-Caveat Lector-
This was sent to Eagle 1's list. I'm surprised it hasn't been posted
here yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning,
> Congress
> unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of
> America.
>
> The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the
> state's
> voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential
> election.
>
> "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
> Gonzales, now this."
>
> Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time
> in
> coming. "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative
> Barney
> Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now."
> Added
> Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done
> lately? Oh
> that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
>
> In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy
> commented
> that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up
> billions
> of dollars in social security funds."These are valuable funds which
> can now
> be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our
> demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring
> applause.
>
> >From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator
> Hilary
> Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol
> Hill,
> calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban
> immigrants." "Learn @*&%$!# English already, you banana boat bums,"
> Clinton
> added.
>
> As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a
> new
> election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in
> each state
> will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human
> vote-counting
> system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis
> Hastert.
> "The presence of these new, superior robot mast-err, I mean-
> tabulators will
> ensure 100% accuracy." "Remember," said Hastert, "every
> vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."
>
> Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the
> state will
> be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After
> that,
> they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
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