-Caveat Lector- from: http://www.infoburger.freeserve.co.uk/page2.htm <A HREF="http://www.infoburger.freeserve.co.uk/page2.htm">Infoburger page 2 with free fries, relish, extr </A> ----- Monica Lewinsky swallows pride but hits out at "false" accusations as she stars in new Hollywood shoe movie By our Oral Hygiene Correspondnet <pix> Monica Lewinsky playing an accident prone dental assistant in new Hollywod movie "Hush-Puppies." MONICA LEWINSKY, the woman who brought a deft smile to hen-peckered President Clinton, claims she was falsely accused, as she signed a contract for the new Hollywood film in which she will sometimes appear fully clothed. It wasn't sex, she told Infoburger regarding her liasion with the President, but an "oral inspection." I always dreamed of being a dentist ever since I can remember, and never wanted fame and fortune. "I just slipped and fell, and the President wasn't fully dressed at the time," she explained. Film producer Irwin Winklemore who has signed Ms. Lewinsky said "Monica is a "fine lady" who possessed "terrific talents." These, he added, could be easily applied to certain categories of the film industry in which he specialised. "It is not so much an 'off Broadway' production as an 'off clothes' picture. "Monica plays the role of an accident-prone dental nurse, who keeps slipping and falling down on her male patients," Mr. Winklemore said, "most of whom aren't fully dressed." He added "It's a terrific script that I knocked off one afternoon when I was interviewing Monica for something else." "This is a terrific interview, by the way," Mr. Winklemore said. ===== New Royal Commission mooted amid concerns of growing trend showing that British politicians are amongtst the lowest bribed MP's in the world By our Political Bribery Correspondent Margaret Thatcher - �400 million kickback was "peanuts" claims arms dealer THE GOVERNMENT today announced plans to form an investigative panel that will look at levels of bribes paid to British MP's. If, as expected, it is discovered that payment levels have broadly fallen against their American and European counterparts over the last few years, the Government has said it will establish a new Royal Commission to look into it The Royal Commission will be tasked with collecting and assessing present levels of black remuneration and building them into a new schedule of reccomended payments. This will act as a voluntary guideline for companies and others who wish to induce MP's to carry out favours on their behalf. The government believes this will be an entirely new approach to the subject and one which it is thought will ultimately benefit business and industry, who will have clear guidelines to work from for the first time in history. Although these measures are thought to broadly satisfy the requirements of MP's and business alike, they are viewed darkly by a wide network of political lobbyists who, hitherto, have been responsible for setting bribe levels and disguising these sensitive payments to Parliamentarians. Mr. Malcolm Wither, Chairman of the influential lobbying firm Pratt, Paye, Schemer & Associates, told Infoburger "this is a hair-brained idea. Doesn't the government understand that corrupt payments are meant to be kept secret? Otherwise, competition can no longer flourish as before." Mr. Wither rejected the view that the mooted payments schedule will do away with "brown envelope" payments to MP's. "Of course it won't. Instead, it will lead to a two-tier system. What will happen is that the schedule will set minimum criteria of corruption. The more influential Parliamentarians will insist on being paid both openly and in secret. They'll want a double-whammy." The expert lobbyist added "Brown envelopes are in the blood." Meanwhile, Infoburger can surprisingly reveal that a small handfull of Parliamentarians do not take bribes under any conditions. "They are a disgraceful bunch," said one colleague who asked not to be identified. Another added "They are without scruples. Look at their clothes, their life-styles. They absolutely epitomise honesty and integrity and tarnish the rest of us with their awful attributes. They should be drummed out of the House in my terrific view," Mr. Heseltine added. One of those unwilling to accept bribes agreed to meet with Infoburger on condition of utmost secrecy, to tell his side of the seamy story. "Yes, our colleagues despise us. We are to them the great unwashed." The MP continued, "being incorruptible is viewed as a sin by society, but views and opinions change over time," he added sadly. ===== Doctors say Yeltsin is as "comfortable as can be expected" and confirm the Russian premier is suffering from a debilitating bout of Chronic Corruption Fatigue By our Russian Kickback Correspondnet Russian premier reads children's fairytale "Boris the Corruptible" - an old Russian story told by peasants to frighten their children BORIS YELTSIN, the Russian premier, is said by doctors to be resting following a surprise attack of Chronic Corruption Fatigue, the debilitating disease that manifests symptoms of palms greased with gravy, and beds feathered with wealth down. Chronic Corruption Fatigue - or "CCF" as it is known by medical practicioners experienced in remunerectomy, results from a depletion of nervous energy combined with bouts of great anxiety suffered by the patient in their struggle to acquire a very great fortune. In premier Yeltsin's case, this included placing 5,590 Metric Tonnes of gold on the black market last Summer, as well as auctioning tens of billions of pristine Rouble banknotes to western banks and other interested buyers. The banknotes were offered at a 25% discount - in exchange for US Dollar currency. Sale proceeds were scheduled for deposit at a New York branch of Citibank, and administered by Sergey Kostantinovich Dubinin, Chairman of the Russian Central Bank. The premier was also active in the Topaz market which netted a cool $50 million from sales of black market gemstones held in safe custody at the Joint-Stock Company, Mosbusinessbank, Moscow, in the name of East Management Company, Inc. Sources confirm that the gold bullion on offer was deposited in a number of banks located throughout Europe thereby offering ease of transfer to interested buyers. These included 200 Tonnes located in Geneva; 180 Tonnes in Lugano; 60 Tonnes in Munich; 350 Tonnes in Frankfurt; 400 Tonnes in Zurich; 500 Tonnes in Hamburg and 600 Tonnes in Luxembourg. The two largest consignments were Bonn with 1,500 Tonnes and Amsterdam that boasted 1,800 Tonnes. All told the bullion had a street value of approximately $5.5 billion. The Russian premier is regarded as a terrific friend to Europe and America, who value his contribution to global stability and peace, and who are content to pay him large sums of money for his unpublicised agreement on various matters. ===== Police demand new sweeping powers to search safety deposit boxes and private bank vaults in campaign to finance new sweeping powers project By our Big Special Snooping Affairs Correspondnet Bill Clinton - says he supports British police's new burglary initiative POLICE today demanded the Home Secretary grant them new powers allowing them to inspect safety deposit boxes and other private vaults for valuables. These can then be indefinitely detained for questioning and for paying off-duty expenses. The surprise move followed a terrific announcement by the government that it intended to legislate new unprecedented powers that would allow the police to access and decrypt private email and other forms of electronic communication. Known as a "snoop law" the plan will enable police to read people's mail and take appropriate action to curtail free thought. A larger benefit will be the accessability of foreign commercial information - much of it proprietary - that can accrue to major British business as a consequence of eavesdropping by British authorities. Significant quantities of confidential information will be provided, free of charge, to major British companies who are consequently encouraged to donate unvouchered funds towards the governments relection campaign war-chest. Citing the police's willingness to engage in political snoopery on behalf of the government, Police Federation spokesman and Master Freemason, Jack Slipmeone, said: "This is clearly a quid pro quo situation. We'll snoop for them, but they've got to let us inspect and blag bank vaults and safety deposit boxes in return." Inspector Slipmeone added "It's not as if we are asking for anything new." ===== Top Chinese warlord Michael Chung celebrates 400th drug flight anniversary By our Birthdays & Christmas Affairs Correspondnet US Navy F-18 Hornet flying cover for dope run into China Lake MICHAEL CHUNG, leader of one of China's major drug trafficking families today celebrated his 400th succesful opium trip to China Lake, the sprawling US Naval Air Station located in drug-infested California. China Lake was made famous following the sensational murder of US Marine pilot, Colonel James Sabow, who was killed after he learned that large quantities of No. 4 Chinese White heroin were being smuggled into the country aboard US military aircraft. Sabow was shot in the mouth for daring to reveal details of the CIA sponsored drug smuggling operation. The manner of his death reflected the grisly message that those who "talk" will suffer a similar fate. In addition to large volumes of Chinese heroin, the China Lake base was used as a staging point for Cocaine smuggled in from Columbian cartels. Despite the adverse publicity surrounding Sabow's death, Chung and his business counterparts in the US military and intelligence community were confident they could press on with deliveries, leading to today's 400th round trip from Shanghai. "Eleryone was terriwically preased," Chung is reported to have said. _ ===== World's top charities lead the way in "Feed The Rich" food quality campaign By our Filthy Rich Correspondnet Moscow's latest chic restaurant, "Open Sandwich" is a big hit among Russia's upper crust MUCH less than one percent of the world's population is in imminent peril because of global changes in the way tax is distributed, according to the prestigious Feed The Rich Action Group for Management & Entertainers (FRAGMENT). FRAGMENT is at the fore of a global effort designed to harness the political muscle of the world's leading charities and combine this influence with a new initiative by the United Nations to make Caviar, Oysters, Champagne, Chateaubriand, Calvados - and other essential foodstuffs urgently and freely available to those who are not even remotely impoverished. Anyone who has a net disposable income in excess of US$3 million will be eligible for the food aid, UN officials say. Those individuals and families that fall below the $3 million cut-off point may, however, apply for dispensation to receive aid, said Mr. Jonathan Pomerol, the senior drinker for Lush & Lushette, Fifth Avenue's acclaimed restaurant management group. Mr. Pomerol has been appointed an expert on the UN committee that will oversee the Feed The Rich project. "It is heart-breaking to see these people imperiled in this way," Mr. Pomerol said as we dined at Manhattan's exclusive "Trat's Trattoria." "As wealth accrues ever towards a smaller and smaller circle of individuals and families, the truly very wealthy will increasingly become an incredibly powerful minority." Sipping a glass of 66 Lafite, he continued "We cannot allow that to happen without making special arrangements for them." This includes plans to largely subsidize all their home and restaraunt meals and to provide "live-in" staff specially trained in catering to every unreasonable whim. There are also plans to provide free theatre tickets, private jet aircraft gasoline vouchers, Yacht bunkering facilities plus revolving year-round luxury vacations. The cost of the programme, said to be exhorbitant, will be borne from a new international tax that is planned to come into force in the year 2001, insiders say. "The way ahead is to spread the cost," said Cybil Perisher, Chairperson of the very wealthy pressure group Our Needs First. "I very much doubt anyone will really notice a few pounds missing from their wage-packets each week," she said, but added "Tough shit if they do." ----- Aloha, He'Ping, Om, Shalom, Salaam. Em Hotep, Peace Be, Omnia Bona Bonis, All My Relations. Adieu, Adios, Aloha. Amen. Roads End Kris DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER ========== CTRL is a discussion and informational exchange list. Proselyzting propagandic screeds are not allowed. Substance�not soapboxing! These are sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory', with its many half-truths, misdirections and outright frauds is used politically by different groups with major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said, CTRL gives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credeence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply. 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