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Mr. Bizarro, Airline Insecurity, and You by Al Martin You may have heard about the story of Mr. Bizarro and his Unhappy (Bladder) Adventures on the way to the Olympics. The newly created Office of the Federal Sky Marshal Service, which is now a division of the Office of Homeland Security, has instituted new security rules regarding airline flights in and out of Salt Lake City. One of these security procedures is that, on any flight going to Salt Lake City or leaving Salt Lake City, you cannot use the toilet within 30 minutes of leaving or landing. � � � As it turns out, poor Citizen Bizarro, who was flying on a regularly scheduled United Airlines commercial flight, broke the rules. He tried to pee within the 30-minute exclusionary limit, so he is now being charged with a felony. "Peeing without authorization" is now a felonious offense. When the poor fellow stood up to go to the restroom, the six undercover Federal Sky Marshals who were in the aircraft, immediately stood up, took out their guns and pointed them at him. They held up their badges, declaring themselves to be Federal Sky Marshals. Mr. Bizarro pleaded with them that he had to go. His pleas went unheeded, whereupon he was physically manhandled and pushed down in his seat with his seat belt forcibly strapped around him. � � � The chief of the six-man Sky Marshal contingent then went to the front of the coach class cabin and addressed the sixty odd people in that section. He told them he was a Federal Sky Marshal and started waving his badge around, and reminded everyone of the 30-minute exclusionary rule and then said, "In the name of the Security of the State, you shall now buckle yourselves in and then clasp your hands behind your head for the rest of the flight." � � � Every single passenger was ordered to fasten his or her seat belt. There were several complaints from passengers, who felt they were being mistreated. These were American citizens. These were not dark-skinned people with beards and turbans. These were blonde-haired blue-eyed American citizens, who complained about the way they were being treated. Then the head of the Federal Sky Marshals said that all those who refuse to obey their orders would face arrest upon landing. Those who physically resisted the orders of the Federal Sky Marshals WOULD BE SHOT. � � � (As a safety feature, US Sky Marshals are being taught the proper use of firearms to prevent decompression; to wit, you put the pistol next to the person's head with a downward trajectory and then there's no chance of the bullet exiting the cabin.) � � � During the incident, there were several complaints from elderly citizens who found it difficult to keep their hands clasped behind their heads and who said that, due to age, they did not have control of their bladders that they once had and therefore had to go. The chief Federal Sky Marshal then said, "There are no exceptions. The infirm, the disabled, the elderly -- all citizens must remain seated and strapped into their seats with their hands clasped behind their heads." He said, "I don't care if you're in a wheelchair or you have false teeth or hearing aids. It makes no difference to me. These are the rules, and there are no exceptions." � � � Upon landing, when these 63 American citizens were finally allowed to unbuckle their seatbelts and de-clasp the hands from the backs of their heads, several complained about it, particularly some of the senior citizens who had peed themselves in the process. They were then informed that all senior citizens or any other citizens, who may have problems controlling their bladders or bowels, should henceforth, when embarking on a commercial flight, wear adult diapers. � � � (NOTE: Savvy investors should research the adult diaper market and invest accordingly. Hint - Playtex Corporation controls the majority of the adult diaper market.) � � � It's also interesting to note that the 63 passengers, who were the subjects of these harsh and repressive measures, were segregated and forced into an airport security room, wherein they were told not to mention this episode to the media, if they were questioned. This story was reported on CNN, Fox, MSNBC and the major networks, but after it was first reported there was pressure from the Bush White House on the pro-Government-Media to sanitize the story. When the story ran a few hours later, it was cleaned up and many of the harsher details of the story were omitted. They were concerned that the opinion polls might dip below the magical 75% approval rating. � � � Using its sophisticated computer software programs, AlMartinRaw.com, has noticed a repeated pattern in the public declaration of heightened state of emergencies. Since September 11, there have been four such instances, in which the Department of Justice has declared a heightened state of national emergency, claiming that there are massive terrorist incidents "imminent." It's interesting to note that in all four cases, this declaration occurred the day after public opinion polls on Mainstream Pro-Government-Media, indicated that the support for the War in Afghanistan, a/k/a "War on Terrorism," had fallen from its "normal" 80% to just 75%. When support falls to the 75% level, the Bush Administration has been successful in instituting a new heightened state of alert, so that support for the war and the USA PATRIOT Act goes back to 80%. � � � It should be noted how carefully the Bush Administration and its allies, the mainstream media, are choreographing this situation. Every time this occurs, including this latest Bizarro Incident, the media immediately goes to the telephones and says. "You American citizens, you call us up, and tell us what you think about this." Immediately Jane Doe and John Smith would call up and say, "Well, this is too bad, but this is just the price we have to pay for our war against terrorism." � � � Al MartinRaw.com and its sophisticated computer voice and data analysis has established another precedent, regarding this latest polling subterfuge. We noticed that although the people's voices were different, there was a 76% language similarity, i.e. similarity of text. Such a similarity, of course, could not occur on a random basis. This supports the AlMartinRaw.com contention that the mainstream media has selected a group of shills, who simply call in and read what is essentially a prepared text, in order to support governmental policy. � � � This is a Cascading Series of Shills. Pro-Government-Mainstream-Media is acting as a shill for the Bush Administration. They, in turn, hire from among the ranks of average citizens, a group of professional shills who will read from a prepared text, pursuant to certain questions. And this can be called a Cascading Series of Shills, which starts at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and ends in Anytown, USA. � � � On Sunday, February 17, all Airport Security will be officially federalized. This means that the Federal government now has ultimate jurisdiction, superseding any state, county or local jurisdiction the airport may be in. Therefore every transgression committed by the flying public now becomes a federal offense. � � � Since September 11, more restrictions have been placed on the American citizen, particularly the flying public, and now the list of confiscatable items has grown from 29 items to 76 items. This new list of items includes, not only cigarette lighters, nail clippers, nail files, books of matches, penknives, but certain types of lipsticks, women's compacts, any metallic ink pens or markers with a diameter greater than 8 mm., and any purses, billfolds, or change purses or have a certain configuration like screwed brass cornering, are now susceptible to being confiscated. Previously, the attitude of the flying public has been, "Well, so what? We get our 79 cent disposable lighter confiscated, our matches, our $2.98 clippers confiscated, and it's $5 worth of stuff. It's not given back to us, and we're not compensated for it." But with the new confiscation rules, its not $5 anymore. Now the average losses will be potentially $15 or $20 worth of items, which will not be returned to you. � � � Last week the airlines agreed under pressure from the Federal Marshals Office to remove in-flight telephones. The next measure is that locks are to be applied to all in-flight carry-on luggage racks above your seat. When you got on the plane, you would be forced to put your carry-on luggage in the carry-on container above your seat. After it was shut, the Federal Marshal would come around with a key and lock it. You will not be allowed any more PC's or Notebooks, or anything that has the ability to communicate with the outside. � � � You will become a defacto zombie (or lump) until you disembark. The next thing the new Office of Federal Air Marshal Service is going to do is ask the airlines to stop serving alcohol on flights altogether, since alcohol may cause otherwise law-abiding citizens to become obstreperous and potentially defiant of obeying orders in the name of the Security of the State. You will then become a non-alcoholic lump. � � � Also a new procedure has been recently tested at Salt Lake International Airport. Security dogs within air terminals will now carry identification badges stating what it is that they do. The dogs will have tags that describe their functions, whether it's a drug sniffing dog, a cash sniffing dog, explosives sniffing, fear (ammonia) sniffing dog, or an attack and control dog. The Federal Air Marshals office hired a very pricey psychological profiling firm to figure out how to "enhance" Airport Security. � � � One technique they decided to use was to increase the intimidation factor of airport security dogs. We want airline passengers to be fearful and cowering, they decided. When you go to board your flight, you'll see that security officers will have all the different dogs lined up in a row - the drug sniffing dog, the cash sniffing dog, the bomb sniffing dog, the fear sniffing dog, and the attack and control dog. The attack and control dogs are Dobermans. They're trained to run, then jump up and throw their weight against somebody to knock them down. Then they open their mouths and put their teeth around the person's neck. They press very gently and wait for further commands from their handlers. So remember, Grandmas of America beware - and come prepared with your adult diapers, and obey immediately, lest you be knocked down by some errant attack dog and your hearing aids and dentures go flying. The Friendly Skies are gone forever. � � � Reuters has now confirmed our previous story about America dropping twenty-dollar bills on the Afghan peasants. (See Clueless in Afghanistan - The Sequel) In fact, the stakes have been increased. According to the latest Reuters report, US military aircraft are dropping envelopes of hundred dollar bills over Afghanistan. The green and white envelopes (lucky colors) contain two crisp American $100 bills, as well as a photo of a smiling George Bush. The caption on one side says, "Please be America's friend." On the other side it says, "If you'll be America's friend, there's plenty more where this came from." � � � When Reuters attempted to feed this story to American newswires, no American pro-government-media outlets would carry the story under White House pressure. (See Reuters story here -- www.timesofindia.com) � � � AlMartinRaw.com approves of this idea because we are finally beginning to understand the nature of the people we are dealing with. We are dealing with a culture in which loyalty is bought and sold. This is a culture, which has been held together for centuries, not through a strong central government, but through a loose-knit confederation of tribal chieftains and warlords, who have held their pacts together by essentially purchasing support. � � � Since we are spending over a billion dollars a month in Afghanistan, not including all the set up costs like $9 million for every Taliban/ al-Qaeda fighter we've killed, for a hundred dollar bill, you can get anyone among the ranks of the Afghani hill tribes to do your bidding for you. � � � Along with the envelopes of cash, the C-130s are dropping new flyers informing the Afghani people about the situation. They are warning the people that you can either be America's friend and have your pockets stuffed full of C-notes. Or you can be America's enemy, in which case, you will be captured, shot full of Thorazine, strapped into a leather chair, have a hood put over your head, spend 13 hours pissing your pants in the back of a C-141, whereupon you will join the ever-expanding ranks of the Bobbing Head People - Clueless in Guantanamo. (See previous story) � � � It's your choice. This is after all the American Way. We have always bought other people's loyalty. This is the proverbial carrot and the stick. You can have your camel's saddle bags stuffed full of Bennies -- or you can have the Unfortunate Alternative. � � � With the new Office of Homeland Security and Federal Sky Marshal rules, US citizens, who are passengers on airplanes flying domestically, now have fewer rights than inmates incarcerated in federal penitentiaries. � � � So what can we do? The bottom line is that I will no longer take commercial air flights, but will instead use public railways and interstate buses if necessary. � � � We also recommend that all American citizens, who are non-business travelers, should avoid taking airlines. � � � Both Amtrak and the nation's long distance bus carriers have expanded their services, so that all American citizens, who are concerned about their rights, should boycott commercial airlines. � � � Otherwise you'll be actually paying for your own incarceration for three or four hours. From now on, only Americans who have a sado-masochistic fetish should travel by air. The way things are going, eventually the S&M crowd, who enjoy losing their dignity and being "punished," will be the sole passengers on American domestic flights. |
