Washington Times-June 30, 2000
It's a coincidence
Raoul Felder and Jackie Mason
When we used to go down to the neighborhood delicatessen and
Sophie, the waitress (who just happened to also be Irving the
owner's girlfriend) brought the check, there was usually a
mistake in the bill. After we pointed out the error, the bill was
corrected. Once, when we were able to speak to Irving alone and
he didn't have his hands on a pastrami or Sophie, we asked him
about the constant errors in our bill. He told us, "the problem
is arithmetic." Pressing the issue, we asked him why it was that
the mistake is never in our favor, why was it always in his?
Waiving a piece of stuffed derma at us he said it was just "a
coincidence." This experience forever shattered our faith in
"coincidences."
Deborah VanAmerongen, HUD's director of multifamily housing
for New York, must have eaten a lot of Irving's pastrami. In May
of 1999 Rick Lazio was just another congressman representing a
suburb of New York City. Mr. Lazio put in a good word for a local
concern with HUD which, as far as we know, is what congressmen
are expected to do. Nevertheless, Ms. VanAmerongen subsequently
sought an investigation of Mr. Lazio because of his efforts. But
it just so happens that Mr. Lazio is now not just another
suburban congressman. He is now a candidate for the U.S. Senate
running against Hillary Clinton. If this is not enough of a
coincidence, it turns out that Ms. VanAmerongen worked 11 years
for the Democrats in the state assembly. All of these
coincidences are enough to make Sophie think her talents are
being wasted in the delicatessen.
If you are a threat to the Clintons you can expect
coincidences to come flying at you, coincidences that Sophie
could never have begun to imagine � and you have to have a pretty
good imagination if you share knishes in the moonlight with
Irving after the delicatessen closes.
Rudy Giuliani decided to run for the Senate and,
coincidentally he was assaulted by the EPA, HUD, the Civil Rights
Commission and the Justice Department. The Civil Rights
Commission was so eager to slam Mr. Giuliani's police department
that one of its own members (a Republican) could only obtain a
copy of the report by proceeding under the Freedom of Information
Act. The media however, had no such problem since they were
subjected to a steady stream of "leaked" information.
The same day that the Independent Counsel issued his report,
basically indicating that Hillary committed perjury when
questioned about Travelgate, by coincidence, the public was
informed, via media leaks, that the SEC has been investigating a
1997 stock deal in which Mr. Lazio made a $13,500 profit on a
$2,300 investment. What they should have investigated was the
fact that Mr. Lazio was a lousy businessman. Hillary, acting on
the advice of one of her husband's major contributors, was able
to turn a $1,000 investment into $160,000. Even the mafia can't
give you a profit like that.
All of these things made Sophie, as she relaxed, indulging
herself over some chopped liver after a tousle in the kitchen
with Irving, feel that she was wasting her time over her
coincidences on the bills. There is, she mused, much more money
in coincidences if you have less scruples than you find in
neighborhood delicatessens.
Raoul Felder is an attorney and Jackie Mason is a comedian.
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FROM THE DESK OF: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
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~~~~~~~~ <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
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Shalom, A Salaam Aleikum, and to all, A Good Day.
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