-Caveat Lector-
From
http://www.thetexasmercury.com/articles/satire/UP20020224.html
}}}>Begin
Satan Demands Rematch
with Usama Bin Laden For Title
"I am the Evil One," Prince of Darkness Insists.
The Texas Mercury
PANDEMONIUM, HADES— Embarrassed by his recent loss of status, Satan is
seeking a rematch with Usama Bin Laden for the Title of "The Evil One." Sources
inside of Satan’s network report that he was humiliated when he heard of Bin
Laden’s recent elevation in the wake of the 9/11 massacre. "The boss is fit to be
tied," Mephistopheles, an underling of Satan, told UPYRS. "When he heard everyone
referring to this Arabic fellow as ‘The Evil One’, he just lost it. Started canceling
contracts, calling in debts and just generally raising Hell. The whole thing has
distracted us from our other work. Ken Lay has already threatened to sue us for
default of contract over that whole Enron thing." When asked how exactly Satan
would stage such a rematch, Mephistopheles declined comment, saying only, "I
haven’t the foggiest. We’ve been in worst pinches than this. Look at Hitler, or Stalin.
This Usama cat doesn’t have near the heft they did, but then again, he’s got a better
publicity agent. Heaven only knows how he pulled it off; we in Hell sure don’t." Due to
Hell’s effective press blackout, journalists have been forced to scour the mortal realm
for information. UPYRS was able to contact Alan Derschowitz, who, we were told,
has been very close with the Devil ever since he contracted his services during the
1994 OJ Simpson trial. "The Devil has a reputation to uphold," Derschowitz
explained. "If he slips in status, he’ll lose clients. I heard that Senator Daschle
isn’t
even returning his phone calls now. All Satan can really count on for business when it
comes to Congress is his old stand-bys, you know, the ones who can be had for
cheap—for wine, women and song. Ted Kennedy’s quite the favorite down there
these days. But all it’s gotten Ted is a photo-op with the President. "Other
legislators
need more, and they’re getting it from other sources who can manage more deceit
and ambition than Satan. Yes, the senior senator from New York is quite the busy
woman these days."
God not Dead Says Pope
"He’s Just Resting," Pontiff Explains.
VATICAN CITY –Unable to avoid comment any longer, John Paul II responded in a
press conference today to rumors swirling around clerical circles that claim God is
dead. "No, God is quite alive," The head of the Roman Catholic Church began, "He’s
just been taking some time off." When pressed further, the pontiff admitted, "Yes, I’d
admit that after the Holocaust, Stalin, Mao, 9/11 and the other horrors of our century,
many find the idea of an all-good and caring deity a bit hard to swallow. However, I
assure you, He’s still around. Look, this god has been creating and running the
universe for billions of years. After all that time and effort, who wouldn’t want a
little
time to themselves?" In reference to the origin of the rumors, the leader of almost 1
billion Christians pointed to Friedrich Nietzsche. "This guy, who must have worn his
lederhosen a bit tight, got it into his head that, since God wasn’t listening to him,
He
must be dead. This guy didn’t bother to check it out (it’s not like he didn’t have our
number); he just blabbed it around as if it’s a fact, and then the next thing you know
everyone thinks it’s true. Every chucklehead’s out there right now yammering ‘God is
dead, God is dead, God is dead,’ just like a bunch of damned parrots." "Look, who
are you going to believe?" The Pope finally challenged, "Me, Christ’s vicar, the
pontifex maximus, or him –a German? I think the answer to that question is pretty
apparent." To drive home his point, the pope promised delivery of two plagues of
locusts to France, a hail of fiery stones upon San Francisco, and an outbreak of boils
in Hollywood—all redeemable upon God’s return. The Pontiff further warned that he
might even strike all within Washington D.C. dumb. "Oh, you fellows just wait. We’ve
been taking notes on all of you. Clinton, Gingrich, Clinton, Clinton, Condit and, last
but not least, Greta Van Sustern, whose recent change of appearance proves that
she’s nothing more than a succubus sent to earth by Satan to ruin Fox News. The
whole bunch of you are so damned. Just wait till your Heavenly Father hears about
what you’ve done!"
DC
The Texas Mercury
End<{{{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking
new landscapes but in having new eyes. -Marcel Proust
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"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe
simply because it has been handed down for many generations. Do not
believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do
not believe in anything simply because it is written in Holy Scriptures. Do not
believe in anything merely on the authority of Teachers, elders or wise men.
Believe only after careful observation and analysis, when you find that it
agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all.
Then accept it and live up to it."
The Buddha on Belief, from the Kalama Sutta
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A merely fallen enemy may rise again, but the reconciled
one is truly vanquished. -Johann Christoph Schiller,
German Writer (1759-1805)
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It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that
prevents us from living freely and nobly. -Bertrand Russell
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"Everyone has the right...to seek, receive and impart
information and ideas through any media and regardless
of frontiers."
Universal Declaration of Human Rights
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"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut."
--- Ernest Hemingway
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