-Caveat Lector-
an irrelevant version of the evolution of the English language...
On Sat, 6 Feb 1999, flw wrote:
> -Caveat Lector-
>
> Was the development of the English language the
> result of a wide ranging
> international conspiracy? The following reveals
> the truth.
> flw
>
> A History of the English Language
> - by Owen Alun and Brendan O'Corraidhe, with
> slight editing by Philander
> T. Bentley
>
> In the beginning there was an island off the coast
> of Europe. It had no
> name, for the natives had no language, only a
> collection of grunts and
> gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!"
> "Gimme!" and "Pardon me, but
> would you happen to have any woad?"
>
> Then the Romans invaded the island and called it
> Britain, because the
> natives were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short."
> This was the start
> of the importance of u (and its mispronounciation)
> to the language.
> After building some roads, killing off some of the
> nasty little blue
> people and walling up the rest, the Romans left,
> taking the language
> instruction manual with them.
>
> The British were bored, so they invited the
> barbarians to come over
> (under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The
> Angles, Saxons, and Jutes
> brought slightly more refined vocal noises.
>
> All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language
> were onomatapoeic,
> being derived from the sounds of battle.
> Consonants were derived from
> the sounds of weapons striking a foe. "Sss" and
> "th" for example are the
> sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a
> solidly landed axe blow,
> "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto
> rock and sod
> respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body
> splashing into a bog.
>
> Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of
> the throat or sharp exhalations)
> were derived from the sounds the foe himself made
> when struck.
> The barbarians had so much fun they decided to
> stay for post-revel.
>
> The British, finding that they had lost future use
> of the site, moved into
> the hills to the west and called themselves Welsh.
> The Irish, having heard about language from
> Patrick, came over to
> investigate. When they saw the shiny vowels, they
> pried them loose and
> took them home. They then raided Wales and stole
> both cattle and vowels,
> so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep and
> consonants. ("Old Ap
> Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W! And on that farm he
> hadde somme gees.
> With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...")
>
> To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling
> themselves "Cymry"
> and gave even longer names to their villages. They
> figured if no one
> could pronounce the name of their people or the
> names of their towns,
> then no one would visit them. (The success of the
> tactic is demonstrated
> still today. How many travel agents have YOU heard
> suggest a visit to
> scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)
>
> Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new
> vowels home to Erin. But
> of course they didn't know that there was once an
> instruction manual for
> them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the
> language purely as
> ornaments. Most of the new vowels were not
> pronounced, and
> the pronunciation of those that were pronounced
> differed, depended on
> which consonant they were either preceding or
> following.
>
> The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels
> bedecking all the Irish
> words. "Ooooh!" they said. They raided Ireland
> and brought the vowels
> back home with them. But the Vikings couldn't
> keep track of all the
> Irish rules so they simply pronounced all the
> vowels "oouuoo."
>
> In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain,
> which was populated by
> descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and
> Jutes. After a
> generation or two, the people were speaking German
> with a French accent
> and calling it English. Then the Danes invaded
> again, crying "Oouuoo!
> Oouuoo!" burning abbeys, and trading with the
> townspeople.
>
> The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed
> intermarried with visiting
> Irish and became Scots. Against the advice of
> their travel agents, they
> decided to visit Wales. (The Scots couldn't read
> the signposts that
> said, "This way to Lyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but
> they could smell sheep
> a league away.) The Scots took the sheep home
> with them and made some
> of them into haggis. What they made with the
> others we won't say, but
> Scots are known to this day for having hairy legs.
>
> The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down
> out of the hills and
> into London. Because they were the only people in
> the Islands who
> played flutes instead of bagpipes, they were
> called Tooters. This made
> them very popular. In short order, Henry Tooter
> got elected King and
> began popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.
>
> Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering
> clothing, playing the
> flute, speaking German with a French accent,
> pronouncing all their
> vowels "oouuoo" (which was fairly easy, given the
> French accent), and
> making lots of money in the wool trade. Because
> they were rich, people
> smiled more (remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and
> "Canterbury Tales"
> were the only tabloids, and gave generally
> favorable reviews even to
> Danes). And since it is next to impossible to
> keep your vowels in the
> back of your throat (even if you do speak German
> with a French accent)
> while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll
> see what I mean), the
> Great Vowel Shift came about and transformed the
> English language.
>
> The very richest had their vowels shifted right
> out in front of their
> teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in
> Boston.
>
> There were a few poor souls who, cut off from the
> economic prosperity of
> the wool trade, continued to swallow their vowels.
> They wandered the
> countryside in misery and despair until they came
> to the docks of
> London, where their dialect devolved into the
> incomprehensible language
> known as Cockney. Later, it was taken overseas
> and further brutalized
> by merging it with Dutch and Italian to create
> Brooklynese.
>
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>
DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER
==========
CTRL is a discussion and informational exchange list. Proselyzting propagandic
screeds are not allowed. Substance�not soapboxing! These are sordid matters
and 'conspiracy theory', with its many half-truths, misdirections and outright
frauds is used politically by different groups with major and minor effects
spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said, CTRL
gives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers;
be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credeence to Holocaust denial and
nazi's need not apply.
Let us please be civil and as always, Caveat Lector.
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