-Caveat Lector-
Anyone heard anything about this?
Peter dated 28 Nov
From: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional
task
force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader of a
militant doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a heavily
fortified compound at the Northpole. According to witnesses, federal
agents hid in livestock trailers as they drove up to the compound.
The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles. Several
agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a snowbank.
The
agents were unable to use dog teams and sleds because the ATF agents
shot
all the dogs during training at a nearby recreational facility where
agents
had practiced for weeks on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for
the
raid.
As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers
stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure,
throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!" Cult members and
law officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident
began.
For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the
premises. The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns
were posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from
the
main battle area.
In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The Northpole Tribune-Herald
said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of high-powered
weapons,
probably produced in a workshop disguised as a "toy factory." This toy
factory is also believed to be the sight of a methamphetamine
laboratory,
according to sources inside the ATF.
The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader, who
uses several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas," and
"Saint
Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to have at least
15
wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse and said he has had
only one wife, Mrs. Santa Claus.
Authorities had a warrant to search the Northpole compound for guns and
explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader, Santa Claus,
said
Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in
Washington,
D.C. Mr. Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to get a copy of
this warrant, however, because it had been sealed, "for national
security
reasons."
The assault came one day after the Northpole Tribune-Herald began
publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the
deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15
wives.
ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had been
planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the newspaper's
investigation set up heightened tension."
The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a tower
with lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly patrol
the
77-acre grounds at night.
Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members refused
to
surrender documents relating to national security. A source inside the
Justice Department said that the documents were lists of cabinet members
and highly placed government officials who were naughty or nice. Despite
preliminary, secret negotiations to obtain the list, the Elves refused
to
surrender the document to the Justice Department.
The raid was scheduled early, because December 25 is believed to be a
traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves would be engaged in
cult rituals in preparation for the event.
At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said, "These
militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching them to
expect charity. They have even distributed free, working replicas of
'assault
weapons' and 'handguns.' It is a matter of dire importance to our future
and the future of all our children, that this peril be ended by every
means
at
our disposal."
She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and
shoot
everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this child
abuse from occurring again, but that appears to be our only
alternative."
According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and
conditions
inside were horrendous. The Department of Justice is also looking into
allegations of animal cruelty. Former members of the cult have claimed
that Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at least eight
reindeer,
housed in sordid conditions on the compound. Witnesses reported seeing a
reindeer with a protruding red nose, which Janet Reno said was further
indication of the abusive conditions inside the compound.
Several of the elves were reported by the ATF to have been carrying
automatic weapons. However, independent sources dispute this, claiming
that the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes.
ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as
hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the
Northpole in military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles.
"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were
waiting..." Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.
A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents appeared
to
be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes, as well as
frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing forest-green camouflage in
the
wintery terrain.
Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.
Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn,
chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy of
the
naughty/nice list.
One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park. His
name and the cause of death are unknown at this time, however, the White
House immediately issued a statement claiming the official had committed
suicide after learning his name was not on the nice list.
Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on
whether she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list
from a
safe inthe White House.
A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that Santa
Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson to
anyone
who
tries to give to everyone without permission from the welfare
department,
and that gathering sensitive data without a permit from official sources
will be stopped by any means.
FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child of
1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman. We have cut off all
electricity, water, and communications to the compound. Santa Claus has
demanded that we relay a message to the world. It reads, 'Merry
Christmas
to all and to all a good night.' FBI psychological experts are presently
analyzing
the message, however, preliminary reports indicate this is an encrypted
threat
to invade the neighboring towns near the Northpole. It may also be a
doomsday
message that the cult intends to commit suicide, like Jonestown."
Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the
pile
of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She claimed
that
she was going to confiscate any that she found as "evidence" and that
they
were for a personal investigation that she was conducting.
We are about to go on a Journey. All Aboard
http://sites.netscape.net/gsussnzl/poleshift
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