-Caveat Lector- The SWAMP GAS JOURNAL Special Issue #4 ISSN 0707-7106 Spring, 1996 Alien Incompetency Theory: A Unified Theory to Explain UFO Phenomena by Chris Rutkowski One of the most significant issues in ufology today is the attempt to explain the wide variety of conflicting, confusing and bizarre elements of the UFO phenomenon. In every subfield of ufological studies, there are aspects which strain the logic of even the most seasoned researcher and cause one to doubt the rationality of the genre. To this end, a new theory has been developed by members of Ufology Research of Manitoba (UFOROM) which appears to explain most, if not all, of these baffling elements. The theory, labelled AINT, is the Alien INcompetency Theory, and describes how all the confusing aspects can be explained by assuming one simple tenet: aliens are incompetent. To illustrate the theory, one need only to look at examples from within the phenomenon itself, including its outlying subfields. First, let us look at alien abductions. One of the basic premises of alien abductions is the conscious recall by abductees of their experiences aboard alien spacecraft. Nearly all abductees report that during their ordeal, the aliens create some sort of mental block within their minds so that they cannot remember what has occurred. Yet, as evidenced by the huge number of abduction accounts published and under investigation, these mental blocks are ineffective. This is odd, considering the advanced technology and knowledge reported to be held by the aliens. Some abductees report that their captors claim thousands of years of development beyond our own, yet they, too, have failed to produce a lasting screen memory that can withstand our feeble efforts to unlock it via simple hypnosis techniques duplicable by any charlatan or stage magician. Why would this be? (Vladimir Simosko, a UFOROM associate and noted Fortean researcher, has suggested some alternatives. Aside from sheer incompetence, he notes two other possibilities: 1) aliens have a wacky sense of humor; and 2) they *want* us to remember, despite the pretense of intending us to forget.) Another curious observation is that nearly all abductees report aliens with roughly humanoid shapes and comparable sizes, but with different origins and purposes. Some aliens tell their victims they are from Venus, some from the Pleiades and others from Zeta Reticuli. Since space science has learned Venus cannot support life, this is obvious misinformation. As for the Pleiades, these are stars much younger than our Sun and without hope for planets with suitable living conditions at this time. Some aliens claim their home planet has deteriorated from misuse and pollution, and wish to warn us about our own disruption of our planet. Others suggest they need our biological material to breed new life (literally) into their gene pool, perhaps to regain such things as emotions or other human characteristics. It is interesting that these scenarios imply that the aliens have somehow caused their own demise and that without our help they are lost. In other words, they made some serious mistakes. It is not too much of a stretch to suggest they were incompetent in managing their resources! Of course, some aliens are said to claim that they are superior to us and have their own agendas. This is precisely the claims an incompetent person would say to cover his or her mistakes in order to keep from being embarrassed. We can look at other aspects of abductions for further evidence. One abductee studied by John Mack described how she woke up one morning after her abduction, wearing lavender underwear. This was baffling to her because she didn't own any underwear of that color. Mack quickly interpreted this to mean that the aliens had somehow made a mistake on board their craft during a busy mass-abduction, and mixed-up abductees' clothing. Other abductees have reported returning from their abductions with slippers on the wrong feet and other items of clothing either missing or improperly fastened. In a case studied by Budd Hopkins, an abductee's earrings were found to be in backwards after her ordeal on board a craft. This all speaks to one explanation: the aliens were incompetent. One would hope that superior beings who have been watching humans for many years would have easily picked up nuances such as the color of our clothing and the way jewelry is fastened to our bodies. Simosko would again note that this could be a display of an alien sense of humor, or perhaps an "intelligence test" of some sort. Regarding further refinements of AINT, he offers four postulates: 1) If the aliens are intervening to "help us along," they are incompetent because it isn't working out too well; humans remain relatively unsophisticated and not very "tuned-in" to the universe. 2) If the aliens are intervening by holding us back, it isn't working all that well, either, since although an overwhelming majority of humans are tuned-out, there are a number who are attempting to raise the level of consciousness: Mother Theresa, the Pope, Sun Ra, the Dalai Lama, Sharon Stone, etc. 3) If the aliens are trying *not* to intervene, they're even more incompetent than the other postulates would indicate. 4) If there are several different groups of aliens, some helping and others preventing our advancement, this is proof of incompetence because they cannot "get their act together." Another aspect of the UFO phenomenon is crash/retrievals. Associated with the idea that some alien ships have crashed on Earth is the concept that terran government or military bureaucrats have failed to keep the crashes secret, allowing some documents to be leaked to UFO researchers. (More on this later.) The most famous crash story is that of the Roswell incident, in which a flying saucer apparently crashed during an electrical storm in New Mexico in 1947. While researchers have spent many years tracking down witnesses and speculating as to where the ship might have done down, the obvious question has never been asked: Why did it crash in the first place? One only needs to consider accidents of terrestrial vehicles in order to realize the answer: pilot or driver error. It would be truly remarkable to consider that an alien pilot who has navigated his (or her or its) craft through interstellar space using highly-advanced technology and propulsion would be unable to maintain level flight through a mere thunderstorm. There is only one reasonable and possible explanation: the pilot was incompetent. Considering the large number of saucer crashes now claimed by researchers, it would seem that many aliens have difficulty flying their vehicles. Surely this could imply that many are incompetent. We can look to crop circles as further support for AINT. Allegedly, crop circles constitute a form of "communication" between aliens and ourselves. It is implied they are trying to warn us of or prepare us for some upcoming fateful situation through the creation of "agriglyphs," consisting of complex mathematical patterns and obscure symbols. Why would they attempt to communicate with us in such a fashion? Why not just send a radio message or write something in English or Japanese on a sheet of cardboard? Why 100-foot-wide Mayan lettering in marketable durham? Obviously, their communication skills are less than exemplary, especially since researchers cannot come to an agreement as to the exact messages (other than something about impending "earth changes"). The aliens must be, of course, incompetent. What about the infamous Men-in-Black (MIBs)? They are described as human in appearance, though possessing some characteristics that give them away. Their facial pallor is often olive or grey in color and their eyes are wide and staring. Their movements are jerky and their speech stilted. They may ask people unusual questions or otherwise show an unfamiliarity with terran customs. For example, in response to the query: "Hey, buddy! What you lookin' at? You want a knuckle sandwich?", a MIB might say, "Yes, please, with some mayonnaise." Such actions easily show they are not humans at all; if their purpose was to mimic humans, their imperfections show that they are, again, incompetent. Contactees often will share their imparted knowledge from their alien mentors. Unfortunately, practically all contactees claim contact with different aliens from different planets and with different messages to humankind. (They are similar to abductees in this way.) When pressed to ask their channelled entities for more palpable proof of their claims, or perhaps a useable prediction or two, the contactees are told by the aliens that Earth is "not ready" for the knowledge or, instead, give a vague diatribe about "parallel vibrational states" or "temporal matter disruptions." An examination of other channelled material finds many other examples of alien doubletalk and bafflegab. Rather than accepting the channelled information as revelations from higher beings, the lack of content of the messages suggests something else: the aliens themselves don't know the answers or lack the information as well. Again, we can ask how an incredibly advanced civilization would not be able to give one single example that would prove their superiority. Could it be that they do not know the answers, despite their reputed intelligence? One can also ask why aliens would choose to abduct people from lower castes or social status rather than those in positions of authority. Why don't they land on the White House lawn? Perhaps they don't know to do so. How could they not know this? They are incompetent. Even the implants found inside some abductees are curious. Each one is of a different size, shape and/or compost, and while there is a trend for some to be found in abductees' noses, others are found in feet, shoulders, wrists and knees. Surely, if the aliens are conducting a scientific test, their methodology would be consistent. In fact, the implants appear to be little more than chunks of metal or calcified plastics rather than microtransmitters. Perhaps the alien doctors don't know what they are doing. In all of these examples, it is possible to interpret the aliens' actions as being far from superior. In fact, they seem rather ridiculous. But, if the aliens are really superior beings from an advanced civilization on a distant planet, why are they acting in such an illogical manner? We can point to a parallel situation here on our own planet. Why, given our own relatively-advanced technology and level of knowledge, is bureaucratic infighting delaying the construction of the space station? Why is NASA nearly bankrupt? We also can look at examples in areas other than space science. Why would politicians lobby for tighter controls on cigarettes because of cancer dangers, but pass bills that would subsidize farmers to grow tobacco? Why do bureaucrats create subcommittees to investigate wastes of time and taxpayers' money? Why would politicians sponsor a covert activity to break into a psychiatrist's office in a hotel? (For that matter, why would people vote for politicians, knowing their track records for honesty and integrity?) Why can't my subscription to a magazine get renewed, even when I send the check in four months before the subscription expires? And why are 60% of all automobiles recalled by the manufacturer during the first year they are on the road? The answer, of course, is incompetence. Bureaucratic bungling, political wrangling and general ineptitude are responsible for most of the problems in the world today. Politicians and bureaucrats create such confusion that it is clear they themselves have no idea what they are doing. Now, imagine a highly-evolved technical civilization on a distant planet. Its society functions well, with the exception of a comparatively small number of its population. These would no doubt be their most ineffective politicians and bureaucrats. What better way to remove them from the general gene pool and workforce than to send them off on interstellar voyages that, with relativity, would return them many, many years later, if at all? Because they are incompetent, they would be confused as to their mission. They would be clumsy pilots and navigators and, because they lack the true knowledge of their society, they would be unable to tell anyone anything about their purpose or scientific capability with any degree of understanding or common sense. As evidence that this is true, a cursory study of the terrestrial government cover-up of UFO crashes shows incompetence as well, but this time with regard to human bureaucrats. The presence of a vast number of leaked documents shows that the government (even a "shadow" variety) cannot function effectively because it is, after all, still a government (which, by definition, is incompetent). Therefore, we can observe that bizarre aspects of the UFO phenomenon are explained best by assuming the aliens are incompetent. More to the point, they must be the most incompetent examples of their race, namely the bureaucrats. The Alien Incompetency Theory is borne out by an examination of the available observations and claims of witnesses, and can finally explain what is going on. An understanding of this situation will certainly change the way ufologists will approach their subject. March, 1996 Winnipeg, Canada ******************************************************************* Standard disclaimer: The above material has nothing to do with the University of Manitoba. 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