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Jeff Rense Weekly E-News
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The Week Ahead
12-5-99 thru 12-11-99
Guests, Announcements, Week's Top Stories
From sightings.com
Jeff Rense E-News is distributed
exclusively by Free Subscription.
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* FROM JEFF'S DESK *
If you have ever received an aggravating email chain letter, the
following commentary/rant will probably be fun... (note: the
expletives and racy words have been sanitized in this version)
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare
and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme
virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal
electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that
if you send them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough
money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her
off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe
that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send
this email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here!
If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy
Bunny in the magazine'll visit me! What a bunch of B.S.!
So, basically, this message is a big ***** to all the people
out there who have nothing better to do than to send me
stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter
leprechauns will come into my apartment and terrorize me in
my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by
Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year
2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for
longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're
going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a Nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about
90 times. I don't give a damn! Show a little intelligence and
think about what you're actually contributing to by sending
out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of
all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5
seconds, you will be assaulted by a mad goat and thrown off
a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because,
THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at
you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a
plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there
is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no
arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life
could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar
will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy
from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have
absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a
complete load of B.S. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in
the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send
this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This
is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and
probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do. So this
is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7
minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She
had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then
tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was
gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying
out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail
and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and
went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just
send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything
will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all
your friends.
FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of
poop, and your breath smells like you've been eating
catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly
as a hat full of road apples.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled
yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry
about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they
really think you should be mugged by mad goats, then thrown
to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then
gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no,
sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he
wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever
again!
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you
shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them
feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's
been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour
is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this
mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll
find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.
***************************************
and wot's more!!!....
Horseback Riding
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The
other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until
the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my
might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got
caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head
first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and
harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as
I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart
manager came out and unplugged it.
Thank God for heroes!
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"To reach the port of heaven,
we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it-
-but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
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The Books of Enoch
The books of Enoch were hidden. Why? Knowledge of the past....?
"11 And the women conceiving brought forth giants,12 Whose
stature was each three hundred cubits. These devoured all
which the labor of men produced; until it became impossible
to feed them; 13 When they turned themselves against men, in
order to devour them; - I Enoch 7: 11-13
Or is it for the knowledge of the future in them....?
http://www.immunotex.com/books/enoch/
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* TOP STORIES *
Just a few of last week's most intriguing!
http://www.sightings.com
* Did The Military Train Seattle Police?
* 'Paid Demonstrator' Claims From Seattle
* Cattle Mutilations Continue In New Mexico
* Enormous Gene Breakthrough - Entire Human Chromosome Mapped
* Bill To Hillary:'No Way I'm Going To Be Your First Lady' -
Divorce Said Coming
* More Top AF Pilots Said Resigned Over Anthrax Vaccinations
* Acupuncture Conclusively Shown To Reduce Pain
* Genetically-Modified Corn Leaves Deadly Toxin In Soil
* The Storm Drain Shot And More Evidence Of Zapruder Film
Tampering
* People Underestimate Their Damage To Our Oceans
* Y2K - Iran Warns Its People Of Breakdown Of Public Services
* Y2K - IEA Plans For Emergency Oil Sales And Rationing...Just
In Case
* Don't Pick Up That Phone To Ring In The New Year
* China's New Stealth Missile Could Nuke US Without Warning
* Promising Cancer Therapy Uses Nuclear Waste
* New Technique Squeezes More Radio Commercials Into Each Hour *
Y2K - Clinton Set To Declare National Emergency - 50+ Crises
Expected
* Visitors Now & Forever - Part I, II, III & IV
* Science Rediscovering Electric & Magnetic Fields For Healing
& Health
* Cell Phone Technology Killing Songbirds, Too
* Great Secrets Of The 20th Century
* Russian Military Taking Over - Perilous Days For US Ahead
* Aerial Mind Control Technology Used On Americans?
* Five New Planets Founds Which Could Support Life
Read the entire text of these stories and more at
http://www.sightings.com
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They said the earth was flat.
Now they say it's solid. How come? They know better...
Hollow Planets: http://www.immunotex.com/books/agharta/
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* THIS WEEK'S GUESTS *
12-12 Thru 12-18
(Please note Jeff's Guest schedule can change due to late
breaking stories, etc)
SUN 12-12
Nancy Talbott: Science And Crop Circles
MON 12-13
Anna Hayes: The Guardian Teachings
Charles Phillips: Y2K - The View From DC
TUE 12-14
From Australia: Dianne Harrison: Oz UFO Report
From London: Uri Geller
WED 12-15
Ed Pankau: Hide Your Assets And Disappear!
THU 12-16
Geri Guidetti: Y2K - 22 Shopping Days Left
Roy Butler: Solar Power Options
Scott Sperry: Emergency Food
FRI 12-17
Brad Steiger: Paranormal Holidays
Live Real Audio Broadcasts & Archives: http://www.sightings.com
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Hidden Prophecies for the New Millennium
By Merlynn Starr
A book that ties together prophecies of the age from the Bible,
Indians, New Age Movement, the Ancients and others!
http://www.immunotex.com/books/hiddenprophecies/
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Program Transcripts at
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Program Audio Tapes
888 456-4340
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http://www.sightings.com
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Sightings.com info/email center
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Jeff Rense Y2K RESOURCE CENTER
http://www.sightings.com/y2kresource/y2k1r.html
Discussion Forum
http://www3.bravenet.com/forum/show.asp?userid=hj135985
Free Greeting Cards featuring the artwork of James Neff:
http://www.immunotex.com/rense/cards/cards.html
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Jeff Rense Weekly E-News is independently produced by ImmunoTex
in cooperation with Jeff Rense. The material and views expressed
herein do not necessarily reflect those of Jeff Rense,
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except for the *From Jeff's Desk* segment.
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