The Neo-Con Iraq Glossary
After years of harping about liberal "political correctness," the Neo-Cons have invented a whole vocabulary designed to hide the unbearable facts in Iraq. Yup, these hardheaded realists have made up so many fairytale words that you need a glossary just to know what the hell they're talking about. So here it is: a quick bilingual dictionary to help the sane English speaker understand the Right's delusive Iraq babble.
"Sleep management": As in, not letting Iraqi prisoners sleep at all. Everywhere else in the world, they're calling this "sleep deprivation," one of the simplest and most effective forms of torture ever invented. But once again, America's reporters resort to the language of the corporate boardroom to avoid the grim facts of war. It's not "deprivation," see, it's just a management tool.
Repositioning: What we did at Fallujah, after huffing and puffing and swearing we were going in to kick some Sunni ass. Synonyms: "snagglepussing," "running like rabbits," "abandoning the field of battle." Related nouns: "rout," "debacle," "backdown."
Favorable conditions for interrogation: Torture. Related terms: "stress positions" (e.g., "If you fall off the box, you'll be electrocuted!"); "waterboarding" (Not as sporty as it sounds, this technique involves tying a suspect to a board which is dunked, then yanked up when the suspect is on the point of drowning). "Unorthodox Interrogation Techniques": Torture. Every TV station and newspaper outside the US calls it by its real, simple name, but America's press can't say the T-word--not when it's us doing the doing the tor- Whoops, we meant to say "doing the unorthodox interrogation techniques." That's how America's bold, independent free press came up with this 11-syllable tongue-twister. By stressing the unorthodox style of our torturers, we give them credit for the ingenuity and resourcefulness they've shown in tormenting Iraqis. Loved what you did with the electrodes and the hood! Very unorthodox!
Communication specialists within the Bush administration are reported to be working on a top-secret project to rename famous tortures of the past. For example, "boiled in oil" will be renamed "thermodynamic anointment," while fingernail-pulling is now to be referred to as "assertive manicure."
These are only a few of the many inventive, market-oriented terms America's conservatives have invented in the crucible of war. They may not be ready to offer their lives for their country, but they have shown themselves ready to offer their mealy little mouths.
"Homicide Bombs": This is without a doubt the funniest, gosh-durn stupidest euphemism of all. Apparently the master communicators at Fox decided "suicide bomber" gave the bomber too much credit. So they came up with this instead. The problem is that every bomb in history is a "homicide bomb." Every bomb ever dropped in every war was a homicide bomb!
That's the friggin' point, you boneheads! The reason "suicide bomb" came into use is that the bomber blowing himself up was the new twist!
"Terrorists": Iraqis. If you watched Fox or CNN as Iraq went up in flames, you saw the news writers struggling to come up with a name for...well, them--the enemy, the people attacking us. It was tough going for the writers. They stayed with "dead-enders" and "Saddam loyalists" as long as there was any hope of getting America's gullible viewers to believe the resistance was simply Sad-dam's last gasp. When his capture failed to have any effect on the resistance, we needed a new name. So for a few weeks, there was chaos as nouns were auditioned frantically. "Insur-gents"? It sounded too...legitimate. "Rebels"? Too confusing--how can Iraqis be rebelling in Iraq? "Foreign agitators"? Well, but they aren't, you see. Nobody but Geraldo is sleazy enough to repeat something so obviously untrue. What to do, what to do? Fox solved the quandary in their simple, hearty way: the fuckers are shooting at us, and that makes them...you got it: "Terrorists!"
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