-Caveat Lector-
From
}}}>Begin
Figures of Childish Imagination
Occupy High Positions in American Government
Bert's Collaboration With Osama Bin Laden
Shown to Be "Tip of the Iceberg."
UPYRS Wire
WASHINGTON, DC-The revelations of Sesame Street character Bert�s
partnership with
Osama bin Laden sent shockwaves through official Washington.
However, new
discoveries are now beginning to overshadow even that scandal.
UPYRS
investigators have found that cartoon and muppet infiltration
extends deeper
than anyone had previously suspected. Figures of childish
imagination now
occupy a surprising number of official positions, including one
who works as
a communications adviser for the American president.
"Mr. Pig has been a loyal employee and has always given the
president excellent advice," said Senior White House Counselor
Karen
Hughes. "Sure, Porky has his speech impediment, but he can turn
an
elegant phrase when the situation calls for it, and he�s great
with
closing lines. Our only mistake was allowing him to dictate the
final drafts
for President Bush�s speeches."
When asked how the president could allow an imaginary figure to help
craft policy, Ms Hughes defended the administration, "President Bush
has made it very clear that there will be no discrimination on his watch.
Almost everyone agrees that no matter what a person�s color, gender,
religion, or sexual orientation is they should not be denied an opportunity
to contribute. I don�t see why we should act any differently when it comes
to a person�s fictional status. Compassionate conservatism, if it is to
mean anything, cannot allow any undue realism to affect policy."
Cartoon policy makers have also been found in the center of some rather high level
disputes. The recent feud between the Defense and State Departments, it has been
learned, was really nothing more than a dispute between t
wo cartoon aides. Mr. Daffy Duck, who is an assistant to Paul Wolfowitz, the
Undersecretary of Defense, and Mr. Bugs Bunny, an assistant
to Colin Powell, the Secretary of State disagreed on whether US policy in
the Middle East should lean towards Israel or accommodate Arabic concerns.
"It�s Arafat season," screamed Mr. Duck at one meeting.
"No, it�s Sharon season," responded Mr. Bunny.
Reportedly, this exchange repeated itself for over an hour until,
finally, an agreement was reached when Mr. Bunny riposted, "Look,
Daffy, it�s Arafat season, and you know it."
"The heck you say, rabbit. It�s Sharon season, and I�m not
leaving here until you �fess up to it."
"Okay, Daffy, you win," Mr. Bunny relented. "Let me clear
it with Colin, and we�ll send the papers over to you."
Later Bugs Bunny claimed that there really was no division between the
two departments, or even between him and his colleague Daffy. Said the cartoon
hare, "No, no. We get along fine. Daffy�s a great guy. We
play golf on the weekends, you know. Actually, his joining Wolfowitz�s
team has been a blessing as he�s been able to act as something of a stable
element over there."
In this same interview, Bugs Bunny talked about other cartoon figures working in
Washington: "Sure, doc, there�s lots of us out there. Pepe
le Pew made some very significant contributions to our chemical warfare divisions.
OK, so he was fired because of sexual harassment issues, but that
cat had it coming to her. Who else? Oh, yeah, there�s also Wile E. Coyote.
He had a position in R&D. I hear he was working on a laser-guided anvil,
but the Pentagon had to let him go later because they found out he was
getting kickbacks from the boys at Acme."
Other government agencies beyond the State and Defense Departments have
been found using cartoon labor, too. In the newly organized Office of Homeland
Security, Linus from the Peanuts Gang was found distributing blankets. When
questioned, the Head of Homeland Security, former Governor
Tom Ridge, defended Linus� actions, saying, "C�mon, it�s a more effective form of
security than what we had in place beforehand."
At the Immigration and Naturalization Service, one Mr. Magoo was found processing
applicants for naturalization. Answered Agent Magoo when asked
about his qualifications: "Why, I can spot the best of�em, my boy. No
one gets past ol� Magoo without a thorough check. This is the INS, you know. Now,
if you�ll excuse me, that nice Middle Eastern fellow who was just in here dropped this
taped-up bundle of Linkin� Logs, and I�d like
to return it to him. Oh, my! What a pretty sparkler it has on the end!
Listen to it hiss.
"Oh my yes, that boy will make an excellent addition to our
country," continued Agent Magoo, who at this point was addressing his
hatrack. "Said he was going to Wall Street and wanted to make a
killing. I think he�s going to invest in Pork Bellies. He kept talking
about a company called -umm, oh yes!- �Infidel Swine� I think it was.
Yes, yes. Fine fellow."
The cartoon infiltration extends even into the Legislative branch. More
of the Peanuts Gang were discovered working on Capitol Hill. Records show that
Charlie Brown now works as the chief advisor to Senate Minority Leader
Trent Lott (R-MS) and Lucy is his counterpart in Senator Tom Daschle�s
(D-SD) office.
Sen. Lott gave a quick statement to the press on the subject: "I
have the greatest faith in Mr. Brown. I know, many of you think he blew it
with the whole Jeffords thing, but he was so sure that Lucy would keep her
word this time and not yank Jim away at the last moment. His bad I
suppose."
Senator Daschle was more defensive, as rumors have swirled around his office, many of
them alleging that he holds Lucy back because of her fictional status. The South
Dakota legislator heatedly denied charges that he was
a realist: "Everyone knows that I could never discriminate
against anyone, certainly not a cartoon. For crying out loud, I�m a
liberal. I don�t have a realistic bone in my body."
At the Supreme Court The Tasmanian Devil, called simply �Taz�, was
found clerking for Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Said Taz when explaining a
recent dissent she had written, "Ooooookkk! Aphhthhht! Errrrr, Her no
like. Rrrooowwwwlll!!!"
Veteran court observers were impressed, claiming Taz�s statement was one of the most
logically consistent that has ever emanated from Ginsberg�s
office.
It appears that lobbying organizations and civil rights groups are using cartoon and
muppet figures, too. For five years, Kermit the Frog has been on
the payroll of Jesse Jackson�s People United to Save Humanity, and he also
acts as an advisor to the NAACP. Said the reverend Jackson, "So I hired
a frog. Bush got himself a hog. Kermit is best qualified, to be at my side.
So stop being mean; it ain�t easy being green."
Oscar the Grouch was found working at the National Endowment for the Arts. Said the
Grouch, "Yeah, so I got a government job. What was I supposed to do? I tried to get a
job at Fox, but apparently Rupert Murdoch
doesn�t think I�m trashy enough for his precious little network."
Addressing the nation, President Bush asked the nation to show tolerance, emphasizing
that cartoons and muppets are only seeking an opportunity to share in the American
dream. Said the president, "All Americans know
that we cannot discriminate against people just because they�re
unrealistic. Heck, if we did that Washington would be a ghost town. So go on
about your business and don�t worry about what we�re doing here. We�re
in this war together, all of us, animated and organic. The last thing our
country needs at this time is to be divided by realistic
concerns, so it�s
best not to give voice to them and trust us, your government, to
fix the
problem. Th-th-th-that�s all folks."
DC
UPYRS
Wire
End<{{{
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forwarded as information only; no endorsement to be presumed
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. section 107, this material
is distributed without charge or profit to those who have
expressed a prior interest in receiving this type of information
for non-profit research and educational purposes only.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking
new landscapes but in having new eyes. -Marcel Proust
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe
simply because it has been handed down for many generations. Do not
believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do
not believe in anything simply because it is written in Holy Scriptures. Do not
believe in anything merely on the authority of Teachers, elders or wise men.
Believe only after careful observation and analysis, when you find that it
agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all.
Then accept it and live up to it."
The Buddha on Belief, from the Kalama Sutta
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
A merely fallen enemy may rise again, but the reconciled
one is truly vanquished. -Johann Christoph Schiller,
German Writer (1759-1805)
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that
prevents us from living freely and nobly. -Bertrand Russell
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
"Everyone has the right...to seek, receive and impart
information and ideas through any media and regardless
of frontiers."
Universal Declaration of Human Rights
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut."
--- Ernest Hemingway
<A HREF="http://www.ctrl.org/";>www.ctrl.org</A>
DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER
==========
CTRL is a discussion & informational exchange list. Proselytizing propagandic
screeds are unwelcomed. Substance�not soap-boxing�please! These are
sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory'�with its many half-truths, mis-
directions and outright frauds�is used politically by different groups with
major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought.
That being said, CTRLgives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and
always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no
credence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply.
Let us please be civil and as always, Caveat Lector.
========================================================================
Archives Available at:
http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html
<A HREF="http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html";>Archives of
[EMAIL PROTECTED]</A>
http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/
<A HREF="http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/";>ctrl</A>
========================================================================
To subscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email:
SUBSCRIBE CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To UNsubscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email:
SIGNOFF CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Om
