Capitol Hill Blue-June 7, 2000
I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT MAN
By Ann Coulter
I wish I had the sex life that Talk/Miramax Books author John
Connolly fantasizes for me.
In the Clinton-era version of the Pentagon Papers case, cyberstud
Matt Drudge has obtained a draft manuscript of Connolly's book on
the sex lives of Clinton's critics. Miramax has evidently been
funding Connolly's flights around the country, his stays at fancy
hotels, and his hiring of at least one private investigator --
all to investigate the sex lives of various random individuals
whose only common trait is that we probably didn't vote for
Clinton.
On the basis of the excerpts about me, I'd just like to say I'm
looking forward to owning Miramax if it ever publishes any of
this. Among other things, Connolly accuses me of having trysts
with "playboy" Geraldo Rivera at his "oceanfront retreat in New
Jersey." ("Oh Geraldo," I moaned, "there is no protective
function privilege!")
But the thing is, Geraldo is not like Clinton. From what I've
heard of Geraldo's printed oeuvre, he brags about what Clinton
lies about. Connolly inexplicably fails to account for the
absence of published reports about my sexual tryst with Geraldo
within 48 hours of its occurrence. (The sad truth is, my affair
with Geraldo at his "oceanfront retreat" was compromised by the
presence of my brother, Mrs. Rivera and several other guests.)
Everyone in Connolly's book who is not accused of having an
affair with Geraldo is said to be gay, from Ken Starr to Justice
Kennedy, Starr's staffers, various of the elves, and random
Republicans having nothing to do with impeachment. (Who would
have guessed that my association with Geraldo would end up saving
my reputation?) In the Clintonian world, if no one's accused you
of rape lately, you must be gay.
Connolly's theory apparently is that Starr hired several of
Kennedy's clerks, and what the hell would a prosecutor want with
a bunch of former Supreme Court clerks -- unless (!) there was
some sick sexual game afoot ... QED.
Indeed, sex is Connolly's theory for all human interactions.
After going on in unseemly detail about what in delicate society
would be called my "figure," Connolly segues to my sexual tryst
with Geraldo by stating "this fact has not been lost on TV
personality and all-around playboy Geraldo Rivera." So basically
anyone who has ever been alone with my breasts is either having
sex with me or is gay. Starr hires Kennedy's clerks because
they're gay. (I wonder what Connolly thinks Clinton got Buddy
for?)
You have to say, Clinton has given the right wing a reputation
for having extremely active sex lives. First Henry Hyde then Newt
Gingrich, and now it turns out the rest of us are all gay (or are
having an affair with Geraldo Rivera). On the basis of Connolly's
book, conservatives should claim to represent the gay movement
and start issuing a whole new set of demands.
The current position of Talk/Miramax Books is that this
manuscript is a purloined draft of Connolly's book, not in final
form. (Talk/Miramax is also threatening to sue the masterful
Drudge -- but see the Pentagon Papers.) I'm afraid, however, that
once they take out the libel and laughably false stories,
Connolly doesn't have enough left over even for a short pamphlet
-- and a pamphlet written by an illiterate moron at that. In his
typically incomprehensible prose, Connolly calls me a
"self-appointed political analyst." Do they give "political
analyst" degrees somewhere I'm unaware of?
Even within the construct of his own lunatic fantasies, Connolly
can't get his story straight. In one paragraph, he claims that I,
along with Linda Tripp lawyer Jim Moody, wildly made duplicate
copies of her tapes one night while having cocktails (and
presumably sex with Geraldo Rivera). But then in the very next
paragraph he describes how Moody later had to retrieve a tape
from Starr's prosecutors (evidently on a break from their
incessant sodomic practices) to play it for a Newsweek reporter.
I hate to break the flow right when I'm enjoying such a rich and
exciting social life, but if we had this cache of duplicate Tripp
tapes, then why did Moody need to get a tape back from Starr's
office? (And perhaps more urgently: Why didn't I air-drop those
duplicate tapes across America immediately -- as I can assure you
I would have.)
Connolly may be the only man in America who doesn't know what
really happened that night, which has been faithfully reported
in, among other places, the Starr report, Michael Isikoff's book
and various newspapers and magazines.
Michel Montaigne said, "He who has not a good memory should never
take upon him the trade of lying." Connolly can't even remember
what he wrote in the last sentence. You know -- the part just
after I was moaning something about the inviolability of immunity
agreements.
COPYRIGHT 2000 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
Published on June 7, 2000
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Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, YHVH, TZEVAOT
FROM THE DESK OF: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
*Mike Spitzer* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
~~~~~~~~ <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends
Shalom, A Salaam Aleikum, and to all, A Good Day.
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