercy in
allowing the Founding Fathers not to be witnesses to the Senate's
dishonor. The Senate has demanded and will find its rightful place in
the bowels of ignominy. Its members were charged with determining
whether two hundred pounds of out-of-control erectile tissue should
continue to degrade the office of the Presidency. Only among this
gaggle is this a matter with nuances. One finds it reasonable the
designation "Senate" derives from the Latin word "senility." Being a
Senator is a kind of on-the-job-retirement, a category for which the
AARP has printed no brochure.
If the Clinton trial were a mystery movie, Americans would already
have walked out. The entire nation knows "who dunnit?" but the Senate
is still going through the motions of trying not to find out. (Now you
know why film smells that way when they burn it.) With the verdict not
yet in, Clinton has promised the Senate he will not gloat. It is an
insult so gross, we can only expect the Senate will do everything
within its authority to deserve it.
It is admirable to have the courage of your convictions. Lamentably,
this Senate has the convictions of its courage. It is a white O.J.
jury bent on Constitution-nullification. The question is no longer, do
Clinton's crimes rise to the level of impeachment, but why can't the
Senate rise to it. The sham trial of William Jefferson Clinton will be
remembered as "The Cop Out at the O.K. Corral."
Fear is the crazy glue that binds these solons together. You know
there is some inner fortitude lacking when the Senate starts each
session by reciting "The Cringe of Allegiance." The legend above the
Senate chamber's door should read, "Through these portals pass the
most pompous mice in the world." This is a Senate that would be
congenial to the politics of ancient Rome at its most decadent, and
they are ready to treat the nation to an epic convulsion of
conscience. In a supposedly open society this Senate wheels and deals
behind closed doors more than Mafia; just one of the many devices it
uses to exhaust Americans beyond caring. If the Senators do not act
with integrity it's because he have none to act with.
The U.S. Senate likes to call itself "the world's greatest
deliberative body." Apparently, it does not discern a disparity
between "deliberative" and "hesitant." The Senate is a Home for the
Chronically Indecisive, Incontinent, and Integrity Bereft. It's
members have a foxhole mentality, and when they saw this coming, they
jumped in and pulled the hole in after them. Their natural state is
one of intellectual vapor lock. Hence, they have never encountered a
problem it felt couldn't be "waited out."
The rules of the game of cricket are more abstruse and convoluted than
Einstein's time-space continuum, but simple pie compared to the rules
of the Senate. (Characteristically, baseball is absurd to the "Brits"
because its rules do not require each player to carry an umbrella.)
Still, every Senator holds in reverence at least Rule 1 of Senate
procedure. i.e.- "A Senator must keep talking until he thinks of
something to say." The rest is embroidery. (In floor debates, most
Senators prefer to debate themselves, which they feel gives them a
"home court advantage.")
These Doges of the Senate's principal objective is to boost the
chamber from a quaint talking shop to a cavernous hangar whose echo
can make small talk sound like oratory. The actual discourse involves
caressing each other with verbal peacock feathers, the extending of
cheap courtesies, and stringing the Senate chamber with mucous
compliments; in short, telling each other what a great bunch of guys
they are. It's a cheap trick but it works for them. In truth, they
lack the courage and integrity to insult each other, as properly they
should, and they lack the wit. This last is unpardonable.
We are coming to the end of the Great Integrity Scavenger Hunt, to
decide if the Senate has the guts to say Clinton's crimes reek to the
level of impeachment. No one is surprised these political hacks, who
spent all that time and money to get into the Senate, are now running
for the hills. Ten seconds after they swore not to make up their minds
before hearing all the evidence, their verdict was inscribed on
asbestos and on its way to a Nevada landfill where it is sure to
create an environmental hazard. Sir Thomas More, Robert Bolt's "man
for all seasons", took a trip to the chopping black for embarrassing
King and Council with his indefectible character. As none in this
clutch possesses More's qualities, no Senator will suffer the same
fate (irrespective of how much it would improve his appearance.)
At this writing the Senate is considering a "bi-furcated verdict."
Nobody knew what a bi-furcated verdict was until Barney Frank
explained, it's someone who "furcates" both ways. (The White House
considers Frank their "stand up guy", because it hurts whenever he
sits down.) The Senate's selective reading of the Constitution tells
them, crimes and misdemeanors have to be high and that it doesn't say
anything about them being plentiful. If Bill Clinton's removal is not
in order because "it's just about sex", the appropriate punishment is
not censure, but castration. After conducting a trial without
witnesses, there is not much more contempt the Senate can bring down
on itself. Presently, it wallows in a moral bog and finds the ooze
congenial.
Here are a few of the principal characters that bring dishonor to that
institution as it fumbles to a finish:
SENATOR ORRIN HATCH
Senator Hatch brings to mind the words of that world-class neurotic,
Oscar Levant, who said, "Once I make up my mind, I'm full of
indecision." Hatch made up his mind about Clinton impeachment a long
time ago, but he can't remember which way. A tower of uncertainty, he
has taken more positions than are shown in the Kama Sutra. Hatch
exercises the kind of exquisite caution employed by Edward
Scissorhands when he's trying to masturbate.
SENATOR TRENT LOTT
Lott is Bill Clinton's pigeon. Democrats love Lott the same way
gamblers love a bookmaker who can't win a bet. It was their Majority
Leader who convinced the Republicans they would have a better chance
in the game of politics if they were not dealt any cards. Lott's
cowardice has spread through the Senate like a pox. By his laxity and
disconnected handling of Janet Reno's cover up and collusion with the
criminal activities of the White House, Lott segued from derelict to
complicit. He has allowed the personification of Justice, the lady
with the blindfold and the scales, to be run back in time to when it
was a fat cop stealing apples off a pushcart. A radarscope picked up a
basic truth in the approach pattern of the Senate, but Lott hastily
scaled the Capitol Dome in time to give it a wave-off. If Lott has any
future in Republican politics it is as a cuspidor. The Democrats are
asking the Senate to vote on whether or not the Republican Party
should be disbanded. The Washington media is betting Lott will vote
"Present."
SENATOR JOSEPH LIEBERMAN
People as far as North Carolina can tell the Senate has gone into
session when they hear the sound of Senator Lieberman's knees
buckling.
SENATOR JOHN KERRY
Had they been exposed to Kerry's political philosophy, the Minutemen
of Lexington and Concord would claim they were mercenaries from Puerto
Rico. Kerry married well, and that remains the only thing he is ever
likely to do well.
SENATOR DANIEL PATRICK MOYNIHAN
Moynihan saves his more profound irrelevancies for Meet the Press, as
Tim Russert is his creature. In the last episode of Dan and Tim Go to
Washington, Moynihan revealed, he did not know whether Bubba is guilty
but he's sure Buddha was Irish. Russert, NBC's altar boy-in-residence,
works at being likeable, knowing, should he ask anything pertinent, he
will be choked off from the sources of his misinformation. His
emasculated approach to newsgathering has made the Meet the Press
interview akin to being wheedled by Little Goody Two Shoes on
Quaaludes. The interview invariably begins with Moynihan saying, "Ask
me whatever you like, Tim - just as long as it isn't about anything",
and then they go on to discuss whatever it is leprechauns like to talk
about.
SENATOR TOM HARKIN
Harkin made a big "to do" about whether he should be called a juror or
a judge, ignoring the real question; Is trying Bill Clinton a job for
a Senator or a janitor? Harkin lacks the integrity or intellect to be
either.
SENATOR ARLEN SPECTOR
Specter has passed not knowing what he's doing, having lost sight of
what it was it was he was trying to do.
SENATOR CHARLES SCHUMER
Charles Schumer, anti-gun fanatic, has all the self-preservation
instincts of a trustee in a concentration camp. He would have disarmed
the Jews to make sure they couldn't sneak out of Buchenwald at night
and "knock over" a liquor store. What a shmuck.
SENATOR ROBERT TORRICELLI
The weaseling and furtive Torricelli keeps gnawing away at the roots
of the Constitution. Having him represent your interests in Washington
is approximate to trusting Fredo Corleone to keep an eye on your
wallet.
SENATOR FRANK R. LAUTENBERG
Lautenberg is Torricelli's New Jersey accomplice, His officious manner
suggests he would have made a great sidewalk kibitzer at the building
of the Tower of Babel. Asked by a gawking apostate, "Do you think it
will offend God?" he would reply, "Gonna need more mortar."
SENATOR TOM DASCHLE
Daschle's abrasive manner and dogged pushiness is said to be motivated
by an inferiority complex. It is not a complex. He is genuinely
inferior.
SENATOR CHRISTOPHER DODD
Ssssinister....
SENATRIX BARBARA BOXER
As Clinton's number one poodle in the Senate, she has been trying to
characterize his exposing his genitals as an act of "refreshing
candor." Likely, Satan knew what he was about when he sent Barbara
Boxer and Dianne Feinstein, two viragos, to afflict California and the
nation. Boxer is "Rosemary's Senator"; though it is impractical to
believe anyone would leave Hell for a chance to impregnate her. I do
not wish to imply she is unattractive, but the last time I saw
anything that looked like Boxer a dermatologist was about to excise
it.
SENATRIX DIANNE FEINSTEIN
Feinstein is a meddlesome presence of Biblical proportions, even to
forcing her way aboard the space shuttle after its return to Earth, to
make sure none of the male astronauts left its toilet seat in the up
position. The simple-witted Ms. Feinstein holds that Clinton is "good
on women's issues" because he always puts a woman on a pedestal before
he rapes her. She also feels he is coming from the right place on
racial issues, promoting Clinton as a latter day Robin Hood who robs
from the rich and gives to the blacks. His quiver stuffed with welfare
checks and grants, he won their political fealty as the hero of
Sherwood Ghetto. (Clinton always knows where to get money for this
purpose. As he alluded in his State of the Union message, after he
gets through looting the U.S. Treasury, he's going to get a crowbar
and "jimmy open" Switzerland.)
One wonders how Boxer and Feinstein, who are of the Hebrew faith, feel
when they visit the White House, which Clinton has made into his
Berchtesgaden-on-the-Potomac. Sadly, they cannot be confronted by the
6 million Jews who died in the Holocaust and who doubtless would like
them to explain why they are giving Clinton and his fascism another
chance.
SENATOR TEDDY KENNEDY
After the Chappaquidick incident in which Mary Jo Kopechne lost her
life, Teddy did not send flowers, but just carved another notch in his
steering wheel. Knowing his record, the state troopers have reserved a
parking space for him at every sobriety checkpoints. He failed his
last test when he couldn't pronounce Massachusetts. The caretakers at
Arlington Cemetery, fearing an explosion, never let Teddy exhale
anywhere near his brother's Eternal Flame.
SENATOR JOSEPH BIDEN
Biden, long in therapy for delusions of oratory, suspects his
condition has worsened after losing a debate to a Republican in a
coma.
SENATOR JOHN GLENN
Colleagues believe, Glenn returned from his space shuttle flight
having gotten some of that outer space permanently stuck between his
ears.
SENATOR CARL LEVIN
The follicle-impaired Carl Levin has only four strands of hair left,
three of which are in extremis. These hirsute stragglers that run
across his head to connect his ears seem embarrassed to be there. The
manner in which his barber has arranged them to disguise his hair loss
will go down in tonsorial history as "Pompadour's Last Stand." He
should ask the Justice Department to do something about his balding
pate. If Janet Reno can't cover it up, nobody can.
SENATOR ROBERT BYRD
Senator Byrd comes from a small town in West Virginia, located more up
the creek than down in "the holler." He is the self-appointed Senate
Historian, whose function it is to sit on his ass in an easy chair and
just let history wash over him. It's not as easy as it sounds. It's
easier. Considered an oratorical spellbinder, the mellifluous tremolo
of his voice has been explained by doctor who diagnosed, "Senator Byrd
has always had a frog in his throat and recently the frog brought
along a friend."
Byrd is the hood ornament of a Senate in which all the members are
older, but not wiser than each other. Though his rural intellect is in
advancing dilapidation, he is said to be the guy who most represents
the mindset of the Senate. If there is really an age at which people
are supposed to "know better", at 81 Robert Byrd still hasn't reached
it.
Byrd has stated his belief (especially since the President already
confessed to it) that Clinton is guilty, but suspects some terrible
retribution will be visited on him if he votes accordingly. Consider
the grotesquerie of being 81 years old and still insecure about your
future. Recently, his prostate won third prize at an antique show. If
Byrd were a racehorse they would have shot him twenty years ago. Byrd
also has moved for adjournment. At 81, what more does this man have to
lose? The mellifluous tremolo is over, but the sanctimony lingers on.
THE ARKANSAS ADULTERER
What is it the Senators find so redeeming in Bill Clinton that they
are willing to let him dishonor his office and savage the
Constitution? Is it that smug leer of Damian as a Boy Scout winning
his merit badge for Satanism? Is it his resemblance to Dudley Do-right
after taking a bribe? Is it that smirk of a teller who has just
hoodwinked the bank examiners? How do they rebuke someone with so many
winsome traits? Clinton is impossible to insult. Call him a communist,
he says, "Thank you." A woman screams "Rape!" and he considers it as
an invitation. His high school softball team voted him The Boy Most
Likely to Throw the Game. There is still much ambivalence about
Clinton, even now in his native Arkansas, where people confide, "We
didn't like him, even when we liked him." (Arkansans began to distrust
Bubba after he started showing off by wearing shoes.)
For all Clinton's mawkish bleating about "caring", he doesn't. He
regards the average person with the same detachment as an undertaker -
just another client he doesn't have to please. His crocodilian
boohoo-ing about people's wellbeing is like the media's small craft
warnings. It falls into perspective after you ask yourself whether
Peter Jennings really gives a shit if you drown. As for their
"hard-sell" advertising of the Clintons' love of "the chil'run", well
- Chelsea is their only child. (Bill and Hillary ate the others.)
A compulsive hypocrite, Clinton must cloak his crimes with mitigating
circumstances and self-exonerating "spin" - like a holdup man who
levels a gun at the cashier at a box office and says, "I didn't enjoy
the movie. Give me everybody's money back." (Hillary, of course,
possesses the same streak of shifty enterprise. If she worked in a
tollbooth, the Golden Gate Bridge would be hiding its other set of
books.)
Nobody actually eyeballed what transpired between Bubba and Monica,
but the circumstantial evidence was overpowering. Each time Monica
left the Oval Office, the air in it was so moist, the Secret Service
men couldn't get their knuckles to crack. Clinton still insists what
went on wasn't sexual. He was just trying to adjust the thong of
Monica's bikini, after she complained it was following her too
closely.
Hoping to get off the hook, the Senate has hoped some administration
insider would come forward ŕ la John Dean, knowing well it would never
happen. If one aide in the White House suddenly turned honest, it
would be tantamount to a full-scale mutiny. Nor did the Senate turn up
"the smoking gun" even though they knew Bubba still keeps it in the
same place as he did when he showed it to Paula Jones in a hotel room
in Little Rock (small caliber, but it still smokes.)
Punishment? None. Contrition? You've got to be kidding! Clinton is a
man of pulp, capable of feigning emotion, but incapable of feeling it.
The only exception came with the news a Congressman has proposed
sculpting Ronald Reagan on Mount Rushmore, which must have felt to
Bubba like he was having his hemorrhoids removed with a grappling
hook. It was an unexpected jolt in light of a reliable prediction he
would be next. (His legacy Czar, Sid Blumenthal, is said to have
received a fax from Nostradamus.) If Bill Clinton is added to Mount
Rushmore he will be the President wearing a ski mask.)
In the Catholic faith it is said, "Act as if you have faith, and faith
will be given to you." The Senate's contortion of that is - act as if
Clinton is beyond retribution and that's how he'll beat the rap. This
misplaced clemency over the last six year confirms - crime pays! And
when the Ken Starr and his bloodhounds get too close, Bubba hops
aboard Air Force One to do mischief abroad, or slithers into a
helicopter to take his ease at Camp Judas.
This Senate has found it necessary to function as a rubberstamp
Reichstag. Hitler couldn't get the German Reichstag to be as compliant
as Bill Clinton has made the Senate - so he burned it. The
dispossessed representatives met one last time in an open field and
voted a resolution saying the torching of their assembly hall did not
rise to the level of high flames and conflagrations. The rest is
history. So it is with this clique in the upper chamber. Had they been
in Parliament instead of the Senate, we'd be viewing films of Hitler
in an open car tooling around Trafalgar Square, and dropping his
lederhosen for young secretaries on their way to Whitehall. This
Senate apparently does not remember the fifty million who lost their
lives, a continent devastated and only the Marshall Plan preventing
Europe from becoming another Arkansas - the fallout from exonerating a
tyrant.
The thinking is, Clinton's crimes are too heinous to be absolved by
the clergy so they must be endorsed by the Senate. Being politicians,
they admire his skills of treachery and bribery, his appetite for
deference and ceremony, and the daring of his on-site depravity. He's
already been called dirty names by seafaring men and others who can
swear far more eloquently than me. So, I will just say, after a
marriage filled with drunken abuse, the birth of Bill Clinton was his
father's final insult to his mother - and the nation.
The Senate hates criticism but is eerie in its ability to provoke it.
It has inspired the Internet to become an underground, no less
dedicated than the Maquis who fought the Nazis in France, and made it
as noble and as dedicated a cause. Whether in Arkansas or the
Ardennes, fascism is fascism. To believe Clinton will be gone in two
years is a naive assumption. Linda Blair will tell you evil is no
respecter of eviction notices. Clinton already has his White House
Nazi moles at work undermining the 22nd Amendment. This is sure. In
two years Clinton will be two years more ambitious and arrogant, and
the Senate will be two years more craven and enfeebled.
WHY
As a Senator's mind is always vulnerable to habituation, one
concludes, the Senate's affinity for Clinton is not affection, it's
addiction. They don't like him, but they need his "fix" of demagogy
and cynicism. The Senate has become a den of Clinton junkies. He is
their narcotic, their aphrodisiac, their Brylcreem. The Senators need
to inhale the fumes of his ordure, roll themselves in his sleaze of
his lies and racism, and rub his gooey socialist pomade in their hair.
The Senators want to keep his addictive charisma off the street and in
the Oval Office where it belongs. Anxiously, they raise the question,
"If we remove Clinton, who knows if we will get the same 'buzz' from
his successor. Let's face it. Gore is not methadone. He's mud."
The symptoms of both cultures dovetail neatly. Clinton has made the
Senate into "Needle Park", distributing used hypodermics with dirty
needles, leaving the Senate susceptible to infections for which The
New England Journal of Medicine will have to dream up new, soon to be
dreaded Latin names.
Like "druggies", the Senators must addict the rest of America, because
junkie's need corroboration - if not the ensuing epidemic. Like all
"trippers", they rationalize, in two years their addiction to Clinton
will be over and promise they will "kick the habit" then - a promise
all "hop-heads" make over and over again. As we do with those in
chemical dependency, we will say the Senate's "Clinton- dopers" are
just "sick", and need our help, presumably in the form of anther
expensive government program which they themselves will vote to fund.
(They don't care if they have our scorn, as long as they have our
money.)
The Clinton narcotic will wear off and require the Senate to take
increasing doses of White House hypocrisy to stay "high." The next
step is increased dosage, a third term for Clinton and the Betty Ford
Clinic, who have no idea in the world what they'd be in for. The
Senate will no longer be Clinton junkies, but Clinton "pushers." The
Democrats long ago made Clinton corruption their drug of choice. Those
members of the House of Representatives may have to try once again to
reform a Senate in "denial."
The Senate must kick the habit - now! The time for "get-along,
go-along" is over. America cannot leave questions of war and peace,
and right and wrong, to a hayseed Hitler and a Senate strung out on
expediency. Common to all addicts, dependency and degradation have a
weird kind of romance for them, and that is the cruelest part of their
addiction. We'll know that has happened the moment Clinton "walks." If
that occurs, these Senators can begin a fast that goes on until
Doomsday, and they will not atone for their sin against the
Constitution, the American people, and God.
One almost hears an anguished prayer for the Senate coming from
Calvary Hill. "Forgive them, Father, for they know not who they
forgive."
Norman Liebmann is a free lance political commentator and staff writer
for Ether Zone Online!
Published in the February 10, 1999 issue of Ether Zone Online!
Copyright © 1999 Ether Zone Online (http://etherzone.com). Reposting
permitted with this message intact.
--------------
I knew of one corrupt, gutless, despicable, and unprincipled clod in
high government places...
I now know 101.
DUMP the ENTIRE SENATE!
-me
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