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Body Piercing Teen Killed by Magnet
By: Don Steiner
LABIA FALLS, IL-Tragedy struck the small blue-collar town of Labia Falls,
Illinois, when Quentin Horowitz, 17, was killed in a freak accident involving a
large industrial magnet, which attracted his piercings with such force that
they tore free from his body, in several cases taking vital organs with them.
"He was a big dumbass," says Rachel Hale, a student at his high school.
"He was into the whole Goth thing and wanted everyone to call him 'Agony.'
Personally, I'm glad he's dead." The state coroner reports that Horowitz
was cutting through the town's junkyard when the crane magnet was
powered up, killing him. "We found lots of stuff on that magnet," he says.
"Heart, lungs, liver�but none of that stuff could possibly have left the kid's
body-except that he had them all pierced." The boy's death has affected
almost everyone involved. "I guess I should be upset or something," says
Joe Faraday, the magnetic crane operator responsible for Horowitz' death.
"But I'm not. Hell, anyone stupid to put over fourteen pounds of stainless
steel under his skin deserves to die." Faraday, who has operated the crane
for as long as he can remember, will not be charged with a crime. The
boy's mother, whose blood at the time of the interview contained eight
times the legal limit of alcohol, has arranged to have her son's body
weighted down and thrown in the local creek. "I ain't got money for a proper
funeral," she said this morning. "And if I did, you can bet I wouldn't waste it
on that no-good son of mine," she added before collapsing on the floor of
her trailer home, comatose from alcohol poisoning. The boy's deadbeat
father, living with a small entourage of cocktail waitresses in a seedy Las
Vegas apartment, could not be reached for comment.
Birthday Clown Killed Lighting Flatulence
By: Don Steiner
COITUS, NJ- Local part-time birthday party clown Joe Esterhas was killed
yesterday in front of a large crowd of first-grade students during a trick
which involved igniting his own fart. "It was horrible," said his assistant, Joe
Gareth, who asked not to be identified. "He was doing his Ass Buster
routine, and suddenly, BOOM-he's a seven-foot column of flame." After a
short outburst of tears, he added, "If you think about it-from an objective
point of view, you know-it was kind of funny." No students were injured in
the incident, although those who weren't laughing their asses off had to be
taken in for psychological examination.
Cupholder Manufacturer Under Fire From Congress
By: Justin Russo
WASHINGTON D.C.- Burnstone Cupholders Inc and Buick Inc. took a lot of
heat today for their manufacturing of faulty cupholders. The Senate cited
today that Burnstone knowingly manufactured under par cupholders, and
Buick knowingly placed them in there LeSabre cars (years 1992-2000)
which were the cause of many spillages in the past few months. "It's a
horrible thought to know that these people are selling cupholders that may
cause us to spill some Pepsi on our crotch," said Senator Straum
Thurmund. The first incident occurred early last Novembers when Janice
McMahon, of Rhode Island, was in her brand new used 95 Buick Lesabre
at the drive thru at her local Wendy's. "My kid and I ordered some fries and
two Biggie Dr. Peppers. [Upon receiving] our pops I went to place it in my
cupholder and the whole damn thing collapsed and got my son's pants all
wet." Janice filed a complaint at her Buick dealership, only to be sent a
letter in the mail with a fascimile coupon reading "ONE FREE 'WHO
GIVES A DAMN' , redeemable at my ass". Joseph McMahon, her son, had
this to say, "Ya know man, this is bullshit, I'ma 'bout ta step up on them
Buick muh's." The Rhode Island Buick Dealers Association declined
comment. The above incident was just the first of many, thus causing a
class action law suit brought against Burnstone and Buick. The person
seeking the most money from her damage is Lola Leira, of Illinois, who
ruined her Old Navy Techno Chino pants when she spilled a cup full of
blood on them. She seeks compensation in the amount of $26.95, for the
purchase of some new Techno Chino pants. Why she had a cup full of
blood in her car, is unknown. Burnstone itself has had to lay off workers due
to the overwhelming loss due to Buick pulling the cupholders from all of
their 2001 models. Elias Mann, a former janitor for Bridgestone Inc., had
this to say, "Bridgestone can suck it. I got kids to feed you pricks. I hope
someone is going to take a real nasty shit, and who's gonna clean it up?
Not me fuckers." Elias Mann was one of 3 people laid off due to Buicks
cancellations. The other two Kevin Faust (former janitor) and Ellen
Hennings(former receptionist), both claim to be retired Burnstone CEO,
Jimmy O'Falloshallahan testified saying , "Ay, who gives a crap? Just go
buy a new fucking cupholder, Jesus. They're like two cents at K-mart or
some shit." The Senate's Research Committee has yet to find the two cent
cupholder neither the K-Mart stores nor the Some Shit stores. The Buick
CEO has yet to testify, but is scheduled to next week.
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