-Caveat Lector-
by L. Fitzgerald
Sj�berg
As most of you are aware, congress has recently passed as law
to allow copyright to be applied to individual works of fire, both
in
terms of actual fires and in terms of manufactured oxidation
potential like matches and lighters.
I, for one, am glad to see justice finally served. I mean, think
about it. You go through all the work to create a fire, and
someone comes up to your fire and pokes a stick in it. They can
then walk away, having stolen your fire, and use it for anything.
Say they use it to light the ore smelter at a metals processing
plant. They'd be making millions off of your fire without having to
give you a DIME! Unauthorized fire transfer is exactly like walking
into the original firestarter's home, stealing their VCR, TV, and
all
their tapes of "Earth 2," then sexually violating their household
pets on the way out. It's exactly the same, and should be
prosecuted as such.
There are a few drawbacks, of course. To begin with, you can't
buy matches anymore; you'll license them. And of course most
licenses will forbid you to give anyone else a light without first
extinguishing anything you lit with the same book of matches.
But isn't that worth it to protect the rights of the original
firemakers?
Well, the employers of the original firemakers, actually. Most
ignition is done on a "Fire for Hire" basis, meaning that the
company that comissioned the firemaker gets the copyright. But
still.
Now, the real problem is that of enforcement. Given all the fire
out there, it's going to be nearly impossible for holders of fire
copyright to track down the billions of dollars worth of pirated
fire
stolen every year. Lots of companies are working on developing
fire that will only work with their proprietary ignition materials,
but
you and I both know that those ruthless fire pirates will find a
way around any protections. Already they're starting to whine
about how "conflagration wants to be free." Godless socialists.
The only answer, of course, is the force of law. That's why I
encourage you all to write to your representatives, encouraging
them to pass strict legislation outlawing the possession of any
unlicensed flammable materials. The only way to stop the immoral
hordes of fire pirates is to keep the tools of their brutal trade --
paper, wood, charcoal briquettes -- out of their hands. Only then
can we insure a warm and well-lit future.
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