-Caveat Lector-
Copied without permission form the NY Times:
-------------------
February 13, 1999
And the Road Runner Fosters Disrespect for Speed Limits
By JEFF MACGREGOR
CONFIDENTIAL INTERNAL REPORT! READ AND DESTROY!
To: The Reverend Jerry Falwell
From: Special Detectives Hunt, Wordsworth and Peck
RE: Teletubby Surveillance/Children's Television Investigation
Pursuant to client's request for character profiles, loyalty/liability
crosschecks and deep background information on "Teletubbies," our
investigation
yielded data as follows:
Teletubby "Tinky Winky": Purple in color, subject Teletubby is
observed to carry a purse, yet speaks in a man's voice. Subject antenna
triangular in shape.
Interpretation: Extensive investigation reveals purple to be "gay
pride" color (i.e. concord grapes, Minnesota Vikings, etc.). F.Y.I. Barney
the
Dinosaur is another roly-poly, aubergine children's favorite. He loves to
dance
and sing, but doesn't seem to wear pants. The Tinky Winky purse is
doubtless a
feminizing icon deployed as a gender-confusing subterfuge. Subject
Teletubby
also speaks with vague British accent. Oscar Wilde lived in Britain.
Conclusion: Subject Teletubby "Tinky Winky" is obviously the subliminal
spokestubby for the "homosexual" or "gay" life style.
Teletubby "Po": Red in color, with circular antenna.
Interpretation: Red has long been the symbolic color of global Communism.
The
name "Po" could be taken from the river in Italy (a hotbed of failed
quasi-Communist policies), or derived from the name of the Cambodian
madman,
Pol
Pot. The circular antenna represents the circular arguments that underlie
the
tenets of Marxist-Leninist social and economic theory.
Conclusion: Subject Teletubby "Po" is the subliminal spokestubby for a
resurgent international Communist revolution.
Alternate Conclusion: "Po" might be a reference to Edgar Allan Poe, a
neurotic 19th-century writer, just like Oscar Wilde. (See above.)
Teletubby "Laa-Laa": Bright yellow/orange in color, antenna shaped
like pig's tail.
Interpretation: "Laa-Laa" is an obvious reference to Los Angeles
(often called "La-La Land" by gossip columnists and other waggish
hipsters).
Her
bright citrus colors are an ironic nod to the wholesome crops of lemons
and
oranges that once flourished in the pious San Fernando Valley and
Hollywood
Hills, but that have since been replaced by the degenerate entertainment
industry.
Conclusion: "Laa-Laa" is the spokestubby for the National Academy of
Motion Picture Arts and Sciences or the Screen Actors Guild, and is
subliminally
encouraging our children to seek work in the entertainment industry.
Teletubby "Dipsy": Green in color, subject Teletubby has a straw
coming out of his head.
Interpretation: Looks like a giant frozen daiquiri.
Conclusion: Blender drinks are popular among supporters of alternative
life styles.
That these Teletubbies take their marching orders from speakers that rise
up
from the ground (a metaphor delineating Orwellian mind control?) is bad
enough.
That they live in a kind of dome under a windmill that spins out a spiral
of
what look like bright white crystals should be reason enough for
investigation
by state authorities. That they do so without the benefit of marriage (or
clothes!) is inexcusable.
The F.B.I. investigations of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Bert and Ernie, Heckle
and
Jeckle, etc., prove beyond doubt that these sort of same-sex partnerships
send
the wrong message to our children. That Yogi Bear and his partner, Booboo,
choose to spend their time in the forest, again many times without pants,
is
their right, but it is our right and duty to keep children from seeing it.
We therefore conclude that your instinct about the true nature of the
Teletubbies is correct: they are a subversive force for international
evil,
operating in league with a global cabal of gay television executives and
purse
manufacturers, bent on nothing less than world domination.
ADDENDUM: Further investigation into your controversial assertion last
month
that the Antichrist is a Jewish man living on earth at this moment has
yielded
an interesting theory.
While watching television for the Teletubbies report filed above, one
of our operatives noticed a male cartoon character who thrived on the kind
of
anarchy and confusion usually ascribed to the Antichrist. His name even
employs
the Yiddish word for a long, convoluted story or series of events.
It is our conviction, therefore, that you can announce with impunity at
your
next national press conference that one "Magilla Gorilla" is the
Antichrist.
Our bill follows under separate cover.
Jeff MacGregor is a writer in Manhattan.
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