-Caveat Lector-

Observer Comment Extra
http://www.observer.co.uk/worldview/story/0,11581,919900,00.html


Tony and the pixies

Online commentary: Democracy in Iraq? Peace and reconstruction? Hasn't
Tony been paying attention on his trips to Washington?

Terry Jones
Sunday March 23, 2003
The Observer

Dear Tony,

I'm terribly worried that you may be losing your grip on reality.

For example, a few days ago you went on television and announced that
after the US has bombed Baghdad "We shall help Iraq move towards
democracy."

Now I don't want to be a wet blanket, Tony, but was it a leprechaun who
suggested this idea to you?

Since the Second World War, the US has bombed China, Korea, Guatemala,
Indonesia, Cuba, Guatemala (again), Peru, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia,
Guatemala (third time lucky), Grenada, Lebanon, Libya, El Salvador,
Nicaragua, Iran, Panama, Iraq, Kuwait, Somalia, Bosnia, Afghanistan and
Yugoslavia - in that order - and in not a single case did the bombing
produce a democratic government as a direct result.

Why do you think it will be any different in Iraq? Or did your fairy
godmother promise you this along with a golden coach?

In the same TV appearance you also went a bit dreamy and said that you
were going to "put the money from Iraqi oil in a UN trust fund so that it
benefits Iraq and no one else."

Hasn't anyone told you that they've been debating how to use the Iraqi oil
field money in the White House for months, and there is a strong body of
opinion that thinks it's a good idea to use it to cover the expense of the
US military operation, which, let's face it, is going to be colossal. $6-$9
billion a month - that's a lot of money for a nation in the economic mess
George W Bush's America is currently in.

And then what on earth did you say to that nice Clare Short to persuade
her not to resign? She came out of your office saying that you'd
"persuaded President Bush that there must be a UN resolution on creating
a UN mandate for the reconstruction of Iraq."

Now come on! You've been playing with the pixies haven't you? You know
perfectly well that President Bush and his people don't give a goblin's cuss
for the UN. Richard Perle, who happens to be chairman of Mr. Bush's
defence policy board, only this week called the UN "the chatterbox on
the Hudson" - despite the fact that it's on the East River (hope his
geography is a bit more accurate when he starts ordering the bombing!)

Perle was penning an obituary for the United Nations and he didn't seem
too sad to see it go. "What will die is the fantasy of the UN as the
foundation of a new world order...the liberal conceit of safety through
international law administered by international institutions."

And what will replace the UN, in Mr. Perle's fairy tale world? Why the good
ole USA of course! It will administer worldwide justice and punishment in
the interests of "a new century favourable to American principles and
interests". Not much comfort there for us elves and brownies.

You know Mr Bush and his advisors can't wait to sell the UN building off as
a luxury apartments with stunning views of the East River - sorry, Richard! -
the Hudson. (I'm sure they're going to swap the names so as to bring the
chairman of the defence policy board's remarks into line with reality.)

And, Tony, I hope you didn't persuade Clare to stay in your government by
promising that she could be in charge of all the UN reconstruction and
humanitarian aid, because you know that's only going to happen in
dreamland.

Mr Bush and his chums want this to be an exclusively US business. They're
only allowing American companies to bid for the £640 million worth of
reconstruction planned (paid for no doubt by Iraqi oil) and that includes
running the health and education services. Poor Clare is going to have a
big empty office and nothing to do in it.

What's more the UN won't continue its humanitarian aid (which currently
feeds 60% of Iraqis) because the yanks will insist on US troops delivering it.
Washington boasts that its soldiers, when they've killed enough people, will
magically transform into kindly aid workers. But Justin Forsyth, the head of
policy at Oxfam says: "We don't want our aid equipment to be offloaded off
the back of a US military lorry, because if we were to do that we would be
seen as part of a belligerent force."

So all little Clare Short will have got for compromising her principles and
making herself a laughing stock is a short trip to Washington and somebody
else's hanky to blow her nose in.

And I bet you don't make her Deputy Prime Minister in the next reshuffle.

Now I can't believe that you have done any of this deliberately. It must be
those fairy folk, whispering in your ear. So why don't you look into your
heart and see if there is any glimmer of truth and honour left in there, and
then chase those goblins and elves away. It could just work.

Best wishes,

Terry Jones

· Terry Jones writes regularly for The Observer. To all those readers who
have written in to ask if this Terry Jones had anything to do with Monty
Python, the answer is yes.

Send us your views

Email Observer site editor Sunder Katwala at
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future pieces.

About Observer Comment Extra

The Observer website carries additional online commentary each week,
responding to recent pieces to continue the debate and offering
additional coverage of the major issues. See Observer Comment and
Observer Worldview for this week's pieces. The Observer's online
commentaries are also trailed in the print pages of the newspaper.

Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003
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have to stand on their own merits.
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