-Caveat Lector-
These are some of the best I've seen so far.
Thanks,
Hilary
----------
> From: Taylor, John (JH) <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
> To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Subject: [CTRL] what to say at job interviews
> Date: Wednesday, December 15, 1999 5:51 AM
>
> -Caveat Lector-
>
> >
> > >THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED
> > >IN FORTUNE MAGAZINE:
> > >
> > >01. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
> > >02. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
> > >03 "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
> > >04. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
> > >05. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
> > >06. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
> > >07. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
> > >08. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
> > >09. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
> > >10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
> > >11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
> > >12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
> > >commitments."
> > >13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
> > >14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to
> respond
> > >to my resume on my office voice mail."
> > >15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
> > >absolutely nothing."
> > >16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in
> > >meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
> > >
> > >17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
> > >18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
> > >19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
> > >20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
> store."
> > >21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I"ve
> never
> > >quit a job."
> > >22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
> > >23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to
> > >work by 8:45 am every morning.
> > >I couldn't work under those conditions."
> > >24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
> > >employers."
> > >25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
> > >26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
> > >
> > >THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
> > >
> > >01. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has
> > >started to dig."
> > >02 "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
> curiosity."
> > >03. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
> > >04. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
> > >definitely won't be."
> > >05. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat
> in
> > a
> > >trap."
> > >06. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
> > >whichever foot was previously in there."
> > >07. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
> > >08. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
> > >09. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
> achieve
> > >them."
> > >10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
> > >11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
better."
> > >
> > >THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR O.E.R.s
> > >(OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS):
> > >
> > >01. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
> > >02. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
> > >03. A room temperature IQ.
> > >04. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
> > >together.
> > >05. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
> > >06. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
> > >07. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in
> > >December.
> > >08. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
> > >09. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
> > >10. Fell out of the family tree.
> > >11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
> > >12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
> > >13. He's so dense, light bends around him.
> > >14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
> > >15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
> > >16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
> > >17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
> > >18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
> > >19. One neuron short of a synapse.
> > >20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
> > >21. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
> > >22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
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