-Caveat Lector-
George Carlin on American Foreign Policy
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ROCKETS AND PENISES IN THE PERSIAN GULF
History Lesson
I'd like to talk a little about the "war" in the Persian Gulf. Biiiiig doin's in
the Persian Gulf. You know my favorite part of that war? It was the first war we
had that was on every channel plus cable. And, the war got good ratings too,
didn't it? Got good ratings! Well, we like war!
We like war, we're a war-like people! We like war because we're good at it! You
know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country's only
200 years old and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every
twenty years in this country, so we're good at it! And it's a good thing we
are, we're not very good at anything else anymore! Hah? Can't make a decent car,
can't make a TV set or a VCR worth a fuck ... got no steel industry left, can't
educate our young people ... can't get health care to our old people ... but we
can bomb the shit out of your country
alright!
Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh, we like that, don't we,
that's our hobby? That's our new job in the world: bombing brown people! Iraq,
Panama, Grenada, Libya - you got some brown people in your country - tell 'em to
watch the fuck out ... or we'll goddamn bomb them!
But when's the last white people you can remember that we bombed, can you
remember -- can you remember ANY white people we've ever bombed? The Germans!
They were the only ones, and that's only because they were trying to cut in on
our action! They wanted to dominate the world - bullshit, that's our fuckin'
job!
Now we only bomb brown people. Not because they're trying to cut in on our
action, just because they're *brown*!
Now you've probably noticed I don't feel about that "war," the way we were told
we were supposed to feel about that war ... the way we were ordered and
instructed to feel by the United States Government to feel about that war ...
you see, I tell ya ... my mind doesn't work that way ... I got this real moron
thing I do - it's called, "thinking," - and I'm not a very good American because
I like to form my own opinions. I don't just "roll over" when I'm told to.
Sad to say most Americans just "roll over" [tchock] on command. Not me - I have
certain rules I live by.
My first rule:
I don't believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Zero. Nope.
And I don't take very seriously the media or the press in this country, who, in
the case of the Persian Gulf War were nothing more than unpaid employees of the
Department of Defense, and who, most of the time functioned as sort of an
unofficial public relations company for the United States Government.
So, I don't listen to them, I don't *really* believe in my country, and I gotta
tell ya folks, I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American
flags. I consider them to be symbols, and I leave symbols to the symbol-minded.
Me? I look at war a little bit differently. To me war is a lot of prick waving,
ok? Simple thing, that's all it is, war is a whole lot of men standing out in a
field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of
their dicks, so they have to kill one another over the idea.
That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That's what all that
adolescent macho male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all
about - it's called, "dick fear!" Men are terrified that their pricks are
inadequate, and so they have to compete with one another to feel better about
themselves, and, since war is the ultimate competition, basically men are
killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem.
You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the "Bigger
Dick Foreign Policy" theory at work. It sounds like this:
"What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!"
And, of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like
dicks. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's
affairs. It's called, "FUCKING WITH PEOPLE!"
So ...
As far as I'm concerned that whole thing in the Persian Gulf was nothing more
than a biiiiig prick-waving dick fight. In this particular case Saddam Hussein
had questioned the size of George Bush's dick. And George Bush had been called a
wimp for so long ('wimp' rhymes with 'limp'), that he has to act out his manhood
fantasies by sending other people's children to die.
Even the name, "Bush," is related to the genitals without *being* the genitals.
A "bush" is sort of a passive, secondary sex characteristic. Now, if this man's
name had been George "Boner" ... well, he might have felt a little bit better
about himself and we wouldn't have had any trouble over there in the first
place!
This whole country has a manhood problem, biiig manhood problem in the USA, you
can tell from the language we use, language always gives you away. What did we
do wrong in Vietnam? We "pulled out." Eh, not a very "manly" thing to do, is it?
When you're fucking people, you've got to stay in there and fuck them good! Fuck
'em all the way! Fuck 'em 'til the end! Fuck 'em to death! Stay in there and
keep fucking them until they're all dead!"
We left a few women and children alive in Vietnam, and we haven't felt good
about ourselves since. That's why in the Persian Gulf George Bush had to say,
"this will not be another Vietnam." He actually used these words: "This time
we're going all the way." Imagine a American President using the sexual slang of
a thirteen-year-old to describe his foreign policy.
If you want to know what happened in the Persian Gulf, just remember the names
of the two men who were running that war - Dick Cheney and Colin Powell -
somebody got fucked in the ass!
- jt
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