---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 00:51:52 -0500
From: Bruce B. <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
PRESS RELEASE
A Publication of the Patrick Henry Center
July 30, 2000
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
To fully appreciate Robert W. Ray's Filegate findings, and to
understand why the accusers are really the guilty parties in
Filegate, the following word substitutions can be most helpful:
Instead of Corrupt Clinton Administration, substitute "Mafia
Gang."
Instead of President and First Lady, substitute "Mafia Gang
Leaders." Instead of Clinton White House political employees,
substitute "Mafia Gang Members."
Instead of FBI Files, substitute "Cash." To determine the total
amount of stolen "cash," assign a value of $100 to every item of
important information contained in an average FBI background
investigation. Each FBI file contains an average of 100
important items, and there were 900 confidential FBI files
discovered hidden in the wrong hands during the Filegate probe:
900100X100 = $9,000,000.
Instead of FBI, substitute "Federal Reserve Bank," or "bank,"
thus FBI officials become "bank officials."
Are we ready? Here we go!
----------------------------------------
Washington, DC: Independent Counsel Robert W. Ray says there
was no evidence to show that Mafia gang members illegally schemed
to obtain or misuse 9 million dollars missing from the Federal
Reserve Bank and discovered hidden in the Mafia's hideout,
according to a report released yesterday.
The report, completed in March and made public by a federal
appeals court panel, said the independent counsel's office had
concluded its "Cashgate" probe and that no prosecution was
warranted.
Mr. Ray is quoted as saying, "There is no substantial and
credible evidence that any Mafia gang leaders were involved in
stealing or spending the millions in cash discovered hidden away
in their Mafia headquarters."
The recently released report also said that there was no evidence
that the Mafia gang's High Consigliere lied to authorities when
he claimed that he didn't know how the Mafia "soldiers" who had
wrongly obtained the 9 million dollars had held such powerful
positions at Mafia Headquarters.
The Mafia soldiers occupied highly sensitive slots usually
reserved for trusted members. Most amazing of all, the High
Consigliere didn't know who "made" the gang members. This is
most mysterious, since the Mafia is usually noted for its extreme
internal security and its unusual membership requirements.
It's a well-known fact that only the most loyal and trusted can
get top slots in the Mafia, unless they're good on their knees -
[note to typist - make that "feet"]
In fact, the Mafia leaders - a ruthless husband and wife team -
normally interview each new gang member, but in this case both
claim they have never even heard of these highly placed
"soldiers," the name used for the members who produce income for
the gang.
Because the Mafia soldiers were in such powerful positions, the
Federal Reserve Bank officials meekly complied with the Mafia
soldier's demands especially when the first cash demands
contained the signature of the High Consigliere himself!
Bank officials have testified that they thought the Mafia was
simply asking for their own cash back.
The cash was first sent in small envelopes, but when demands
increased, cash had to be sent over in cardboard boxes. Over the
course of several months, bank officials sent over more than 9
million dollars of somebody else's money to Mafia gang
headquarters.
Worse, bank officers claim they didn't even know the cash was
missing, and they failed to check the Mafia's account balance to
see if such large sums were actually available for withdrawal.
Documents obtained by IC Ray show that the Chairman of the
Federal Reserve Bank was very friendly with one of the Mafia
soldiers responsible for obtaining the cash. The bank chairman's
family was given personal tours of the Mafia hideout by the
mystery soldiers, and warm notes were exchanged between them,
each using the others first names.
Mafia gang members have testified that they knew they were
obtaining cash that did not belong to them, but they continued
demanding more and more cash anyway, and never told the bank
officials of their wrongful and easy access to somebody else's
money. Of course they did not return the cash; they hid the
cash, then they denied having it.
In fact, the Mafia soldiers eventually obtained so much cash,
they had to move it to another, larger location because they were
running out of room! The 9 million dollars in cash lay hidden
for years in a dark, locked room until authorities received
information of its existence from witnesses.
However, those same witnesses are now deemed "not credible"
according to Mr. Ray's report, even though the cash was finally
discovered located in the Mafia's basement.
The mysterious Mafia soldiers have testified that it was just a
big mistake. Previously they had testified under oath that there
were no false requests, and they didn't possess, nor did they
ever spend or hide 9 million dollars of somebody else's money.
Mr. Ray was able to reach his final conclusions thanks to a
little known but very scientific method of weighing evidence.
Mr. Ray stated, "As everyone knows, there is fingerprint evidence
which is good, and there is DNA evidence, which is better, and of
course we have the eyewitnesses. But with regard to
eyewitnesses, there is always the important weight of "LS," and
once that's in the mix, it must be given serious consideration.
When pressed for details about this little known measure of
credibility, Mr. Ray, (who admits he has "LS") explained that
regardless of the existence of all other known evidences -
including eyewitness statements and reports from trained federal
law enforcement officers - if the accused is in possession of
"LS," then all other forms of evidence are downgraded, or
dismissed altogether.
Mr. Ray defined "LS" to be evidence of "law school" attendance.
Ray advised that there could be greater or lesser "LS,"
depending. For example, Ivy League LS has been identified as a
more powerful sub-set. Thus, "YLS" or Yale, and "GLS," or
Georgetown, are good examples of powerful credibility
enhancement.
According to Ray, an average person can easily be identified as a
liar, but with a lawyer it's much harder to tell, unless its
lawyer vs. non-lawyer. In that event - and especially if lawyers
are the ones who are deciding - the benefit of the doubt must
always go to the lawyer.
Ray admitted that usually only lawyers can see this special kind
of qualification, but sometimes others are aware of its existence
- for example federal law enforcement officers.
Federal agents without "LS," whose credibility has been
undermined during important proceedings such as trials, have
learned that lawyers - including most judges who are lawyers -
inevitably deem them to be "less than."
Evidence of this can be seen when a prosecutor walks into a
courtroom, and the federal agent walks behind him, carrying the
prosecutor's briefcase, or purse.
This lower station in life has also been called "LS challenged,"
and the group - a majority - almost always includes law
enforcement officers, the defendants, and most of the jury
members.
As he explained, the "LS" factor enabled Mr. Ray to sum up his
report as follows, "When we examined the cash, we found no Mafia
gang leader's fingerprints on it, nor did we find any of the gang
leader's DNA, so we should have been able to close the case."
"But, our problem was the 9 million dollars of somebody else's
money found in the Mafia hideout. That's usually the kind of big
clue that indicates crimes may have been committed. Also, there
were all those persistent eyewitnesses who testified the Mafia
leaders knew all about it. The witnesses said they had
importance evidence that the Mafia gang leaders and the High
Consigliere himself hired the "made" members, the soldiers who
really stole the cash. This was really a problem!"
"Some have even testified that the Mafia leaders actually spent
some of the cash, and encouraged the thieves to steal more and
more! Nevertheless, we had to take the position that it's unfair
to have a bias against the Mafia when lawyers are the leaders,
even if it has been proven over and over again that they lie and
lie about their many outrageous and well known crimes."
"Still, there were the - let's be honest here - annoying
eyewitnesses claiming to have good evidence that the Mafia
soldiers had done this kind of thing before, for other Mafia
leaders.
Then there's Larry Klaman on my back! Geeze!
I mean, what is a poor, on the rise, simple lawyer like me
supposed to do? Who am I supposed to believe? The Mafia, or the
FBI? In other words, how can I dump this loser, career crushing
case quickly?"
Ray stated that because of the conflicting testimony, he finally
had to use "LS" to make his determination. He ordered tests and
found high levels of "LS" present in the Mafia gang Leaders, and
their High Consigliere.
"In fact the two Mafia gang leaders and their High Consiglere
tested positive for "YLS," one of the most powerful known forms
of this substance," Ray disclosed.
Ray's report goes on, "By contrast most other witnesses including
the two senior FBI undercover agents who worked daily inside the
Mafia hideout, were deemed to be "not credible," because when
tested for "YLS" and ordinary "LS," their tests came back
negative.
Besides, there is no way they will ever be able to offer me a
job, so who cares if they're mad at me?"
Mr. Ray's report concluded, "Everyone must understand that when
we learned of the Mafia's positive "LS" test results, the
accusers' testimony was eventually viewed in its proper light -
as seriously flawed - and the accused' denials were given proper
weight, which is to say, a lot!"
"We have sent Mafia headquarters an official letter of apology
and an engraved plaque, pointing out their outstanding
cooperation with this unfortunate investigation."
"Further, the IRS has been sent the names and addresses of the
accusers and eye-witnesses," said Mr. Ray, who hopes that in the
future others will not be so free to accuse "the powerful" of
wrongdoing - especially when the "LS" factor is so obviously
present.
My apologies to Washington Times reporter Jerry Seper, whose
article on Ray's Filegate conclusions inspired this spoof. I do
not apologize to Mr. Ray's office of "Independent" counsel, whose
poor performance indicates that they wouldn't find a crime inside
the Clinton White House, even if Janet Reno herself brought it to
their attention.
-----------------------------------------------------------
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