-Caveat Lector-
From
http://www.thetexasmercury.com/articles/satire/UP20011118.html
}}}>Begin
Super-Lawyer
Alan Derschowitz
Builds
Private Torture Chamber
"As
a trial attorney, it's the next logical
thing
for me to do," Derschowitz Explains. UPYRS
Wire
CAMBRIDGE,
MA �He�s short, has a funny moustache, and speaks at length
about his
own ethnic group�s need for special protections and a homeland
with
adequate living space�he even wrote a book about it. He�s
Harvard Law
Professor Alan Derschowitz, and now he�s seeking to assist
America in her
war on terrorism. In this effort, Derschowitz has constructed a
unique
torture facility. Called
"Alschowitz" (a mixture of his first and last names), the building
is a special prison intended to help the government protect
Americans while still remaining within the bounds of the
Constitution. That is, the
Constitution as interpreted by Alan Derschowitz. The attorney
and TV
talkshow celebrity discussed the building�s purpose and uses at
its
ribbon-cutting ceremony. "This facility is dedicated to my vision
of
the American ideal," Derschowitz declared. "Because of the
threat
of terror, we need this kind of building to protect us from the pain
caused
by terrorism. Indeed, it is a basic civil right to have the
government
protect us from such pain. That protection can only be secured
by torture.
Torture is a Civil Right." In accord with this last statement,
Derschowitz
sported a black uniform embossed a logo across the upper
lefthand pocket
that read "Torture is a Civil Right." This logo also appeared on
the band of the peaked cap he was wearing. Everyone inside of the facility
also wore the same black uniform with cap. Said Derschowitz about these
people: "I have personally selected my employees for their physical and
mental abilities. That�s why I call this corps of workers the �Special
Service.� They are honored with a special uniform whose collar is
emblazoned with a silver monogram of their corps� name." Derschowitz allowed that
others might disagree
with his views on torture, and of these he commented respectfully,
"They�re nothing but than anti-Semites and sexual McCarthyites hiding
behind the Constitution. Our Founding Fathers must be rolling over in their
graves knowing such people are using their words to prevent our government
from providing security. However, I am generous, and I am willing to discuss
the issue with them in a proper forum. In fact, I invite them here, to
Alschowitz, where they can be my guests. I promise, they'll receive special
treatment." Derschowitz then escorted the press and others
throughout the building where they met Alschowitz�s personnel and saw some
of the equipment used by them. Passing one room, the group heard horrid screams,
punctuated by an occasional, "OK, I�ll talk! I�ll talk! I say
whatever you want! Just stop, bismullah! Stop! Stop! Stop!" The
voice was ragged and had a Middle Eastern accent. Going inside, the group saw a
man of Arabic
appearance pacing inside a barred cell, holding his head with both hands in
evident pain, screaming horridly as a uniformed woman read Maya Angleou�s
poems out loud. "I see that we are finally making progress
with Ahmed, our Algerian friend here," said Derschowitz, rubbing his
hands in glee. When asked why he had agreed to tell all about
his comrades, "Ahmed" would only say between sobs, "If you
were me, you, too, would know why it is the caged Berber sings." The tour group
then entered another room down the
hall. In there, lay another Middle Eastern man, strapped to a gurney and
screaming. In between breaths, the group could hear snippets of Barbara
Streisand�s "The Way We Were." Looking at the stereo, Derschowitz noted,
"Hmm, volume�s set on �nine� and he still hasn�t broken." Then, turning to the
screaming man, he said
loudly, "I suggest you make things easier on yourself Mousa. You really
don�t want me to go get the soundtrack for Yentl, do you? Oh, maybe
you can tough that one out, Mousa, but that just means I have to go get The
Mirror Has Two Faces." The man expression became even more horrified,
but still he shook his head and continued screaming, obviously refusing to
yield. Derschowitz shrugged and said as the group left the room, "Mousa�s
a stubborn one, but he�ll break soon enough. No one�s managed to make it
all the way through Mirror." In the next room, the group found Lawrence Tribe
and David Boies beating a Caucasian man with lead pipes. They stopped, and
then Tribe moved to the man�s head and began speaking softly, "We
know you want to go home, Winston. All you have to do is agree that
B-U-C-H-A-N-A-N spells �Gore.� That isn�t too hard now; is it?
Dispense with your antiquated ideas of objective reality and submit to the
Party�s directives. The DNC is only here to help you, Winston. Now, please
tell us how to spell �Gore.�" "G-O-Arrrr�" the man tried to answer,
but he was interrupted as Tribe and Boise resumed their beatings. Some in the
group objected to the violence Tribe
and Boies used on the man, but Derschowitz waved these concerns away,
"That�s nothing. You want violence? You should see them when they go
to work on the text of the law." Going down the hall, the group passed a door
marked �101.� One curious reporter asked what was inside, but
Derschowitz frowned, and answered cryptically, "You know what�s in
there. You have always known." Then the door suddenly opened, revealing Senator
Hillary Clinton in a bathrobe. Behind her sat her husband, former President
Bill Clinton. He was screaming, "Oh, God! Put out my eyes! Put out my
eyes! I�d have never run for president if I had known this was the price!
I�ll support you in 2004; I�ll speak for you; I�ll raise funds for
you; I�ll sell Chelsea to Albanian pimps�that�ll get us a fiver at
least! Anything, anything, just keep your clothes on, woman." Somewhat red in
cheek, Derschowitz defensively
blurted, "What? Oh, yeah, like you didn�t see that coming." The group concluded
its tour in the back where a
man dressed in a course, linen shirt was tied to a stake above a pile of
kindling, which, even as Derschowitz spoke, was being doused in gasoline.
Said Derschowitz, "Mr. Lyman here decided he had problems with the DNC�s
platform. We have persuaded him otherwise, but, all the same, we want to
ensure the purity of others� faith, so we must make an example of him to
others. He thought he could get out; he was under the illusion that
with us works makes you free, but I corrected him. We're Democrats;
what do we want with work?" Derschowitz then concluded the tour, saying of
his facility: "It serves the public good. You see, here at
Alschowitz we don't want anyone to get wise ideas about being
too free with
their freedom. What kind of a country would we have then?"
DC
UPYRS
Wire
End<{{{
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