-Caveat Lector-
BUSH WON'T REGULATE CARBON DIOXIDE, BOWELS
By BEOWULF ROCHLEN
WASHINGTON D.C., March 14, 2001 - Turning his back on a campaign
pledge, President Bush informed Congress today that he had decided not
to regulate carbon dioxide emissions. In an accompanying statement,
Bush said he had also decided not to regulate the evacuation of his
bowels. The decisions, which came after intense lobbying from industry,
came as a blow to conservationists who hoped for strong government
guidelines that would curb such emissions.
"I believe in a comprehensive and balanced energy policy that takes
into account the importance of improving air quality and maintaining
basic human hygiene," said Bush in a letter to Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb.
"I do not believe, however, that the government should impose mandatory
emissions standards for carbon dioxide or my own fecal matter, neither
of which are 'pollutants' under the Clean Air Act."
The President noted that human waste serves numerous beneficial
functions. "Human detritus is useful as a fertilizer for crops and as a
possible alternative energy source," wrote Bush. "I see no reason why I
should regulate my emissions at the expense of farmers and consumers
across America."
EPA Director Christie Todd Whitman, who had indicated previously that
the administration was "strongly considering" the categorization of
carbon dioxide and presidential excrement as pollutants, today
questioned their role in damaging the environment. "I don't think
there's ever been any conclusive scientific evidence that carbon
dioxide or the president's waste matter is detrimental to the
environment."
Asked how the Bush administration might handle emissions if conclusive
evidence of environmental damage were established, Whitman responded,
"Depends."
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