-Caveat Lector- >>>Embedded linques [including image of lettre to website] @ site. A<:>E<:>R <<< http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2003/022003.asp
IRATE VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY ISSUES A PUNCTILIOUS, LEGALLY PRECISE "OH, WISE GUY, EH? WHY I OUGHTA!" LETTER TO NEFARIOUS "WHITEHOUSE.ORG" TERROR PORTAL! Statement by the Vice President THE VICE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. As some of you more interweb- savvy, less-deodorized nerds with jobs way down the federal pay scale may already know, late 2001 saw a detestable rogue web site surface from the fecal slime of uncontrolled speech. At that time, we briefly took pains to alert the population to be wary of this sickening charade � "WHITEHOUSE.ORG" � which masquerades as the official White House digital propaganda organ. We know only too well how easily duped the American public can be and were, frankly, concerned that one of them might follow the siren call of this insubordinate web-thingy and wind up being cheated out of a joyous afternoon playing the taxpayer-financed game "Barney's Historical White House ABC's." But for 16 long, painful months, we steadfastly ignored "WHITEHOUSE.ORG" and busied ourselves with stuff like bombing Iraq and giving the finger to the rest of the world. Well, all that deliberate and statesmanlike forbearance came to a quick halt last December when one evening I heard my dear, demure wife Lynne scream like a deranged Negress in the next room. At first, I thought our ruggedly masculine daughter Mary had escaped from the attic and given another interview to the homosexual press. But it turned out that while performing her nightly ritual of Googling herself over a tumbler of Riunite on ice, Lynne caught wind of one particularly egregious and America-hating page. With my wife barking at my backside and throwing ice- cubes across the room, there was no way my administration could ignore this depraved website any longer. And so we sprung into action � employing the full power of America's unrivalled intelligence-gathering apparatus to deliver our sorta-kinda-but-not-really "Writ of Oh, Cut It Out" letter to an old and invalid address. Only several days ago, after Lynne, equipped with a New York City street map and a case of Riunite, had her limo driver traverse a three country area, were we successfully able to deliver our communication. Today, though we have yet to receive a formal response, I wanted to publicly reiterate the thrust of my letter to the "WHITEHOUSE.ORG" terror portal: Either you take down that snotty biography of my wife, or I'll have my Bahamas-educated legal staff take another break from shredding Energy Task Force documents to use taxpayer- owned stationery and office equipment to fire off another toothless intimidation missive � in which a big spooky bundle of mis-cited, irrelevant legal precedents and half-truths are sandwiched between two pansy requests to let yours truly wipe my ass with the First Amendment! Hell, it's not like my wife is a public figure or anything � just because she's been a CNN "Crossfire" pundit, a leading right-wing strategist for the American Enterprise Institute, and a prolific author of sociocultural propaganda, vacuously jingoistic children's books, academic blacklists, and turbo-juicy lesbian erotica, which she assures me � repeatedly � springs only from her moist and fertile imagination. Sure, she still does most of that stuff � we just make sure she keeps a lower profile these days � mainly so she stops setting the kind of bad example that makes little girls walk away from their God-intended life of bare-footed pregnancy to become uppity smarty- pants Hillary Clinton feminazis or our daughter without children. As such, again, she is most certainly NOT a public figure. She's just my sweet apolitical snookums who just happens to find her pretty little mug on television and national newspapers all the time and is being outright smeared by a pack of cretins who could really stand to take a few lessons in whipping up the so- called political ha-ha from my pals knee- slapping funny Jay Leno and our dear friends and supporters at Saturday Night Live. In closing, please keep in mind that I'm speaking as the mastermind of a legislative agenda predicated almost exclusively on Social Darwinism when I confess that I experience a slight, non-pacemaker-induced pang of chestal discomfort each time so-called American citizens � like these WHITEHOUSE.ORG terrorists � err on the side of publishing ideologies that doom them to lifetimes of FBI monitoring, politically-motivated income tax audits, and � in special circumstances � mysterious newfound predilections to bathing fully clothed with a whole Radio Shack's worth of plugged-in appliances. Do I have to remind anyone what happened to that Enron would-be snitch? No, I didn't think so. Thank you. No questions, please. � E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN � ### << back career opportunities | privacy policy | accessibility | links | reader mail | link to whitehouse.org | web team �2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody - disclaimer & terms Forwarded for your information. The text and intent of the article have to stand on their own merits. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. section 107, this material is distributed without charge or profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving this type of information for non-profit research and educational purposes only. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe simply because it has been handed down for many genera- tions. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many. 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