The Scoop - http://www.bobharris.com/ Hi guys -- I didn't see any way to shoehorn this in, so here's something I've been meaning to mention: "Steal This Movie," the upcoming biopic of Abbie Hoffman, RULES. Go see it. Bring a friend. It'll remind you that unjust power can be fought, that the fight can be fun, and that everybody really can fight the good fight. bh THE SCOOP for August 1, 2000 ___________________________ Blow In Here Until Firm GOP Convention Notes #3 � 2000 Bob Harris http://www.bobharris.com mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] * * = italics GOP Convention notes from Monday, as the convention finally is officially underway: Virtually every seat in the First Union Arena tonight was graced by a present for the delegates: a set of inflatable "Republican National Convention 2000" balloons. The balloons are two feet long and about four inches wide, proportioned like enormous phalluses. The sexual implications of the balloons are unmistakable. The directions, I swear to you, read as follows: BLOW IN HERE UNTIL FIRM To make noise, bang together, lengthwise. Yes, indeedy. ___________________________ During my morning show, a tall guy in a crisp suit leans in and asks, I quote: "Do you want Kit Bond?" Translation: I am being offered access to Christopher S. "Kit" Bond, the GOP's senior Senator from Missouri. I have this access because I am sitting at a microphone on Radio Row, which exists primarily A) so a long parade of fat, sexless, 40ish men in white shirts and careful hairdos can spend three hours each day blaming other people for their lack of life satisfaction, all in one place, and B) so the GOP can maximize time management whenever they want to trot out guys in suits to spout about how George W. Bush is an inspired leader of men. I receive this access as follows: roughly once an hour, some guy walks up unannounced and simply asks, not unlike a waiter taking orders, "would you like Kay Bailey Hutchinson?" Sure. I'll also have the chopped salad with ranch dressing on the side. And what beers do you have on tap? After 36 years of little or no direct personal interaction with elected representatives, this is nothing short of bizarre. Tomorrow I'm interviewing Governor Paul Cellucci of Massachusetts, which just reformed its campaign finance system. I'm also interviewing Glen Good, a leading Log Cabin Republican, and trying to swing a chat with Ann Stone, leader of Republicans for Choice. This amazes me. With a lot of legwork from my wonderful producers, and within limits, we can actually pick and choose who we want to talk with. ___________________________ Within limits. Newt Gingrich, for whom I will shortly purchase a Waterford crystal beer stein as a wedding present, wandered through Radio Row near the end of my show. I wanted to ask Newt if he truly thought George W. Bush is smarter and a better leader than he is. The conflict between party loyalty and personal ego would have been fun to hear. (Incidentally, several alert readers have informed me that Michael Moore, whom I adore, has suggested some alternative wedding gifts for Newt at http://www.newtloot.com.) The creature was feeding on tall grass and easy fruits, however, and had its fill before reaching my snare. Newt did three or four short interviews and then went the other way before I could get off the air and corner him with a portable mic. We'll keep our hunting blind set up, however, and if the creature returns, I promise we'll try to bag and band him before releasing him back into the wild. ___________________________ Overheard among two local TV reporters with perfect hair: "Y'know, you don't hear much about Nebraska." "Nope." "I don't even know what's out there." "A lot of corn, I guess." "Yeah Them and the Dakotas. Y'know, North Dakota, South Dakota..." "Got a bunch of beef up there." "And buffalo." "Ever try buffalo?" "You mean like, meat?" "Yeah, it's pretty good." "Nope. I went to Buffalo once." Long pause follows. ___________________________ I arrive at the convention every morning from my hotel in Valley Forge (where one local restaurant's mural of Washington's famous winter camp makes it seem that the principle concern of revolutionaries was horseback riding while rakishly quaffing beer) via the GOP Express system of private buses, which are expedited through traffic by police. It's actually amazingly easy to get a ride; the buses have been assembled and dispatched with Pentagon levels of overkill, so much so that on several trips, I've been the only passenger aboard a bus designed for hundreds. In fact, during today's low-traffic afternoon, dispatchers were distressed to realize that many of their buses were completing their loops of distant hotels and returning to the First Union Arena (often called the F.U. Arena) completely riderless. In the interest of efficiency, then, the edict came down: all drivers with empty buses were to continue to circle the suburban hotels until they had at least one rider. This sounds like it makes sense, but think about it: this policy positively would have ensured that once the hotels were empty, every single bus would continue to circle the empty hotels, leaving the crowded conventioneers completely stranded. It took the dispatchers about twenty minutes to realize the total chaos they were about to wreak. ___________________________ Today's GOP theme: "Opportunity With A Purpose." As my friend Janet pointed out: um, what other kind of opportunity is there? I mean, isn't an opportunity with no purpose whatsoever merely a completely random act? Apparently the GOP has it in for the Dadaists. This is not a pipe. ___________________________ After the opening remarks, no fewer than twenty-two GOP candidates for Congress were given a few minutes of stage time. Twenty-one were new candidates running for open seats or against Democratic incumbents. The twenty-second was Jim Rogan, whose swing district just outside L.A. is still ticked off bigtime over his strident approach to the whole Lewinsky thing. Rogan's status is now down to the level of people who've never even been elected. Which mean's he's toast. You often learn more from the schedule of speakers than what's actually being said. ___________________________ The star-studded lineup of celebrity GOP endorsers proudly includes: Bo Derek, famous 20 years ago for resembling a Barbie doll; Lee Greenwood, famous 10 years ago for his love ballad to George Bush Sr.'s war in Iraq; and The Rock,, a pro wrestler famous right now for pretending to beat the holy snot out of people. Renewing America's Purpose indeed. ___________________________ Prime Time. The networks aren't bothering. Lucky for you. The live show is supremely uninspired but well-dressed, rather like a dinner theatre show financed by Rupert Murdoch. Which, come to think of it, this is. In over an hour inside the convention itself, during prime time, here's what I witnessed: An historic Fife and Drum Corps presentation, symbolizing the fight for freedom, whose members I later get to speak with and who are forbidden contractually from discussing their personal political views. A brief talk on the dangers of diabetes, given at a convention which provides an endless free supply of TastyKakes. A presentation on math and science initiatives, whose introduction is accompanied by the music heard when Sam Cooke sang "Don't Know Much About History." A brief appearance from country star Hank Williams, Jr., whose career in beer commercials was unimpeded by his own father's death from alcoholism, and who now greets ABC viewers each week by happily shrieking "Are you ready for some football!" Hank, Jr. wanders out, screams "Are you ready for the best Republican National Convention ever!?" and walks away. The crowd cheers, anticipating a song or two. Nothing happens. A band no one has ever heard of comes out to play a pop song which has nothing to do with politics. They exhort the crowd to clap and cheer. The crowd ignores them. The lead singer concludes with "All right Republicans! Good luck with your convention!" and leaves. Nothing happens again. Roadies clear the stage. All of them are wearing business suits. This is, after all, a Republican gathering. It has now been more than an hour, and an amateur hour at that. I'm waiting for a stage hypnotist to appear, or maybe a speed chess demonstration, or possibly some knife juggling by girls in shiny bikinis. Maybe Sy Sperling of the Hair Club for Men will emerge, endorse George W. Bush, and then show us how we can again have real human hair. In a nation facing economic inequities, millions of people without health care, profound educational difficulties, staggering environmental problems, and a military currently threatening to reignite the nuclear arms race, not a single substantive issue has been addressed, nor has so much as a single legitimate political figure so much as graced the stage. And the GOP wonders why no one is watching. ___________________________ A new Reuters poll actually shows Bush's lead over Gore dwindling, a singular event when conventions customarily provide each party's candidate a temporary bounce often reaching double digits. No one here seems to want to talk about that. ___________________________ On the convention floor, the red-white-and-blue-clad faithful pass the time amusing themselves with their inflatable phalluses. I have videotape of GOP behavior on this convention floor I should charge you $15.95 to see. As always, the networks are silent on the issues of grave public importance. ___________________________ The 81-page GOP Platform was released this morning. You get the flavor just from counting the word usage in the 770-word Preamble: 25 Our, ours, ourselves 23 We 12 America, American, Americans 11 Party 10 Anew, new, renew, renewal, renewing 8 Commit, commits, recommit 6 Platform 6 Purpose 6 Republican 5 Country 5 Nation, national, nation's 4 Belief, believe 4 Clear 4 Leader, leadership 4 Together 4 Vision, visionary 3 Agenda 3 Bold 3 Challenges 3 Citizen, citizens 3 Common 3 Faith, faithful 3 Freedom 3 Government 3 Ideas 3 Opportunity 3 People 3 Principles 3 Prosperity 3 Reforms 3 Strength, strengthen, strengthening 3 Words 2 Chance 2 Dignity 2 Election 2 Future 2 Goals 2 Good 2 Growth 2 Progress 2 Public 2 Results 2 Sustain 2 Values This buzzwords-in-a-blender compositional style -- in which more than 25% of the *entire text* comes directly from the list above, before adding subtle nuances like articles, adverbs, meaning, and linear thought -- leads to some remarkable formulations, such as: "... Americans all across this country who believe in prosperity with a purpose -- who believe in Renewing America's Purpose" "... returning to a foreign policy of strength and purpose and a renewed commitment to our allies" "We recommit ourselves to the values that strengthen our culture and sustain our nation..." "The Republican Party offers American a chance to begin anew: to give purpose to our plenty" and so on. All of which says nothing, and quite thoroughly. I'm confused, exactly, as to what purposeless prosperity looks like -- other than George W. Bush's early years, perhaps. And I've never purposed my plenty. I suppose I'm willing to learn. I think that's what I saw some of the Republicans doing with balloons tonight. ___________________________ It doesn't take much to realize that the GOP platform is predicated on rubbish. From the fourth paragraph: "Since the election of 1860, the Republican Party has had a special calling -- to advance the founding purposes of freedom and limited government..." Really? The election of 1860 brought to power Abraham Lincoln, who -- in the process of fighting a Civil War against States' Rights activists, many of whose ideological descendants are now running the GOP (witness the open association between several GOP leaders and neo-Confederate activists, the South Carolina flag controversy, etc.) -- *expanded* the powers of the federal government in unprecedented fashion. Indeed, the 2000 GOP platform's preamble displays a remarkable ignorance of this obvious contradiction: "We are the party that ended slavery, granted homesteads, built land grant colleges..." *all of which* were massive government programs. Oh hell, never mind. I'll finish with the platform tomorrow. I have to be up in an hour. I'm going to bed. ___________________________ ___________________________ Bob Harris is a political humorist whose morning radio show can be heard online from 8-11 am EST at http://www.radioforchange.com. To receive a free email subscription to The Scoop, just send a blank email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] ___________________________ Bob�s Big Plug-O-Rama� (updated 7/29/00): *Steal This Book And Get Life Without Parole* was recently nominated for a Firecracker Alternative Book Award as one of the five best political books of the year. Also, the American Booksellers Association recently made *Steal This Book And Get Life Without Parole* a Recommended choice. The book can be ordered directly from http://www.commoncouragepress.com/steal.html at 25% off retail. You can read some ridiculously kind reviews at http://www.bobharris.com/book.htm. The morning show on www.RadioForChange.com airs from 8-11 each morning. Recent interviewees include Ralph Nader, Winona LaDuke, Doris "Granny D" Haddock, Cong. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), Katha Pollitt, Earl Ofari Hutchinson, Ken Silverstein, Arianna Huffington, Kate Clinton, and Howard Zinn. The show is a total blast. The Hollywood Reporter has recently dubbed yours truly as an heir to the radio legacies of Howard Stern, Dr. Laura, and Rush Limbaugh. (They apparently meant it as a compliment.) Check out http://www.radioforchange.com from 8-11 am Eastern, 5-8 am Pacific. The pilot of "Twisted," my new online game show, is almost finished. Wirebreak.com is producing it in Flash animation, and you'll probably be able to see a short preview on their site. We're in negotiation with other websites and even some TV people about producing a series. More soon... Syndication of "This Is Bob Harris," the daily 60-second radio commentary, is rolling along. Call your favorite station and ask for the feature. They pay attention, honest. The one-minute commentaries are now also rebroadcast four times daily to over 140 countries by Armed Forces Radio. You can also hear an audio version of my commentaries online at Soapbox, which is at http://www.webactive.com/webactive/soapbox/monday.html. Http://www.bobharris.com is still in mid-update. The redesign of the main page and template for the others is complete; the rest of the pages will be updated in the next few weeks. Maybe. According to the domain names in the subscriber list, the email version of this column now has subscribers in 49 countries. Welcome to our one reader in Croatia! ______________________________________________________________________ To unsubscribe, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] Start Your Own FREE Email List at http://www.listbot.com/links/joinlb
