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- Secrets of Reindeer Rudolph revea�</A>
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Antler Envy
Secrets of Reindeer Rudolph revealed, and other holiday tidings from the
tabloids.
By Jennifer Mendelsohn
Posted Thursday, Dec. 16, 1999, at 4:30 p.m. PT
You know it must be holiday season in Tabloidland when all those dirty
secrets about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer start to surface. With the Globe
claiming that singing cowboy Gene Autry "hated" Rudolph's theme song and had
to be persuaded to record the Christmas classic, the National Enquirer weighs
in with a "surprising revelation": "Rudolph is a girl!" According to "top
university reindeer expert" Maria Berg, male reindeer have already shed their
antlers by late December, meaning that the nine antler-topped reindeer
traditionally seen with Santa on Christmas Eve must be female. As the Enquirer
explains, the "disclosure tears the wrapping off the widely held myth that
Kris Kringle's sleigh is pulled by burly, macho reindeer." Since she wasn't
aware that such a myth even existed, much less that it was widely held,
Keeping Tabs wonders whether those crazy kids at the Enquirer were indulging
in a rare moment of self-mockery. And we can't stop wondering: Just what does
it take to become a "top" reindeer expert these days?
TODAY IN SLATE
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In keeping with the holiday spirit, recent tabloids have been filled with
tales of celebrity shopping excursions that amount to stories about people
spending outrageous sums of money very quickly. The Enquirer, for example,
has Jack Lemmon dropping a cool $100,000 on antiques in less than an hour.
Not to be outdone, former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is said to have "plopped
down 10 grand" on Prada ski outfits a mere "two minutes after she tried them
on."
Our favorite--and most flowery--account of lavish celebrity spending comes
from the Globe's Charlene Tilton, who reports that Leonardo DiCaprio and "two
flamboyant guy pals" were recently spotted perusing the sheets and towels at
Los Angeles' Beverly Center. "After poring over dozens of colors and styles,"
Tilton reports, "the fussy fellas finally agreed on over $8,000 worth of
luxury linens and a dreamy down-filled comforter and duvet cover for Leo's
master bedroom." The Star, meanwhile, maintains that Jerry Seinfeld's new
fiancee, Jessica Sklar, "isn't wasting any time" spending her intended's $250
million fortune. Sklar is said to have "zigzagged through each department" of
New York's Bergdorf Goodman, where she "breathlessly scooped up $10,000 worth
of shoes," a feat that earned her the nickname "Hurricane Jessica."
Bergdorf's apparently weathered the storm, though; the Star reports that
Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston--who are, respectively, the former and
current loves of Brad Pitt--bumped into one another there while shopping for
cashmere shawls. Star columnist Janet Charlton treats the outing as a
competitive event. "Gwyneth won this round," she explains. "She spent $12,000
to Jennifer's $4,500." We're pleased that Her Gwyneth-ness had the
opportunity to splurge; no doubt she had to recover from the traumatic
experience of being promised a Beverly Hills shopping spree by new boyfriend
Guy Oseary, only to have him take her to Niketown, where (according to the
Star) she "settled" for $400 worth of sneakers. Paltrow is lucky, however,
that she did not have to go bargain-hunting with Michael Jackson's soon-to-be
ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, whom the Star spotted "loading up on economy size
gallons of peanut butter, grape jelly, mayonnaise and cooking oil" at the
"Smart and Final" discount store.
Let's see: got the reindeer, the presents ... how about a few angels? Julia
Roberts, says the Enquirer, insists that her dead father "gives her heavenly
advice every day!" while the Globe claims that Felicity star Amy Jo Johnson's
late mother is now her guardian angel, "watching over [her] and guiding her
to showbiz success."
Indeed, celestial guidance appears to be Hollywood's latest must-have
accessory. The Enquirer reports that Cher has been having heart-to-hearts
with her late ex-husband, Sonny Bono, while the Globe says a Los Angeles
psychic claims she "regularly" relays career advice to actor Robert De Niro
from the great beyond. The late John Belushi, for instance, is said to have
"specifically encouraged" De Niro to star in Analyze This, while the trio of
Lenny Bruce, John Huston, and lyricist Alan Jay Lerner have all been trying
to tell the Oscar winner to "make more comedies and musicals."
But it's not all business with those ghostly folk. The spirit of "Mama" Cass
Elliot has been known to turn on the StairMaster and move jewelry around in
her old home, according to the Enquirer. Once, says current owner Dan
Aykroyd, the ghost even "crawled into bed" with him. "I just nuzzled up to
whatever it was and went back to sleep," he explains. (And for anyone left in
the dark by the Enquirer's high fallutin vocabulary, they helpfully provide a
"Fast Fact" box, which explains that "a ghost is a dead person's spirit.")
Aykroyd might want to compare notes with ER star Noah Wyle, whose home is
reportedly haunted by the ghost of its famous former owner, director John
Derek. Or perhaps he should take a cue from Ally McBeal's Lucy Liu, who the
Enquirer says once "did more than snuggle with a spook ... she claims she
actually had sex with one." "It was sheer bliss," Liu is quoted as saying. "I
felt everything. I climaxed. And then he floated away." Wow. We bet Scrooge
never tried that with Jacob Marley.
The National Enquirer, Globe, and Star Web sites offer the latest in
salacious news.
Jennifer Mendelsohn is a free-lance writer based in Washington.
�1999 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
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