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http://www.bettybowers.com/nl_jan2003.html
Betty Bowers Holiday Newsletter
Picking the perfect Christmas gift has never been easy -- even when simply tacking on
some quick shopping for other people. Just look at the Three so-called Wise Men. One
was
crass enough to give gold -- the Biblical equivalent of a "gift certificate." The other
unimaginative gift-givers showed up with frankincense and myrrh, proving once again
that
when men have no idea what you want, they give you fragrance. At least baby Jesus
didn't
have to feign delight unwrapping lingerie two sizes too small in odious shades of red.
-- Mrs. Betty Bowers,
>From her book
What Would Betty Do?
The perfect holiday gift!
Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christian Consumerism:
Dreck the Malls! The Baby Jesus' birthday is upon us and,
truly, what do you get for the Guy who made everything? If we only had Christian
television
to go on, we would assume that Jesus is rather fond of tax-free cash � and with no
small
urgency! (Although His delight at dollars has somewhat dimmed with the unexpected
strength of the Euro.) Nevertheless, the careful holiday shopper will know that the
one gift
that is a "must get" on Jesus' Christmas Wish List is a fabulous little something
called
"Glory" (available at those few drugstores that still carry Joan Collins' fragrances).
One rather tense Christmas, upon tearing off the merry foil gift wrap (which Satan
ensures
always comes with little more than 6 inches to a roll), Jesus found that His gift was
not the
"Glory" He had been dropping rather obvious hints about wanting. The disappointed
Savior
instantly killed the careless gift giver by having him eaten by worms! ("And
immediately the
angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the Glory: and he was eaten of
worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23).
This rather gory response to not getting what one wants has
ruined many a lovely carpet and makes the rhetorical "What Would Jesus Do?" dangerous
in
the hands of those disappointed by what is under their Christmas tree. But Jesus'
somewhat
churlish � and certainly messy � reaction to receiving a lackluster gift pales in
comparison
to the Lord's displeasure with actually having to shop! The dear people at Saks tell
me that
the Lord Jesus makes Winona Ryder look like an ideal customer in comparison, as He is
wont to flip over display tables of merchandise if only offered store-credit on
returns. ("And
Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the
temple,
and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers." Matthew 21:12)
Regrettably, questions over what to buy to celebrate
Christmas are not the only confusing thing about the Holiday. You see, while Hollywood
is
fond of showing test audiences alternative endings, when it comes to the nativity, the
New
Testament also delights in alternative beginnings. (So pay close attention before
hiring
illegal aliens to play shepherds in your live nativity scene!)
While the first Gospel that was written (Mark) shows
appalling oversight of the biographical details that absolutely make a fabulous story
by
failing to mention Jesus' birth at all, the two gospels that followed (Matthew and
Luke)
more than made up for this grievous omission. You see, knowing how tedious it would be
to
read the same nativity tale twice, the thoughtfully inventive writers of the Gospels
provide
us with two very different chronologies, doubling the chances that one will appeal to
the
reader! So, Jesus was born in a manger. Or not. Take your pick!
In Matthew, Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the Great, who died in 4 B.C.
(Matthew 2:1) I think it fair to say that being born before Oneself would technically
qualify
as the Lord's first miracle instead of simply mollifying the braying Mary with free
booze at a
wedding. Nevertheless, Luke claims that Jesus was born during the first census in
Israel,
which took place ten years after Herod's death (Luke 2:12). In Matthew, Mary and Joseph
live in Bethlehem (Matthew 2:11); in Luke, Mary and Joseph live in greater metropolitan
Nazareth (Luke 2:4). In Matthew, Jesus is born in a house (Matthew 2:11); in Luke,
Jesus is
born in a manger (Luke 2:7). In Matthew, after Jesus is born, the family immediately
flees
to a fabulous vacation in Egypt (Matthew 2:13); in Luke, they take a leisurely trip to
Jerusalem to sacrifice birds (Luke 2:22-24).
Fortunately, none of these "continuity problems" (as they say
in Hollywood) is relevant to our post-modern celebration of Christmas, as the Holiday's
erstwhile eponym is no longer the focus of the festive occasion. We Americans'
unparalleled knack for making everything all about us has, of course, not overlooked
the
year's splashiest holiday. Raising a rotting corpse from the dead is sensational (and,
no
doubt, rather malodorous), but for real miracles, we must look to American retailers,
for if
they make the holiday any longer, we will simply declare the return of last year's
presents
as the start of the new Christmas shopping season! Besides, what other birthday
involves
buying presents for everyone except the one born on that day?
Are your children leaving out milk and cookies for the devil?
But the spirit of the Gospels is not completely neglected. With the now
well-established
tradition of lavishing expensive gifts upon their families, Christmas provides the one
time of
year when Americans actually follow Jesus' command to give to the poor. Because, after
the credit card receipt are tallied, they find that they now are the poor. How fitting
that
Christmas has become the nation's most commercial event next to J-Ho announcing yet one
more betrothal to a homosexual on national television. After all, while churches and
revival
tents provide a fabulous opportunity to showcase everything from unction to Ungaro, the
place for all real prayer, worship and tithing in this country is called a "mall."
That is why I
was so delighted that the merchants at Landover Christian Mall asked me to fire a few
rounds outside of the new Bulgari store to officially begin the Christmas shopping
season.
Did anyone see Liza with a Geek on television recently? As a
True Christian, I never say an unkind word, but I find that I must gossip out of
Christian
concern. Her husband David Gest, who, quite appropriately, looks like Edvard Munch's
The
Scream with sunglasses, was protesting rather too much about his heterosexual ardor for
poor, loopy Liza. (And, honestly, if she isn't still popping pills, that is some
wicked placebo
she has gotten her hands on!) About ten years and 4,700 bottles of Canadian Club ago,
Liza
Minnelli recorded a cover of Stephen Sondheim's wonderful song "Losing My Mind." The
song ended with Liza asking, "Am I loshing [sic.] my mind?" Brothers and sisters in
Christ,
please take a moment to join me, face Manhattan and utter a rather firm "Yes, dear, you
are!"
One of the things apparent-burn-victim David Gest likes to trot out to underscore his
burly
masculinity is his fond memories of playing basketball with his "best friend" Michael
Jackson
(who has devolved from public figure to public disfigure). In addition to suggesting an
association perversely ill-suited for the intended purpose, the allusion conjures an
image
with all of the compelling verisimilitude of claims to playing roulette with the Pope.
From the
looks of David and Michael, they must have met in the waiting room of a Third World
plastic
surgeon.
But we shouldn't be too hard on David trying so desperately
to pass himself off as heterosexual! People pretending to be what they are not has
become
the vogue in America. Please join me in reciting the PR-fueled mantra:
As Real Americans We Hold These Truths to be Self- Evident:
Britney Spears is a virgin;
The people of Iraq are our most dangerous enemy;
Jennifer Lopez can sing;
Ronald Reagan only became senile after he left office;
Tom Cruise is straight; and
George W. Bush is a statesman
And speaking of our President, Jenna and Barbara Bush are
now 21 and, no doubt, quite hung over. I honestly don't know why there is such a fuss
over
this beer-mug ring on their calendar! As Laura was quick to mention, since the twins
never
paid any attention to age-to-drink laws (or her) before they were 21, she saw no need
to
change their credit limit at their local liquor stores now that they are legal. Help
celebrate
this right of passage by giving a "WWJD? What Would Jenna Drink?" gift to someone you
love this Christmas!
Meanwhile, Jenna's father has been receiving glowing
endorsements from irrelevant countries. "He's not a moron at all," Canadian Prime
Minister
Chretien said of President Bush. Fortunately, there is still time to incorporate this
catchy
appraisal on three-color banners for all of the 2004 whistle stops!
The glorious effects of our GOP success at the polls are
already being seen. For example, AIDS education is being curtailed at the CDC. All True
Christians know that "Abstinence Only" is the only responsible approach since pregnancy
and most diseases are clearly caused by knowledge.
(You can show your support for the GOP's efforts to shield
children from annoying facts by wearing an "Abstinence Saves the Tart From Plunder"
thong!)
And knowledge is not something our current President is
fond of -- but he is fair about it, as he doesn't want the rest of us to have much of
it either.
As you probably know, President Bush has stood firm in his resolve to keep all
potentially
embarrassing information regarding 9/11 a secret. To ensure that the President is never
hurt politically by the death of all those people in New York, he has appointed Henry
Kissinger to chair any prying. With Mr. Kissinger's pedigree of nefarious skullduggery
(such
as overthrowing a democratic government in Chile that had a pesky habit of voting for
people who were simply not our sort), Henry will go into the job with no na�ve notions
about the American people needing to know facts that might deflate their blind support
of
their president. Glory! For if there is one thing this administration would like more
than strip
mining Yellowstone, it is to keep secrets. Indeed, just last week, Mr. Ashcroft's
office asked
a court to seal all the records to a lawsuit involving poison in vaccinations, lest
the litigation-
crazy parents of dead children use the information to sue pharmaceutical companies.
After
all the money those wonderful companies gave the GOP, it was the least that the
President
could do. After all, dead children don't vote -- even in Florida!
Looking to lose that unsightly holiday weight? Well, we've all
heard of the wildly successful Whitney Houston crack and cigarettes diet, but leave it
to
True Christians to work politics into food depravation. Since we Republicans (or, as we
prefer, "Real Americans") have co-opted Christianity (or, as we also prefer, our more
self-
indulgent Christianity version 8.0) as our cloak of piety and Jesus as our mascot, why
shouldn't True Christians return the favor? Indeed, as Carrie Bradshaw might drunkenly
type into her laptop, is George W. Bush the new, better dressed Jesus? Join us, as we
fast
and pray over the Prodigal Son Bush, a man who wants to give us money, instead of
wasting time on a guy who asked us to give it away!
Click Here For Details!
I have several new pieces since my last newsletter, including
film reviews.
Far From Heaven
I watched the lovely new film Far From Heaven with my dear
friend Laura Bush. I knew she had nodded off about 30 minutes into the film when I
heard a
highball glass slide out of her hand and roll down the carpet towards the screen. She
awoke to see Condi Rice polishing Julianne Moore's dining room table. "She is such a
trooper!" declared a pleased Laura, "Really knows her place."
8 Mile
Not since never-nominated Madonna played an ego-freak
who viewed every fellatio as a career move ("Evita") or Marlee Matlin won an Oscar� for
playing a deaf woman who spoke like a drunken eight-year-old ("Children of a Lesser
God"), has an actor received such praise for playing, well, himself.
The Two Towers
How do lewd homosexual Hobbit lovers refer to their erect
penises? Well, the smutty title of this film says it all! Landover Baptist issues an
urgent alert
to warn children to avoid this rubbish.
Worried about being asked to give the blessing at this year's family Christmas dinner?
America's Best Christian and Most Saved Baptist, provides "The Perfect Prayer," a
downloadable blessing that is guaranteed to impress the True Christians and scare the
daylights out of the unsaved at your table this year!
CLICK HERE
Links to actual stories in the news about True Christians
who make Jesus reach for His Pepto Bismol.
CLICK HERE
Landover Baptist's Latest Newsletter
Find out what new at the most conservative church in
America that doesn't require you to handle snakes!
The White House
Drop by and say "Bottoms up!" to Mr. & Mrs. George W. Bush.
Christmas gifts are in stock!
DELIVERY WITHIN THE WEEK!
Betty's Christmas Store
Let Winona Shop For Christmas!
"The Season's hottest Christmas card!"
-- Page Six, NY Post 11/27/02
White House Christmas Cards!
The family that brought honor back to the White House shares its recipes for booze,
crack
and other family holiday traditions!
Christmas Card
"So Close To Jesus His Christmas Shopping is Ruining My Credit!"
2003 Calendars
Begin every day being reminded of just how close Mrs. Bowers is to Jesus (and you're
not).
Or pick up a cheerful wall calendar from Mrs. Bowers' Christian Crack Whores to keep
track
of tithes and tricks!
Thongs!
"What Wouldn't Jesus Do?"
"This Bush has a 100% Approval Rating!"
"Knees Together for Jesus"
"Jesus Wants You To Speak in Tongues"
What Would Betty Do?
This book is a perfect gift this holiday season!
Sign Up For Betty's Free Monthly Newsletter
Previous Newsletters:
End Times Newsletter
What Have We Learned Since 9/11?
Betty's State of the Union
First They Came for Miss Cleo
Harry Potter Alert
History is Like Shampoo
�2003 | bettybowers.com
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