-Caveat Lector-
To: Governor Bush and Vice President Gore
We, the undersigned, respectfully submit the following
request to the consideration of Al Gore, Vice
President of the United States, and George W. Bush,
Governor of Texas:
As you may know, many Americans regarded our recent
Presidential election as a choice of the lesser evil.
When it came time to decide which of you we hated the
least, we the people were hopelessly deadlocked.
Frankly, you both give us the creeps.
At this point, it is clear that if Mr. Bush wins the
recount, the Democrats will file lawsuits for every
idiot voter in Florida, and we will hear endless
griping about butterfly ballots and hanging chads. If
Mr. Gore wins, the Republicans who tried to steal the
last election with a fellatio-centric impeachment will
no doubt engage in a similar abuse of the legal
system.
Either way, the wrangling will drag on for years.
Whoever wins will be regarded as a cheater; whoever
loses will be seen as a whiner. There is only
one way to end the squabbling. We propose a duel to
the death-on the open areas outside U.S.territorial
limits (or in Texas), in front of an international
team of observers and a worldwide television audience.
Many great American statesmen, including Andrew
Jackson and Henry Clay, engaged in duels. As one of
you may know, the most famous duel in American
history was between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.
After a humiliating defeat for the Presidency
(involving a tied vote in the Electoral College
and 35 successive tied votes in the House), Burr found
revenge on the dueling field.
Candidates, we implore you: be like those guys.
Settle your differences between yourselves, as men.
Think of the satisfaction of doing by bullet what you
were unable to do by ballot.
Governor Bush, you were young when you decided not to
risk your life for your country; now you have a rare
second chance. We cannot imagine a more graphic
demonstration of your steadfast support for capital
punishment. Furthermore, there's nothing like a quick
shoot-out to put an end to all this unnecessary "vote
counting" and procedural folderol.
Vice President Gore, this is your chance to
demonstrate your superior gun control. With a single,
well-aimed shot from a legally registered handgun,
you can teach Governor Bush a lesson about the
environment by making him part of it. Exercise your
freedom of choice by aborting the Governor's
presidential aspirations, not to mention his life.
Gentlemen, it is time to settle this thing once and
for all. We appreciate that you are willing to lie,
cheat or steal to win this election, but that is not
enough. You must be willing to make the ultimate
sacrifice, for the good of the nation.
P.S. If it should happen that both of you are
mortally wounded in this contest, we trust that our
great Republic shall find some way to endure the loss.
Sincerely,
The American Public
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