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From
http://www.thetexasmercury.com/articles/satire/UP20011111.html
}}}>Begin
Neo-Conservatives
Convert
En
Masse to Roman Paganism --"Veni,
Vidi, Scribi." Kristolius Declares. UPYRS
Wire
NEW
YORK, NY & WASHINGTON, DC� A new spiritual movement is sweeping
through the ranks of neo-conservatism: Roman paganism. This
religious exodus
began when the Weekly Standard Editor Bill Kristol, now called
"Billious
Kristolius", rejected his forefathers� Judaism so as to accept
the
religion of the Caesars. Many New York and Washington foreign
policy luminaries are now following his example. Said Kristollius,
who is now to be referred to as
"his Infinite Billiousness", "We here at the Standard believe in
empire. We believe in extending our vision to all the peoples of
the world whether they like it or not. As any fool can plainly see, and I
do, one cannot maintain this vision whilst claiming to be an ethical
monotheist. In that effort, we have not only set up for ourselves graven
images, we have set ourselves up as the graven images. For Glory and
for Beltway!" Now recruiting from around the Eastern seaboard,
his Infinite Billiousness claims to have enough followers to fill two
legions, which are to be led by his handpicked centurions, millenarians and
legates. When asked what he would do with such a force, Kristolius
responded, "For the sake of democracy, I will destroy all those voting
against my national greatness. Sundry enemies of The Republic are all around
and threaten the gates. The Buchananites, the libertarians, the religious
right (except Gary Bauer), the liberals, Colin Powell, the freemasons, the
State of South Carolina, Condoleeza Rice, the Bush family, and ABC, who most
unwisely cancelled my contract, depriving the nation its much needed Sunday
morning viewing of my divine visage." "Once this has been done, I will celebrate
with a great triumph through the city of Washington. I will sacrifice Old
Bulls along the way. Henry Hyde, Charlie Wrangel, and Dennis Hastert will
die upon an altar dedicated to my great twin gods of War: Arielus and
McCainides, who were both raised from birth by a She-Wolfowitz, who even now
feeds upon the living wages of Americans." But other plans could conflict with
Kristolius�.
Former New York Post Editor John Podhoretz, now called "Podpeii
the Great", expounded his own vision, "I will marshal my forces,
my participles, my dangling modifiers, my split infinitives, and go forth to
defeat all rivals and proclaim myself emperor. My rule upon the earth will
be a glorious reign lasting 1,000 years." "No!" interjected Bartimus Wongius, of
The
Texas Mercury. "10,000 years to the emperor!" "Until the end of history!" added
author Francimus Fukuyamus. Podpeii�s father has also joined the pagans.
Once known as Norman Podhoretz, Normankaten Podhotep favors a more pharaonic
form of idolatry. However, Podhotep still backs his son�s Latin ambitions,
declaring, "So let it be written in Commentary, so let it be
done." Michael Ledeen of the American Enterprise
Institute also came out, but he was sent home for being inappropriately
dressed. Apparently, his 16th-century Florentine get-up only
earned him scorn from all the other Roman pagans, who wouldn�t let him
play in any Roman pagan games. Then they made fun of poor Ledeen, yelling,
"Who do you think you are? Mikey-a-velli?" Dejected, Ledeen now stays in a villa
outside of
Washington, where he is reportedly working on a manual of leadership.
Sources say he does not regret his choice of attire. They told us Ledeen
claims that, "fitted out appropriately, I step inside the venerable
courts of the ancients (the real ones) and am solicitously received by them.
There I am unashamed to converse with them and to question them about the
motives for their actions, and they, out of their human kindness, answer
me." Sources would have told us more about Michael
Ledeen�s conversations with dead people, but they were too busy trying to
find him some professional help. Jonisius Goldbergula, formerly known as National
Review Online�s Jonah Goldberg, has become a high priest of the
movement. In his New York office he told UPYRS, "The Roman religion has
many benefits for young up and comers such as myself. Prognostication is no
longer a matter of playing at heavy thinking, but rather a matter of playing
with chicken entrails. Hold, and I will show you the pride of a master
prognosticator." Goldbergula then left his office and, after ten
minutes had passed, came back, dragging Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott
(R-MS) in behind him. "Not quite poultry," the young would-be
augur declared. "But he�s close enough to being a chicken for
government work." Unfortunately, the demonstration hit a snag when,
after cutting open Lott�s midsection, it was discovered that the Minority
Leader lacked any guts. "Should�ve seen that coming,"
Goldbergula confessed, and then continued, "No matter. We can still use
his liver. See, here it is. Its lily-shaped outline makes it easy to
spot." [We sincerely regret this pun�the editors] "Ah, yessss," began the augur,
as he
molded the liver into what appeared to be a simulcra of Monica Lewinsky,
pre-Weight Watchers. "It�s clear that the gods demand our oceanic
empire fight off the forces of East Asia. We can begin by landing in
Brazzaville and bringing civilization to the natives, and in this we will be
assisted by our brave Muslim allies from the Eurasian steppes, the ones who
helped us fight the Russians." With some embarrassment, the UPYRS correspondent
informed Goldbergula that the US is now at war with those Muslims. He
testily responded, "I know that. You must have misheard me. I said, �It�s
clear that the gods demand our oceanic empire fight off the Muslim forces of
Eurasia. We can begin by landing in Brazzaville and bringing civilization to the
natives, and in this we will be assisted by our brave East
Asian allies, the ones who helped us fight the Russians.�" Meanwhile, surrounding the
offices of the American
Prospect, two legions lay siege to the leftists therein. One legion,
named Republicae Novae, and led by General Laurentius Kaplanitus, was
massing a force of wild analogies, while the other, the Legion Journalus
Via Vallum, led by General Maximus Bootimus, loaded its verbal catapults
with striking similes. The two generals met and exchanged their
customary greeting of "Syndication and Honorariums." Then,
worriedly, Kaplanitus asked Bootimus if he should hold back his troops,
noting that "there might be a danger of mixing our metaphors." Nonchalantly,
Bootimus responded, "A certain
level of risk is� acceptable." Then mounting his steed, a rented
1997
Dodge Neon, Bootimus issued one last order, "At my signal�
unleash
prose!" The battle continues.
DC
UPYRS
Wire
End<{{{
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