-Caveat Lector-
>From http://www.covertcomic.com/Underg.htm
Some real weirdoes in the "intelligence" community.
Teo1000
The Intelligence Underground:
The Spookiest of the Spooks
By
Jim Beetel
Remember James Jesus Angleton, the paranoid CIA counterintelligence officer
who, when he wasn’t single-handedly terrorizing the Agency’s Directorate of
Operations during the 1950’s and 60’s, was writing and publishing eccentric
poetry? And how about the military intelligence officer at Pentagon who,
prior to being discreetly retired a few years back, was producing and selling
his own pornographic videos on the side? More to the point, what about the
founding ‘father’ of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, J. Edgar Hoover,
who allegedly spent many an evening (presumably during non-work hours)
secretly parading around various Washington DC hotel rooms in drag?
Scattered throughout the US Intelligence Community in Washington DC today are
numerous intelligence officials, possessing the highest security clearances
and enjoying access to the most sensitive US Government secrets, who are
notorious for their highly unorthodox personal opinions and/or behavior.
These various Intelligence Community oddballs constitute what is nowadays
referred to by Washingtonians in the know as the Intelligence Underground. As
such, these unique men and women are maintaining a tradition as old as
America’s Intelligence Community itself.
For example, there’s the famed CIA ‘ufologist,’ Ron P. who, in addition to
his official duties as an analyst for the Agency, is known throughout the
Intelligence Community for his obsession with UFO’s. This obsession sometimes
gets him in trouble. Witness an incident several years ago in which a
civilian UFO researcher telephoned Ron P. at CIA and asked him what he knew
about an alleged – and no doubt mythical – secret Government project
concerning extraterrestrial life. Reportedly Ron P. replied "Who cleared you
for that project?" and then hung up, a prank that allegedly garnered the
considerable ire of CIA management when it was subsequently reported in UFO
journals around the world.
And by the way, I happen to know for a fact that Ron P.’s duties at CIA have
absolutely nothing to do with the study of extraterrestrial intelligence (no
matter how you define that term). I once dropped by Ron’s office at CIA
Headquarters to meet the legend; although Ron wasn’t in at the time I did
notice much interesting UFO paraphernalia in his office (including a
battery-operated toy flying saucer).
Another notorious Intelligence Underground weirdo (or should I say weirdette)
cannot be referred to in this article even by her initials, so controversial
is her particular idiosyncrasy. This woman (who, like Ron P., by sheer chance
just happens to work at CIA) is a regular in the shadowy world of
Washington’s BDSM (Bondage and Discipline/Sado-Masochism) scene. According to
reliable sources her orientation is that of ‘femdom’ (i.e., a keeper of male
sex slaves – presumably the males are consenting).
I once crept stealthily up to her cubicle at the CIA building where she works
and, so as not to be caught (and possibly disciplined) by the dominatrix,
carefully and silently peered over the wall. There she was, busily typing
away at her computer, defending our National Security with precisely the sort
of rigorous zeal one would expect from a woman who delights in the erotic
torture of male genitalia. And incidentally, fellows, she’s attractive!
Finally, lest the reader conclude that I’m picking on the folks at Langley,
let me mention here and now that famous FBI Special Agent who prefers to be
addressed (during non-working hours) by the modest nickname Jesus Jr. It
seems that Jesus Jr. (whom I first met at an interagency conference on
terrorism around 1995) is utterly convinced that he is none other than the
son of Jesus Christ. The public may be pleased to learn that the son of the
Messiah, when he isn’t investigating possible federal crimes against America,
is undertaking at no expense to taxpayers one of his clandestine ‘healing
sessions’ at which he provides miraculous cures for maladies ranging from
full-blown AIDS to spiritual depression (more typically the latter).
And yes, let me state for the record that I have actually accompanied (at his
invitation) Jesus Jr. on one of his secret healing sessions. There I
personally witnessed this man, who has obviously been touched by God, lay
hands on many people (most of them poor and relatively uneducated), several
of whom experienced no doubt medically inexplicable recoveries from
everything from drug addiction to "a bad attitude toward the Lord" (I don’t
know how to verify that the drug addicts were actually healed; I guess I’ll
just have to take their word for it).
Given that most of these (and other) eccentric practices are apparently
known, to one degree or another, by the security offices of the various
agencies for which members of the Intelligence Underground work, the obvious
question arises: Why haven’t these kooks been fired for their bizarre
activities? Perhaps, in the end, they will be. For the moment though, these
and other crazies continue in their official duties as custodians of some of
America’s most sensitive information … and thereby constitute full-fledged
members of America’s Intelligence Underground.
But hold on, there’s more. In addition to the interesting beings described
above, there’s another denizen of the Intelligence Underground who clearly
warrants mention. Indeed, it’s probably no exaggeration to state that the
following person constitutes one of the Intelligence Underground’s most
prominent members. The person in question is a CIA officer, one John
Alejandro King, otherwise known as The Covert Comic.
Who (or what) is The Covert Comic, you ask?
I suppose the simplest way to answer this question is to provide the Internet
address of the Covert Comic’s very own web site, which has been published to
the great consternation of CIA Security and which is filled with fascinating
and (some would say) hilarious information about the US Intelligence
Community:
www.covertcomic.com
In this web site readers can find information about such important topics as
who really killed JFK (hint: according to this web site it was The Covert
Comic), the connection between the CIA and alien abductions and, last but
definitely not least, hundreds and hundreds of original jokes about the CIA,
the US Intelligence Community, and life and the cosmos.
By way of a sample, consider the following spook jokes which Intelligence
Underground enthusiasts from NSA to DIA to INSCOM have voted among their
personal favorites:
"As a CIA employee, whenever I hear that the Agency is programming people’s
minds I have to laugh. I don’t want to laugh when I hear this, but I have to
because that’s the way the CIA programmed my mind."
"The two criticisms we at CIA hear most frequently are, first, that CIA
intelligence is inaccurate, and second, that CIA officers are selling CIA
intelligence to foreign spy agencies. ... So what’s the problem?"
"If it’s really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don’t bounce off when I
shoot it?"
"If I’m ever working overseas for CIA and I get captured by a foreign
intelligence service and they start torturing me, I sure hope I don’t
discover that I like being tortured, because being tortured would be bad
enough, but to like it, that would be kind of creepy, you know what I mean?
"Plus which, after the foreign intelligence people tortured me for awhile and
realized I was enjoying it, they’d probably say "Hey, this guy likes being
tortured." So then they’d probably stop torturing me, just to make me
unhappy. And I don’t know about you, but I hate being unhappy.
"On the other hand, if in order to make me unhappy someone deliberately
stopped torturing me when they knew I wanted to be tortured, wouldn’t that be
kind of like torture? And wouldn’t that therefore make me happy?
"So then the situation would be that I wouldn’t be getting tortured, and I’d
be happy … Which I guess means that everything would be OK!
"You see how, when you take the time to really think things through, there’s
usually nothing to be afraid of?"
"If somebody says "You are what you eat," and I eat that person, does that
mean it was actually me who was saying this?"
Other entries in The Covert Comic’s web site include a bizarre short story
about a CIA contractor entitled ‘The Penis’ (apparently modeled after Nikolai
Gogol’s literary classic The Nose), an absolutely hilarious transcript of a
recent CIA ‘intelligence briefing,’ as well as a 50-page ‘resume’ containing
many of the author’s more interesting experiences as a CIA officer – along
with several of his exploits as a bass player for various well-known disco
recording artists (yes, you read right: prior to joining the CIA the author
apparently played bass on many famous disco records in the late 1970’s). If
you don’t believe me, visit www.covertcomic.com and see for yourself.
The upshot of all this strangeness? Clearly the Intelligence Underground
lives on, and is in fact thriving in the post-Cold War era. Just how long
this latest generation of weirdos like John Alejandro King will be able to
remain employed in the most sensitive jobs in the US Government is a matter
open to debate. But that John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, along
with his fellow oddballs in the Intelligence Underground, is maintaining the
hallowed tradition of eccentric US intelligence officers is beyond doubt.
Here’s hoping that in the Land of the Free it’ll never quite be impossible
for an out-and-out nut case to get and keep a top-secret security clearance.
The author has worked for the CIA since at least the 1980’s (and maybe even
earlier, if those stories about CIA mind control are accurate).
Back
Covert Comic Jokes
Schedule The Covert Comic!
Table of Contents
Copyright 1999
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