-Caveat Lector-
From: "Students for an Undemocratic Society"
<[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Sent: January 10, 2001
Subject: Join Students for an Undemocratic Society!
WHO ARE STUDENTS FOR AN UNDEMOCRATIC SOCIETY?
We are the children of the political, military, and business elites of
America. We have worked for years to undermine democracy worldwide, and
seek to celebrate the fact that-with the installation of presidents Cheney
and Bush-even the pretense of American democracy has at last been cast
aside. We march in support of the property-owning, white heterosexual male
who rules by violence.
THE SUDS STATEMENT:
Feel free to use, abuse, or alter:
KNEEL BEFORE BUSH! KNEEL BEFORE CHENEY!
Mobutu. Suharto. Fujimori.
For decades, the United States has propped up tin-plated despots not only in
Zaire, Indonesia, and Peru, but all over the world. Yet we are the largest
imperial power on earth. Shouldn't we have a strongman of our very own?
PRESIDENT BUSH? TRY, "EMPEROR BUSH!"
It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? We all know that America has never
really been a true democracy. But in this election, when we bought Dick and
George to the tune of $191,617,196 (and, just to hedge our bets, Gore for
$132,624,544); disenfranchised black voters in Florida (and all over the
country!); and, finally, had a corrupt, nepotistic right-wing Supreme Court
install our boys, in the tradition of such great decisions as Dred Scott and
Plessy v. Ferguson: well, we did away with even the pretense of American
democracy. And for that we're proud.
WHOSE STREETS? NOT YOURS!
Let's face it-our idiot boy-king and his retainer are in charge now whether
you like it or not. And you had better like it if you don't want to end up
in a Mississippi work camp after the 2003 purges! Here's a simple guide
that will help you stop thinking and relinquish control to us, your rightful
masters.
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS-KNOW YOUR PLACE!
Give up that pesky identity and join us! It feels good to sublimate your
individuality to the machine. Feeling a little "warm in the pants" for
someone of the same gender, or of a different race? Or someone you're not
married to? Or yourself? In fact, are you feeling "warm in the pants" at
all? Take a cold shower, hoss. Once Attorney General Ashcroft (soon to be
"Minister of Death Ashcroft") is sworn in, sex is for procreation only.
Under penalty of castration!
Feeling "strange," or "angry?" Like you might need to "express yourself"
through artwork, or even worse, by speaking or assembling freely? Or maybe
you've got a gripe against your boss, your landlord, your bank? Well, shut
up and get back to work. "What about the first amendment?," you ask. Shut
up and get back to work, we say again, more loudly, this time brandishing
our horsewhip.
Maybe you were born "different." Maybe you're strange-looking, or unable to
walk, or have "non-white" skin. Well, we property-owning heterosexual white
Christian males know that's not your fault. Stay out of trouble, keep your
head down, and do everything we say, and maybe we'll find a nice job for
you. Just like Clarence Thomas!
MORE PRISONS-MORE PROFIT!
We SUDS are proud of the fact that, with 690 prisoners for every 100,000
people, the US is the world leader in rates of incarceration! That's a
six-fold increase since 1970! One in three black males between the ages of
20-29 are under some type of correctional control (1 in 15 white and 1 in 8
Hispanic). And with Presidents Cheney and Bush in office-George presided
over a whopping 152 executions in the state of Texas!-it's only going to get
better (for us. For you, it's going to get worse). And with Minister of
Death Ashcroft, who has praised Confederate slave-holders, is cuddly with
Bob Jones University, and has called addicts seeking treatment "the lowest
and the least," we're looking at death-camp, USA! With our new "Vassalage
21" initiative, we're hoping to have 87% of the male population behind bars
by 2004. Think of the possibilities: no tipping, your waiter's on a
work-release program! Your caddy gives you sass? Give HIM a lethal
injection! Since 1995, the US has spent $5.1 Billion in new prison
construction alone! That translates into LOTS of cheap labor: future Health
& Human Services Secretary (soon to be "Minister of Pestilence") Tommy
Thompson passed a budget as Governor of Wisconsin allowing commercial
entities to use prison facilities and labor for manufacturing purposes, just
like they do in California, Tennessee, Kansas, Ohio, Oregon, Texas, Nevada,
and Iowa! The Correctional Industries Association estimates that in 2000,
30 percent of America's inmate population labored to create nearly $9
billion in sales for private business interests like McDonald's, Kmart, JC
Penney, Eddie Bauer, Honda, and TWA! And that lily-livered Clinton may have
made a whole bunch of offenses now punishable by death, but you ain't seen
nothin' yet! Coming soon: sodomy, dissent, and failure to kneel before the
Presidents-and you're drawn and quartered!
YOU SAY "SWEATSHOP" - WE SAY "SWELLFARE!"
With all those men locked up, that leaves a heck of a lot of women! And
while our "No Sex-No Way" initiative is sure to keep them from reproducing,
we'll still need to keep them busy. With the US' continued support of the
business-friendly, people-hostile World Trade Organization, we'll keep women
chained to sewing machines from China to Nicaragua-and with Labor Secretary
(soon to be "Minister of Slavery") Linda Chavez in place, we'll have the
same thing here! Once we're done eliminating the last vestiges of the
welfare state, those women across the country without education,
opportunity, or stable families will make for great cheap labor-and once
Minister Chavez gets her hands the minimum wage and the Occupational Safety
and Health Act, we'll have the people where we want them-in labor camps!
TREES: A THREAT TO AMERICAN PROSPERITY
For years, we've been hearing overpaid eggheads talk nonsense about
"ecosystems" and the "animal kingdom." Well, if they were so smart, they'd
be working for the Pentagon, wouldn't they? Sure, it would be nice if we
could all have lush, tree-lined estates. But you can't. So shut up and get
back to work. Under our new Secretary of the Interior ("Minister of
Pavement") Gale Norton, you can kiss Mother Nature goodbye! As Attorney
General of Colorado, she presided over that state's worst environmental
disaster ever: a spill of cyanide and acidic water from a the Summitville
Consolidated Mining Corporation that killed virtually every living thing in
a 17-mile stretch of the Alamosa River! Then she had taxpayers foot a
cleanup bill of $150 million! It may take decades before clean water runs
year-round through the Alamosa, but Minister Norton didn't even try to press
criminal charges! Because she believes in allowing the mining, timber and
oil industries to police themselves. That's right: harsh state repression
on individuals, but none on businesses. Always remember: people aren't
people. Corporations are people.
OBEY! LOVE AND HONOR ALL YOU WANT, BUT DEFINITELY OBEY.
People say that we're "sexist." Oh, how little they know, those
empty-headed females! In fact, we support 100% this statement from the
feminist icon Simone de Beauvior: "There are two kinds of people: human
beings and women." And we fully support a woman's right to choose not to
have sex (except in cases of rape, incest, or life of the mother).
EAT THE POOR!
Just kidding. They're probably too tough anyway. But we sure will bury
them! Here is our three-point solution for dealing with poverty:
Child hunger: according to the United Nations, an estimated 22.4 percent of
American children live below the poverty line. And almost half of them
(about 10 million families) didn't have enough to eat this year. "Wait,"
you say, "there's plenty of food to go around!" Well, first of all, shut up
and get back to work. Second of all, feeding hungry children just isn't in
the best interests of agribusiness. And third of all, screw them!
Suffering breeds character! As a solution for this problem, we've taken a
page from a fellow named Malthus: let's "thin the herd!"
Child immunization: We opt for the "free-market" solution! FINAL solution,
that is! The US Center for Disease Control estimates that only 37 to 56
percent of American two-year-olds are immunized. In some inner cities the
rate is as low as 10 percent. Calcutta, Lagos, and Mexico City all have
higher child immunization rates than Washington, DC, New York, or even the
U.S. as a whole. We say: even 10 percent is too much! By 2004, we hope to
have an immunization rate of one percent (our children)! Death is good for
the soul!
Homelessness: We've got homes lined up and waiting for them: the homes that
you "politically correct" types like to call "correctional facilities!"
BOMBS NOT FOOD
We won't lift a finger to help anybody, but we'll go out of our way to kill
them! You know why? Because we're evil, stupid! Now shut up and get back
to work. According to the Center for Defense Information, the $305 billion
U.S. military budget request for 2001 is more than five times larger than
that of Russia, the second largest spender! It's more than twenty-two times
as large as the combined spending of the seven "rogue states" (Cuba, Iran,
Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan and Syria)! It's more than the combined
spending of the next twelve nations! And as soon as we get going throwing
money at that "Star Wars" missile defense system that's politically popular
because it makes people less anxious about nuclear war but doesn't actually
work, we're going to roll out our newest, state-of-the-art
defense/entertainment programs:
"Aliens:" makes bug-like homunculi pop out of Fidel Castro's stomach!
"Battlefield Earth:" life-size lead John Travolta statues are dropped on
Sudanese children's hospitals!
"Night of the Living Dead:" those Republican rent-a-mob protestors from
Florida are sent to North Korea with Wayne Newton and a football-sized
tactical nuclear bomb!
Will these programs work? Who cares? They'll make us lots of money and
we'll get to blow stuff up and kill people!
IN CONCLUSION
Union members? People of color? Feminists? Homosexuals?
Environmentalists? Radicals?
DON'T LET THE SUN SET ON YOU HERE.
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