-Caveat Lector-
The Discarded Supreme Court Decision Unveiled
By Joel Achenbach
Staff Writer
The Washington Post
Wednesday, December 13, 2000
The following is a draft of the Supreme Court decision in Bush v.
Gore, discovered in a dumpster on Capitol Hill:
Per Curiam
In keeping with the Court's ambition to provide an unambiguous
and unanimous decision in Bush v. Gore, and thereby legitimate
the outcome of the 2000 presidential election, we present herein
a majority opinion signed by Justices Rehnquist, Scalia, Thomas,
O'Connor and Kennedy, with a partial dissent to the majority by
Justices Rehnquist, Scalia and Thomas, a full dissent by Justices
Stevens, Souter, Breyer, and Ginsburg, a partial dissent to the
full dissent by Justices Breyer and Souter, a needling,
invective-filled dissent to the partial dissent to the majority
opinion from Scalia, a spitwad [attached] from Justice Stevens
and a chunk of hair [attached] ripped from the head of Justice
O'Connor by Justice Ginsburg during final deliberations. The
Court will note that it did manage on Tuesday afternoon to
assemble a respectable 6-3 majority in favor of the Chinese
take-out.
This Court acknowledges that, under the Constitution, a
presidential election is truly a series of state elections, all
procedures of which are presumed governed by state legislators
and judges. We hereby void that presumption in states whose
configuration can be described as "peninsular."
This ruling, though admittedly unusual, is grounded in our belief
that Florida is a rogue state whose judicial apparatus is
facially null per 3 USC Section 5 Chapter 11 Verse 21 Footnote 8.
None of the justices in the majority have actually read that
clause recently but we vaguely recall it from law school.
The accounting of an election must submit to the conjoined
priorities of accuracy and finality. Obviously this election will
achieve neither. No one will ever know the "real" vote, and this
will continue to be a subject of fierce argument even as the Sun
begins to cool and gradually expand and turn into what
astronomers refer to as a Red Giant. We encourage the public to
avoid conspiracy theories, and hereby reject the suggestion in
the Gore brief that, if you examine the Zapruder film closely, it
appears that James A. Baker is the "umbrella man."
Deadlines in elections must be respected. There is clearly not
enough time to complete the recount of ballots in Florida, expose
that recount to legal challenge and judicial review, and remain
faithful to the Dec. 12 "Safe Harbor" provision under which
electors cannot be challenged in Congress. In retrospect it might
be argued that this Court did not speed up the process by halting
the vote count on Saturday: Castigating public officials for
taking too long in a process that we have stopped altogether is
something this Court finds amusing.
Moreover, this Court is extremely concerned that the Florida
election has resulted in violence to the Equal Protection Clause
- specifically, the recount is unfair to those voters whose
unfair advantage had already been in place before the election.
We stipulate that, speaking very generally, affluent citizens in
precincts using optical-scanning equipment enjoy a significant
advantage over the votes of poor and minority citizens in
precincts using antiquated punch-card balloting. On the other
hand, the Framers didn't think that blacks and women and poor
people should be allowed to vote, period. Let's keep this in
perspective.
We confess that it requires a certain intellectual finesse to
declare that the real victims in the Florida recount were the
Bush voters, but we will remind the public that we have lifetime
appointments and cannot be fired. At times, we feel like gods.
Chief Justice Rehnquist can report with authority that there is
no greater pleasure in life than killing ants in one's kitchen
with a Supreme Court gavel.
Inevitably, this ruling will be criticized as "political."
Cynics, unfamiliar with the historic independence of the nation's
highest court, will point out that the majority is comprised
entirely of justices appointed by Republican presidents, and that
two of the justices in the majority were explicitly criticized
during the campaign by the vice president. This ruling, however,
is not the slightest bit political. It's personal.
Several of us on this court are desperate to retire. We don't
want some liberal Democrat to appoint our successor. If Bush
becomes president, for example, Justice O'Connor can step down
and spend the spring playing tennis in Scottsdale. She is reputed
to be unforgiving and obstinate in her line calls. Justice
Rehnquist will also retire, and Justice Scalia will be appointed
the Chief Justice, from which perch he can reign terror upon the
sodomites and connivers and mushy-brained liberals who have
brought this once-great nation to the edge of ruin.
Let us finally address the defendant directly. Mr. Vice
President, we have you surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
You will not be harmed. You still have a great future ahead of
you. Think of your family.
It is so ordered.
(Rough Draft appears periodically at washingtonpost.com but, as
we speak, is preparing its concession speech.)
� 2000 The Washington Post
=================================================================
Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, YHVH, TZEVAOT
FROM THE DESK OF:
*Michael Spitzer* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends
=================================================================
<A HREF="http://www.ctrl.org/">www.ctrl.org</A>
DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER
==========
CTRL is a discussion & informational exchange list. Proselytizing propagandic
screeds are unwelcomed. Substance�not soap-boxing�please! These are
sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory'�with its many half-truths, mis-
directions and outright frauds�is used politically by different groups with
major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought.
That being said, CTRLgives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and
always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no
credence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply.
Let us please be civil and as always, Caveat Lector.
========================================================================
Archives Available at:
http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html
<A HREF="http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html">Archives of
[EMAIL PROTECTED]</A>
http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/
<A HREF="http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/">ctrl</A>
========================================================================
To subscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email:
SUBSCRIBE CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To UNsubscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email:
SIGNOFF CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Om
