-Caveat Lector- http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/001/304rlpow.asp > > > The Daily Standard > > June 3, 2002 > > Le Jour de Gloire n'est pas Arriv� > > Beautiful France. With its romantic countrysides, fine wines, and > burning embassies. > > by Larry Miller > > I JUST SAW the funniest thing that has ever occurred in history. > > I'm choosing my words as precisely as I can, with no hyperbole. > Take any kind of comedy down the entire line of human civilization, > in every facet of life, true or not, fiction or non-fiction, > intentional or unintentional. Throw it all together, from your > favorite Marx Brothers movie to Henry II slipping on a banana > peel just before kneeling down in the snow; traveling salesman > jokes, Shakespeare, a great pun, seeing an annoying uncle bang > his head into the door jamb. Anything at all, real or imagined, > however you like it: > > broad farce, delicate satire, mordant wit, silly slapstick; > the funny face, the perfect line, light or dark; Jimmy Stewart > slyly winking, or the video of a baby throwing up on the camera. > Yes, across the spread of time, from the day Adam woke up, > counted his ribs, and realized someone was yelling at him, > 'til now, what I just saw is, in my opinion, the out-and-out > funniest thing that has ever happened. And it's real. > > And here it is: The Israeli Embassy in Paris burns down in the > middle of the night, and the French official stands up in > front of the bank of microphones and actually says, with a > straight face, "We believe it was an accidental, short-circuit, > electrical fire." > > Is that gorgeous, or is that gorgeous? Now, it's certainly > true that this isn't the firsttime the French, God (INSERT > YOUR OWN WORD) them, have, over the years, contributed some > of the most hysterical events to the world of comedy. I mean, > building the Maginot line and never realizing that someone like, > say, the Germans, could just walk around it-well, that's a > pretty good one, too. Or, the instant World War II ended, > having the number of French Resistance fighters miraculously > increase from two dozen to just over forty million. That's a > knee-slapper. And their taste in comedy is certainly worthy > of remark. I mean, forget giving Jerry Lewis an award, they > should give out medals to anyone who can watch one of his > movies start to finish. > > ("Congratulations, monsieur, I kiss your cheeks. No one has > ever made it through 'The Bellboy.'") > > But it was just an accident. A short circuit. At two in the > morning. Just a few hours after that great Jewish sage, Woody > Allen, was in Cannes in front of the French press insisting > he has never seen or heard of any anti-Semitism in France. > Yup, just a short circuit with no investigation. Well, why > look into something when no one can even imagine a stray > reason to think it was anything else? Let's see, you're > in France, these days, and a building burns down in the > middle of the night. Hmm . . . Was it the Louvre? > No . . . Was it the palace at Versailles? No . . . > Was it Disneyland? No . . . Was it the big, concrete > building full of Jews? Bingo! Just an electrical problem, > though. (And the head electrician, Mohammed Jihad, agrees > completely.) > > After all, accidents like that happen all the time. When > the Germans invaded Poland? It was just a wrong turn. > Oh, yeah, the light turned green, we made a left, and, > next thing we knew, we were in Warsaw. By the time someone > stopped at a gas station and got a map, we had taken Holland. > It could happen to anybody. Hey, is that poison gas coming > out of those showers? Sounds like a plumbing problem. > > And you know what's even funnier than that? The best joke > of the series? The topper, as we say? I'll bet you a dollar > virtually none of you even knew this had happened. I'll bet > almost everyone reading this article is thinking, "Did the > Israeli Embassy in Paris burn down? I didn't hear anything > about that. Is he kidding?" > > Nope. Not kidding. 2 a.m., early Thursday morning, May 23, > 2002, down to the ground, no questions asked. And you didn't > know, did you? I almost didn't, either. > > That day, Thursday, I was talking to my friend and editor > (and wonderful writer) here at The Daily Standard, Jonathan > Last, and he asked what I was writing about for my next > column, and I said I didn't know yet, and why didn't he get > off my back and worry about his own damn column, I can't take > it anymore, pushing, pushing all the time, and he said, "Hey, > come on, take it easy, I'm just asking," and I said, "It's > the voices, they're still getting in, the tin foil on the > windows isn't stopping them anymore, and I can't think of > any ideas," and he told me about the embassy burning down, > and I said "Neat!" and started writing. And that night, > when I got home, I couldn't wait to turn on the news and > get the details. > > But no one had it. Not CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, no one. > Not the local eleven o'clock news. Nothing. No network, > no cable. I even checked the NewsRadio station, but if TV > didn't have it, why would they? They didn't. So I shrugged > and went to sleep (not necessarily in that order), and when, > the next morning, I was gently nuzzled from my reverie in > the usual manner by noticing our dog had climbed up on the > bed and placed his rectum less than an inch from my mouth, > I shuddered and retched my way into the bathroom, lunged > for the Listerine, and stumbled outside to grab the papers > out of the sprinkler and check them. Nothing. No headlines, > no columns. Nothing on page two or three or five or fifteen. > Nothing on the op-ed. Not a whisper. > > On the way to work I wondered what in the world was going on > here. Did this happen, or didn't it? I knew Jonathan would > never make something like this up, and send me on a wild goose > chase. Not sober, anyway. Was someone playing a joke on him? > > Hard to imagine. Over a sumptuous, catered breakfast at the > studio (Well, come on, folks, it is Hollywood) I looked > through the New York Times, and there was nothing, but > then . . . There it was. Page twenty-two. No article, > just a photo ("art", as they call it in the newspaper business). > I tore it out; I'm looking at it now. About four inches by > seven inches. In the foreground, a handful of French firemen > unrolling a hose. They needn't have bothered. In the > background, the embassy is burning with the kind of flames > that tell even the layman's eyes, "You can forget about the > Queen Anne chairs on this one, boys." Underneath the picture > is a bold-type line: "Israeli Embassy Fire in Paris Appears > Accidental." And underneath that, this caption: > "Paris investigators say the cause of the intense fire that > gutted the Israeli Embassy shortly after 2 a.m. yesterday > was probably a short circuit and not linked to Middle East > violence or arson attacks on synagogues." > > Appears accidental. Probably a short circuit. Hell, that's > good enough for me. Any of you reporters have any questions? > No? Yeah, didn't figure you would. This one's pretty open > and shut. Now, you may be wondering if anyone was hurt or > killed, but, come on, why dwell on the fringe questions? > Heh-heh, come to think of it, looks like none of you were > wondering that after all. Nah, no sense getting our > underwear bunched over this one. Hey, wait a minute, we > don't wear any underwear! Where was I? Oh, yeah. Anyone > for a cafe-au-lait? > > The nerve of these people. All of them. The French, sure. > I've had it with them for a long time, anyway, but the last > nine months take the gateau. They look down their noses at > the ticking time bomb of terror and tell us, "You do it." > Okay, I've got a quid for that quo. The next time the > Germans run through your smelly country like Carl Lewis and > you need someone to save your collaborationist butts? YOU do it. > > But what about our media? Wasn't this event, oh, sort of > significant? I have no idea if anything fishy happened there, > but don't we need a tiny bit of follow up? At least enough > to have an article? A paragraph? A snippet? > Nothing on the news? Even after sports? I guess not. > If the Saudi Embassy burned down in Paris, would the entire > world of reporters just flip their spiral pads shut and say, > "No story on this one"? > > Yeah, it's all pretty funny stuff. Only I'm not laughing. > I can hear the laughter, though. Can you? Listen. Hear > it now? Yup, that's Saddam Hussein laughing. And Arafat. > And Prince Abdullah, probably right in the middle of one of > those two-hour beard manicures. And bin Laden himself. > Funniest thing he's ever heard. > > Wherever he is. Even down there. > > Larry Miller is a contributing humorist to The Daily Standard > and a writer, actor, and comedian living in Los Angeles. > > � Copyright 2002, News Corporation, Weekly Standard, > All Rights Reserved.
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