[I am not claiming that all these struck me as funny....in fact,
of those I even understood, well....lemme just say that I didn't
find myself lol:( I *am* currious as to whether any of you found
them laughable, tho. And, thanks in advance for your honest
replies. --MS]
From:
CommentMax
This Just In: Back On Line
Norman Liebmann
June 13, 2000
NOTE TO READERS: THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN LANGUAGE OFFENSIVE TO
SOME, FUNNY TO OTHERS AND JUST PLAIN TRUTHFUL TO YET MORE.
DECIDE FOR YOURSELF.
Time again for a series of intrusions of the predigested pap
called mainstream journalism, or to paraphrase the slogan of the
bloated with self-appreciation New York Times - all the news
that's fit to slant:
THIS JUST IN: According to a recent survey conducted among
international diplomats, the hardest part of being a delegate to
the United Nations is trying to look civilized.
THIS JUST IN: It's reported gun control freak Rosie O'Donnell
hired an armed bodyguard to protect her family. As with Rosie,
herself, the bodyguard's fingers are so pudgy a seamstress had to
be called in to let out the inseam on the trigger guard.
THIS JUST IN: Al Gore is promising to increase health benefits
for the mentally ill. This is unlikely to gain him any votes, as
the major part of his constituency is already composed of people
who play with their lips and are forbidden to handle pointy
objects.
THIS JUST IN: The Army Corps of Engineers has been asked to
reroute all the rivers in Vermont so that they flow both ways.
The theory is, even the guppies deserve an opportunity to choose
an alternative lifestyle. >From a Montpelier newspaper called the
Homosexual Times comes this chilling thought: The gay community
projects within three years Vermont will no longer be a state -
but a Broadway musical. Isn't that precious?
THIS JUST IN: The One Hundred Year Citation for Demonstrating
Racial Understanding has been awarded to the Caucasian man who
first stepped off the boat in Africa and said, "I don't like the
sound of those drums."
THIS JUST IN: During her stint with Jenny Craig, Monica Lewinsky
was interviewed by a group of lady journalists. The most
pertinent question asked her was, "Now that you are no longer
involved with Bill Clinton, where are you getting your protein
from?"
THIS JUST IN: A professor of linguistics reports there is no
translation in the Nigerian language for the English phrase:
"Have you thought about doing something with your hair?"
THIS JUST IN: The Pentagon is assigning two women to duty aboard
a U.S. submarine despite the fact that these undersea craft has a
crew of a hundred and fifty men and only two toilets. The Navy
contends it will not be a problem as long as the women continue
the tradition of going to the powder room in pairs. In any case,
it is expected to be the definitive test of the ol' Navy
expression - "Two 'heads' are better than one."
THIS JUST IN: In an attempt to influence the Arkansas Bar
Association that he is fit to retain his license to practice law,
Bill Clinton laid a memorial wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown
Shyster.
THIS JUST IN: To avoid racial boycotts, the legislature of South
Carolina is taking down the Confederate flag from its capitol
dome and will replace it with a basketball (long may it dribble.)
THIS JUST IN: Wimp Secretary of Defense William Cohen ordered the
Pentagon brass not to initiate any military actions on a Tuesday,
because that's the day his mother takes him to get his haircut.
THIS JUST IN: Jesse Jackson is re-formulating his conditions for
reparations for slavery. So far he is demanding each descendant
of a slave will receive forty acres, a mule, and a Platinum Visa
card.
THIS JUST IN: Plumbers of Hispanic descent are showing a new
awareness of political correctness. Their union is prepared to
file suit against any person who refers to a Mexican faucet as a
"spigot."
THIS JUST IN: Jimmy Carter is trying to convince his wife,
Roslyn, both ends of her birth canal should be placed under the
control of The People's Republic of China.
THIS JUST IN: In rewriting history, some civil rights leaders are
insisting school children be taught the Good Ship Lollypop was
used to transport slaves. Apparently, they missed the movie.
THIS JUST IN: The real purpose of this latest Presidential trip
to Europe was to stop at Yalta so Bill Clinton could add his
signature to FDR's sellout of the nations of eastern Europe to
Joseph Stalin. (Incidentally, Russian President Vladimir Putin
has ordered high- ranking members of his staff to submit
estimates on how long it will take Russia to replace Clinton in
the White House with a new American traitor.)
THIS JUST IN: Congressman Barney Frank claims he does not have a
cranky disposition. He's just not himself until he has that
first cup of estrogen in the morning.
THIS JUST IN: An Ivy League Professor has formulated a new course
called Affirmative Action Physics. Asked to explain Einstein's
Time/Space Continuum, minority students will be allowed to submit
"It's a black thing" as an acceptable answer.
THIS JUST IN: The Smith and Wesson Company has been nominated for
listing in The Guinness Book of Corporate Poltroonery for laying
down its millions of guns without firing a shot.
THIS JUST IN: A travel magazine is preparing an article entitled,
"If Bill Clinton is the President, This Must Be Ethiopia."
THIS JUST IN: There is no law prohibiting someone from marrying a
pig as long as the pig is not a first cousin. The Arkansas
Legislature has examined the law and ruled it as "locally
unenforceable." Interestingly, geneticists have confirmed any two
people selected at random in Arkansas will produce a DNA match.
THIS JUST IN: The global economy rolls on. It's rumored
billionaire builder Donald Trump is trying to convince the French
government the Eiffel Tower would look nifty covered with
aluminum siding.
THIS JUST IN: A weapons company has invented a "smart gun" with a
special Maxine Waters safety lock. A computer chip prevents the
gun from being fired "accidentally," except by a member of a
minority while "knocking over" a 7-Eleven store.
THIS JUST IN: Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders has been
distributing pamphlets on masturbation. People are refusing to
take them from her hand so she slips them under the door.
Decontamination squads in moon suits have been following her
through neighborhoods asking homeowners if they want their front
door scrubbed down, sandblasted, or taken off its hinges and
burned.
THIS JUST IN: A group of undersexed lesbians (sometimes called
"The Stepford Feminists") are trying to find a way to excite
their laggard libidos. As yet no cure has been found to
alleviate their frigidity, but a gynecologist believes the
problem could be overcome using a set of battery-driven ice
tongs.
THIS JUST IN: A world famous designer of mature women's clothes
says the fashion world is indebted to Hillary Clinton for having
anatomically narrowed the disparity between legs and kegs.
THIS JUST IN: Rumor has it Judy Woodruff will not have her face
lifted, but is considering having the wires in her neck
re-strung.
THIS JUST IN: Janet Reno, America's Prevaricator General, now
claims the shaking of her hands was not caused by Parkinson's
Disease. She was merely trying to scramble an egg and the egg
scrambled back. (In her usual "blotto" state, instead of a
deodorant Reno accidentally sprayed herself with a can of Mace.
Her armpits surrendered and are on their way back to Cuba.)
THIS JUST IN: Historians predict the best chance for civilization
to remain viable is to give Arkansas a statewide vasectomy.
THIS JUST IN: A psychologist claims Secretary of State Madeleine
Albright's peculiar smile is the result of a stubborn refusal to
give in to chronic diarrhea.
And along similar scatological lines:
THIS JUST IN: A prominent gastroenterologist claims Bill Clinton
never needs to move his bowels - since he is his bowels.
Norman Liebmann is a former television writer [Johnny Carson,
Dean Martin; wrote and produced "Chico and the Man" and created
the characters for "The Munsters" (who are all named after his
relatives)] and a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist.
Please visit his website Firehat, a treasure trove of Clinton and
Media bashing.
=================================================================
Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, YHVH, TZEVAOT
FROM THE DESK OF: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
*Mike Spitzer* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
~~~~~~~~ <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends
Shalom, A Salaam Aleikum, and to all, A Good Day.
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